The Wanderers and Hunters of Hell (and Ricky)
by SendBobAndVegana
Summary: A three-way crossover with the show Trailer Park Boys. In pursuit of an entity of pure evil, the Doom Slayer (alongside his unexpected sidekick Ricky) enters a version of Hell he has never seen before. He soon finds himself teaming up with a gang of barely competent assassins after the same target. Unbeknownst to them, their target has decided to hole himself up in a certain hotel.
1. The Beast

**Chapter 1: The Beast**

* * *

As the blood-red Sun rose over Imp City, two demons made their way down one of the many decrepit streets that were more akin to a warzone than any residential area on Earth. Broken glass, trash, and splatters of blood and various other bodily fluids covered most of the street, and the buildings were all pockmarked with bullet holes and the charred aftermath of countless explosions.

"Look at this fuckin' mess. This is the third time this month that cocksucka' Pentious has blown the fuck outta our territory."

"Fighting with that bitch Cherri, right?"

"Yep. Hot piece of ass. But not even close to hot enough to make this mess worth it. I've been thinkin' a hefty bounty on their heads would solve our problem well enough."

"Well sure but the problem is finding mothafuckas' dealing in Heaven-forged weaponry or Hellfire rounds these days. Does that local group do it? I know they got a portal to Earth, figured they'd..."

"Blitzo's group? No way those fuckin' assclowns have anything capable of whackin' a demon. It's run by imps for Satan's sake."

"While that is true, Tommy. I still think we should run it by em. Just to get the word out, you know?" There was a brief pause as the demon seemed to be pondering something "Actually, now that I think about it, I heard about some fellas down in the Ninth Circle that salvaged some weaponry from the Exterminators after the last purge."

"Glad you finally decided to start thinking, Henry. Go ahead and hit those Ninth guys up about that. Blitzo can wait till after we hear back from them."

As he finished that sentence, the two demons finally reached their destination at the end of the street: the building where they ran the bulk of their coke operation out of. Massive chunks were blown out of the sides, and the uppermost floor looked like it would drop into the street any minute.

"Fuck look at the state of this place. Those cogliones are gonna p..."

Tommy froze at the sight of a large figure moving across the street out of the corner of his eye. Henry realized what had drawn his friend's attention, and the two quickly wheeled around with sawed-off shotguns already out and aiming at the figure which stood only about a hundred feet from the two. Both Tommy and Henry wondered how such a huge demon was able to move in such complete silence. It appeared to be casually observing the damage like they were, but it was also moving at a fast enough pace and steady direction that it was clear it had a destination in mind.

"Ay who the fuck are you? One of Pentious' boys?" yelled Tommy.

The figure froze at the sound of his voice.

"Pretty sure his boys are those egg things, Tommy."

"Shut the fuck up will ya. Now ain't the time for fact-checking," snapped Tommy before turning his attention back to the trespasser. "As for you, tough guy. You better turn around and give me a glowing explanation for you dickin' around my turf. Unless you want some buckshot to rearrange your ugly fuckin' mug."

The demon snapped its head towards the two like the crack of a whip. And even though they lived in Hell and were well accustomed to its hideous denizens, this thing's appearance filled the two with more than a little apprehension.

It towered over them, easily nine feet tall at the top of its head. Long and matted black fur covered its lanky, naked body. Its long legs ended in hooves instead of feet, and its disproportionately large hands were tipped in razor-sharp claws the size of kitchen knives. However, by far the most disconcerting feature was the face, which consisted of the top part of a cervine skull stripped completely bare of flesh, and eyes that were nothing more than vacant black voids. Atop its head, massive obsidian antlers branched out several feet in a twisted visual cacophony that resembled no animal that had ever walked the Earth. The two almost mistook it for a mask until they noticed that its skin below was attached to the skull. Below said skull was the lower portion of a humanoid face with large, jagged teeth filling an oversized, lipless maw that was more akin to a Megalodon than a deer.

The beast simply stared at them, not making a sound, with its body still facing the direction it was going. Its intentions were completely indecipherable. They both shared a quick look of fear upon seeing the full visage of the creature. Deciding that just lighting this thing up was a much safer bet than attempting anymore conversation, both demon mobsters went to squeeze their triggers.

However, before either of them could get a single shot off, the beast closed the distance near-instantaneously and tore the guns out of their hands. Their heads were still spinning from the speed that this occurred when ice-cold claws stabbed into their abdomens with enough force to slice completely through their spines and emerge out their backs. Impaled on its arms like shrimp on a skewer, the demons made no sound except for quiet, confused gasps. The shock had taken hold so fast they felt no pain. Paralyzed from the waist down, the two weakly squirmed and slapped at its unflinching arms. The beast stared down at them for a moment, before raising both of them to eye level. Upon staring into those blank voids, they were instantly brought out of their shock-induced stupor and began screaming in absolute terror. Never in their life, even when the first cast into the fires of hell itself, had they felt such abject terror than what they saw moving deep in those eyes. This was no demon, it was something else entirely. Something that was wandering reality long before Hell itself was even a thought.

Then in a voice that sounded like soft flesh contacting under the hot metal of a brand, it spoke.

"Everything is my domain."

After it was finished speaking, its jaw continued to open until it unhinged with an audible pop and distended like that of a snake. Both demons, still screaming, found themselves being brought towards the maw. The smell of long rotted meat flooded their senses as they stared down the cavernous mouth. Once their faces were past the teeth, a flurry of tentacle-like tongues shot out of the black void of its throat and wrapped around their faces, silencing their screams. Thorny appendages that covered the tongues biting into their skin was the last thing they felt before the jaws slammed shut, and their souls were cast into the unfeeling void to be lost forever.


	2. The Slayer

When the Slayer first entered this dimension's Earth, he found himself dropped in the middle of a forested wilderness at an age-old shrine of likely Wiccan origin. He was in search of a target that was last seen entering this dimension around three days ago, and prior knowledge of its behavior patterns suggested it would have entered this universe's version of Hell immediately upon its arrival. Annoyingly, the entity possessed the ability to travel between most dimensions at will, including barriers between Hell and Earth. An ability the Slayer sorely lacked. The need to search for already established dimensional gateways had already set him several days behind in the pursuit of his quarry. However, he was far from totally unequipped in his search for the Hell portal, as his many millenniums of fighting the denizens of Doom had given him an almost sixth sense for detecting demonic influences. This sense manifested itself in the detection of patterns in the environment around him. These signs usually took the form of an occasional obscure occult symbol carved into a tree or small groups of stunted plants growing in strange formations, things most people would glance over without a second thought. The Slayer took notice of areas where these anomalies were occurring in greater numbers and used them to narrow down the location for the local hub of demonic influence.

It only took him less than an hour of searching the surrounding woodland to find that all signs pointed to a nearby city called Halifax, Nova Scotia. Soon after arriving in this Halifax, both the local news sources and his sixth sense led him to an unassuming doorway in a seemingly random alleyway behind a supermarket. The Hellwalker briefly found himself pondering the absurdity of such a thing, only to spot the lone pentagram adorning the lock of the wooden door and quickly become consumed with rage. It brought forth a multitude of thoughts about his quarry, and all the innocents it had maimed, tortured, and consumed in its path of destruction. A path that showed no signs of ever slowing down. He knew could be no less determined if he was to defeat it,

The Slayer proceeded to tear the door off its hinges with ease and descended a stone staircase into the pitch-black darkness without hesitation. At the bottom, the staircase opened into a dimly lit stone tunnel adorned in all manner of Satanic iconography, bones, and other remnants of innumerable sacrifices. He stopped halfway down the tunnel and stared at one particularly well-lit shrine nestled into a crevice. A human skull surrounding by ornate candles was its centerpiece. A very small human skull. The Doom Slayer shook with fury as he stared at the atrocity before him and silently prayed the beasts that did this were still crawling around somewhere in these passageways.

Suddenly, as if in answer to his prayers, his thoughts of carnage were interrupted by rapidly approaching footsteps from down the hall. He wheeled around, Super Shotgun in hand, and spotted two gaunt robed men armed with massive ornate daggers barreling towards him. He smiled within his helmet and holstered the shotgun. He was going to enjoy this.

Upon reaching him, the first cultist swung his knife in a swift, clearly practiced manner at one of the seams between his armor plating. Only for the blade to glance uselessly off it due to the Praetor armor's properties. With a shocked expression on his face, he quickly reversed the knife in his hand and stabbed it towards the Slayer's midsection. Only for it to be stopped short by the Slayer's gloved hand grabbing his arm. With a swift twist, he snapped the cultist's arm in two. The man dropped his knife and screamed in agony. The Slayer delivered a harsh kick to his midsection and sent him flying into the other charging man, knocking both of them to the ground. Picking up the knife, the Doom Slayer lifted the second man off the ground by the throat with one hand and slammed him into the wall. The cultist opened his mouth in what was undoubtedly going to be an attempt at begging for his life. He didn't get the chance. The Slayer drove the knife into the degenerate's eye so hard it went straight through his skull and stuck into the wall deep enough to hold his entire body weight off the ground.

He turned and faced the other man, who had begun running back the way they came from, cradling his ruined arm and breathing in short gasps, no doubt because of his several cracked ribs, as he retreated. Giving chase, the Doom Slayer quickly caught up with him and dropped him to the floor with a quick sweep of the legs. The man raised his one still intact arm in a weak attempt at defending himself. The Slayer paid it no attention as he raised his boot and slammed it down on his head. Bursting it like a balloon and spraying blood and brain matter all over the walls and their symbols. A fitting death.

Without a moment's hesitation, he continued down the numerous winding corridors and began rip and tearing through many more members of whatever cult this was. Finally, after no doubt doubling the population of Hell, he found the portal in a room deep within the tunnels. It was centered behind an obsidian altar that was still stained with fresh blood, swirling in strange patterns and crackling with powers untold.

The Slayer readied himself to enter Hell once again and bestow the fate of this infernal cult on his target. However, just before he could plunge into the abyss, a loud, definitely Canadian voice sounded behind him.

"What in the fuck is going in here?"

In an instant, he whipped around to face the new arrival. Mentally scolding himself for getting too caught up in his thoughts to notice the man's approach. Shotgun at the ready, he was surprised to find a rather slovenly looking man in a security guard uniform pointing a pistol at him.

"Are you the asshole that's been messing with the carts around here? And why in the fuck are you dressed like a spaceman?"

The Slayer lowered his shotgun upon realizing this man was no cultist. Just an idiotic guard that had no idea of the trouble he just found himself in. The fact that he had made it this deep into the caverns was a miracle in itself. As if on cue, he heard a flurry of approaching footsteps coming from a corridor nearby, no doubt having been drawn by the sound of idiot's ramblings. There must have been at least several dozen of them judging by the thunderous sound of their charge. He knew this fool wouldn't last a second against the cult on his own, and he could not waste time killing them all and bringing him safely back to the surface. The time he had already wasted had no doubt cost innocent lives. The Slayer suppressed a sigh of frustration at what he would have to do.

"Are you going to answer me, Fucky the Spacedick?"

In a flash, the Slayer grabbed him by the collar and leaped into the portal, carrying the man with him into the depths of Hell itself. He would return for the cult later, but for now, there were bigger fish to fry.


	3. Enter Doom

"What in the fuck!" screamed the man before vomiting for the third time in a row.

Their entry into Hell had been surprisingly uneventful. Well at least for the Doom Slayer, who had begun surveying the room that they had appeared in while the man got his bearings on the floor. He could understand how interdimensional travel to Hell can have a few adverse side effects to the uninitiated. Even if he never felt them himself.

The room they were in was very similar to the one on Earth. An obsidian altar covered in even more blood and viscera in the middle of a dark, cavernous room. Which was only dimly lit by five candles at each point of the giant pentagram the altar was centered atop. He waited at the large metal door that led into the room, hoping the man's screams would draw some demonic attention. He had been wholly unimpressed with the cultists' performance in combat, having killed thirty of them with ease. Hopefully, the demons of this Hell would provide him with an actual challenge.

"Fuck!" the man let out a final expletive as he unsteadily rose to his feet."Hey Spacedick, where the fuck did you pull me into? I hope this isn't your home because it smells like shit and piss in here."

He ignored the man's ridiculous ramblings as he tried the door's massive steel handle. It didn't budge as he put some resistance on it. Locked from the outside. Not a concern.

He took a step back and raised his foot and kicked out at the massive door with his full strength, sending the entire thing flying off its hinges. It crashed into the outer cave wall with a sound akin to a bomb going off. That would surely draw some attention.

"Holy fuck! You really are a goddamn spaceman!"

He stepped over the crumpled door and entered a dark tunnel that was lit only by the occasional dim torch adorning its walls.

"Hey don't leave me in this creepy shitcave!" the man shouted as he scrambled after the Slayer. Nearly tripping on fragments of the door multiple times as he exited the room. When he caught up to the Slayer, he reached out to grab the man's shoulder and get an explanation but clearly thought better of it after seeing him kick a two-foot thick steel door open like it was made of wet paper.

"Can you least fucking tell me where we are? I got to get back to Sunnyvale and take my daughter Trinity to school tomorrow. Not to mention all the weed plants I've got to look after."

The Slayer stopped walking and pulled a torch off the wall. Shining it on the ground, he illuminated a massive pentagram carved into the floor.

"Fuck me. We're in Israel! How did we get all the way here?"

The Doom Slayer simply stared at the man for a while before turning around and continuing down the tunnel. They walked for some time with only the sound of their footsteps echoing off the cavern walls breaking the silence. They both noticed that similar doors to the one they escaped from lined both sides of the walls at random intervals. Each had a large number engraved into its metal. The man behind him was looking around apprehensibly at the doors and symbols carved on the walls. Seemingly overcome by the eerie silence, the man spoke again.

"My name is Ricky by the way. You didn't ask but since you haven't talked at all I guessed you were mouth deaf or some shit. If you're faking it to cash insurance checks or something your secret is safe with me, Spaceman. My old man..."

The Slayer raised his hand to silence "Ricky". The two had come upon a fork in the tunnels. Looking down the tunnel to his left, the Slayer noticed a gradual rise in the row of torches further down. Implying an increase in elevation that wasn't present in the tunnel leading off to the right, which appeared to be descending. The Slayer decided the left path was their best bet for reaching the surface, and the two began ascending to what would hopefully be the exit to these caverns.

They made it a few hundred yards before a sound from up ahead caused them to stop in their tracks. A deep guttural voice, followed by several other higher-pitched ones. What was being said couldn't be made out but it sounded like English, and from the increasing volume of talking and footsteps they were moving fast in their direction.

"Who in the fuck is that?" Ricky said as he drew his pistol. Sounding more than a little afraid.

The Slayer pulled out his shotgun, feeling a much different emotion.

In the torchlight up ahead, five silhouettes became visible charging down the tunnel. The one in the middle was much larger than the others. Upon sighting the two, the figures stopped dead in their tracks. The stop was so sudden one of the smaller figures slammed into the large one, causing him to stumble.

"Fucking retard," snarled the big one in the same guttural voice they heard before. With a swipe of its hand, it knocked the smaller one into the wall. It yelped in pain as it smacked into the wall at a force that would easily paralyze or kill a human. It rose slowly to its feet, grumbling as it rubbed its back.

"Well, well looks like some snacks escaped their cage," the one in the middle, which was clearly the leader, chuckled.

The Slayer took note of the fact that the demons were speaking fluent English. This was odd given that almost every demon he's ever encountered, no matter the version of Hell, vocalized in a language of snarls and gurgling sounds completely incomprehensible to humans. Only the demon lords spoke English with any frequency and these definitely weren't lords.

"Snacks? What are you some fuckin' cannibal hillabilly assholes?" asked Ricky.

The group erupted into laughter that was magnified by the cave. Then they stepped into the light and fully illuminated themselves. The large one in the middle was grey with a reptilian appearance, and his musclebound body was covered in tattoos. The two to his left both appeared vaguely avian, scrawny and tall with long, hooked beaks. On the right, a demon cloaked in a blue robe with what appeared to be a television set as a face, and the smallest one who had smacked into the wall earlier looked like a red monkey with small horns poking out of its head. Imp was the first word that came to the Slayer's mind, the others didn't look like any demon he's ever seen.

"Holy fuck you guys are ugly. Hey Spaceman, you got a plan here?"

To answer Ricky's question, he blasted one of the avians in the midsection with the shotgun. Spraying blood all over its group as it split in half at the middle.

"He killed Jimmy!" screeched the other avian demon "I'm going to fucking rip you fucks to pieces!"

With that, the surviving four barreled towards them. The leader threw a hatchet he produced from the vest he wore, hitting the Slayer's shotgun and causing the next shot to miss. Ricky fired several shots into him, which barely slowed him down. A mortal gun would do very little to a demon of that size. The demons closed the distance fast, and the Slayer ducked the leader's first swing and punched him square in the knee, causing it to buckle with a resounding crack. Now at eye level with the huge demon, the Slayer grabbed its throat and heaved it backward. Sending it flying into the other demons and crushing them all under his weight.

The small imp demon managed to dodge its leader's body and skittered towards the Slayer before thinking twice and ducking to the side to go for Ricky instead. The Slayer let it go as he holstered his shotgun and charged for the pile of demons. When he reached them he leaped off the ground and slammed down on the chest of the leader, causing a huge geyser of blood to spurt out of his mouth. Both the TV and avian demon reached for him, but before they could get their hands anywhere near him, the Slayer grabbed both their heads and smashed them together. The TV demon's face shattered and caused shards of glass to stab into the other demon, destroying one of its eyes and lacerating its face. Dropping the TV demon's body, the Slayer grabbed the hooked beak of the avian demon and tore it clean off. With a wet, gurgling sound it collapsed back into the cave wall, dying.

The huge demon he was standing on snarled in fury and grabbed his legs, then swung the Doom Slayer hard into the cave wall. Pulling himself to his feet, the leader lunged towards the Slayer. Using the demon's momentum against him, the Slayer drove the beak of his subordinate right between his eyes with enough force that it cracked clean through his thick skull and impaled the brain with a sickening squish. The Slayer quickly rolled out of the way as the beast crashed into the wall and fell limp to the ground. He watched with satisfaction as blood poured from the wound, and his eyes slowly glazed over with the grip of death. An angry shout sounded behind him and reminded him of Ricky and the imp. Turning around, he witnessed a rather... interesting scene.

"Fuck off, horn monkey!" yelled Ricky as he grappled with the imp, who was currently scrambling for purchase on his back. Ricky attempted to club the thing off him with the butt of his gun, and after a few clumsy swings, he finally connected with the small demon's head with a loud crack. It let out a yelp as fell off his back and landed in a heap on the cave floor. The demon quickly sprung back to its feet, screeching a volley of demonic curse words as it rubbed its head. Ricky quickly, or as quickly as a buffoon like him could be, aimed his pistol at the creature and fired. The bullet pierced its neck and sent the demon flying backward several feet. Hacking and gurgling from the ragged hole torn in its neck, the imp climbed back to its feet and scrambled towards Ricky with surprising speed. As much as he despised these abominations, The Slayer had to respect the creature's relentlessness.

"Just die already, you dick! I just fucking shot you!" Ricky screamed in frustration while backpedaling to put more distance between the two. He backpedaled so fast that he didn't notice the rock jutting out of the cavern floor right behind him. And, of course, he tripped over it and busted his ass.

"Fuck!"

Ricky angrily pointed his gun at the fast-approaching demon and fired another volley of shots. All misses.

The imp screeched in triumph as it made a final leap towards Ricky, who brought his arms up to shield himself from its claws. Luckily for him, the Slayer had grown tired of the "fight" and decided to intervene. The imp let out a confused squeak as it was stopped mid-lunge and found itself dangling by the tail from one of the Slayer's gloved hands. Casually he grabbed it by the throat and tore the small demon in two, dropping the body parts to the floor.

"You could have helped me earlier, you dick," Ricky grumbled as he rose to his feet.

The Slayer pointed to the pile of bodies behind him matter-of-factly. Ricky glanced at them and shrugged.

"Well, I guess you might've had your hands full in the moment and all. Still, that fucking devil monkey scratched the shit out me. I hope he didn't have radies."

Ignoring the man's pronunciation, the Slayer noticed that he was indeed quite scratched up. His mall cop uniform was in tatters in some areas and there were a few bleeding scratch marks on his back and arms. Nothing serious, merely superficial damage. He motioned for the man to follow him as they continued up the tunnel. As he passed the pile of dead bodies, Ricky looked at them and then back at the Slayer and gulped nervously.

"I never knew Israel was this fucked. When I get back to Sunnyvale, I got to warn the guys about all the crazy cave hillabillies here."

The Doom Slayer shook his head with annoyance. If he hadn't felt responsible for returning this man to his family, he would have left him behind for just saying something so stupid. Instead, the two carried on with their journey through these dank caverns. They both waited for the next ball to drop but their ascent remained quiet. As if they hadn't just slaughtered five demons, or well, the Doom Slayer did at least.

Time was a hard thing to figure out down here as the monotonous walking distorted it into something much longer than it actually was. If the Slayer were to guess, he figured it had been only an hour since they left the original room. He also thought that the number of rooms down here would surely warrant more demonic encounters. Suddenly, he sighted a light up and froze. He squinted and used his helmet's interface to zoom in on the light. The image of an open doorway came into focus with a red light streaming through it. Leave it to demons to not close the door behind themselves.

"Thank God! I can't stand these shitcaves." Ricky happily declared as he also sighted the doorway.

The Slayer shared his enthusiasm but tempered it with caution. There easily could be a trap waiting behind that doorway. Upon reaching a point a few hundred feet from the doorway, he drew his shotgun and began slowly walking towards it. Ricky took note of this and, in a notably less fluid motion, drew his pistol. Blissfully unaware that the gun didn't have any bullets left in the magazine. A fact the Slayer remembered with amusement. The two reached the doorway and waited several seconds. Upon hearing nothing but silence, they charged out with guns at the ready.

Only to be met with a large empty waiting room. The door was positioned behind what looked to be a receptionist desk with a chair that had been knocked over. Around the room, they saw nothing but more vacant chairs and discarded cleaning equipment. The Slayer walked up to the desk and picked up a stack of papers lying on it. "Anton's Sacrifices-On-The-Go" headed what appeared to be a waiver detailing terms of service. Given the emptiness of the building, it must have been closed today. Which would also explain the small number of demons that had attacked them. He was stunned at the idea of actual businesses running in Hell. How would a free market even work in a place like this?

"This is one greasy doctor's office," Ricky said as he scanned the room with an equal amount of confusion. "I wonder if they got any of that medicine dope. Fuck I need a joint after all this bullshit."

With that profound declaration, Ricky began rifling through the drawers like a starving raccoon through a trashcan. The Doom Slayer, increasingly leaning towards simply leaving him to fend for himself, grabbed Ricky by the collar and hauled him towards the door.

"Fuck off, Spacedick. Just let me get a little fucked before we continue on your stupid space journey!" Ricky protested as he struggled in his grip. Taking longer than most would, Ricky relented upon realizing that he wasn't going to break out of the grip of a man who could kill a five hundred pound demon bare-handed with ease. "Ok fine I'll go with you, just stop dragging me around like a fucking horny Saskatchewan."

The Slayer let him go and kicked open the locked front door. Sending it rocketing out into the street like a bullet. They finally took in the surface of Hell and were stunned to find... a rather modern-looking city street, aside from the blood-red sky. Sure it was pretty grimy looking, but it was only marginally more so than bad parts of most urban areas. All around them on the sidewalks and in the windows, demons of all kinds stared at the two. No doubt startled by their sudden entrance into the street.

"Fuck me, more of those cannibal hillabillies."

The Slayer quickly drew his shotgun and Ricky his empty pistol. Opening a compartment on his waist, the Doom Slayer withdrew some .45 ACP rounds and handed them to Ricky. The man checked his magazine and let out a curse.

"Shit I'm empty. How did you even know that?" an utterly stupified Ricky said. "Holy fuck is being a physician one of your spaceman powers?"

The Doom Slayer stared out at the surrounding crowd. Readying himself for an attack at all sides from hundreds of demons. He could take them but Ricky was a concern. Perhaps he could give him his directed-energy pistol. However, he feared Ricky's buffoonery might make the weapon more a danger to himself than anything. Maybe he'd teach him later on but for now, they were in for a serious fight. Any minute now he knew they would pounce like hyenas on a carcass. Any minute...

"Get out the road, assholes!" came a harsh voice to their left. The Doom Slayer whipped around to see a taxicab with an angry-looking skeletally thin man laying on the horn.

He was completely confused now. He was beginning to question if he even entered Hell at all. Every demon he'd ever met was more keen to rip apart a taxi cab and its occupants than drive it for a daily salary.

"Get off this, hillabilly!" Ricky shouted back while grabbing his crotch.

"The fuck did you just say?!"

"I said jerk off my cock. For fuck sakes you guys are stupid."

"That's it asshole. I tried to be nice but now I'm gonna rip your fucking tongue out!" the demon snarled as it jumped out of its car and barreled towards them.

By now a crowd of demons was watching the two. Snickering at the vulgar exchange but also eyeing the Doom Slayer warily. Wise.

"You fuckin want one?!" Ricky said as he adopted a ridiculous imitation of a boxing stance, gun still in his hand and apparently forgotten.

The Doom Slayer didn't even look up as the demon approached. Still lost in contemplation at the strangeness of this Hell. While continuing to not look at him, he walked into the path of the demon. It opened its mouth, probably to curse again but before the words could leave, he grabbed the demon by its lower jaw. With a quick pull, he ripped it clean off. Eliciting a jumble of excited gasps and shouts from the crowd. The demon gurgled and looked at him in pure shock, blood pouring like a waterfall from the remnants of its mouth and splashing on the pavement. The Slayer quickly ended its shock with a punch that turned the remainder of its face into pulp.

"Holy fuck you didn't have to do that!" Ricky shouted in horror. "I was just going to rough him up a bit!"

The Slayer didn't consider the morality of what he had done. It was a demon, and it would not hesitate to do the same to him. Even if these demons seemed more level-headed than usual, he knew it was all a ruse to mask their nefarious behavior. Plus violence was the only thing that was still consistent here, and it helped ground him. They could be killed just like all other demons. With that thought fresh on his mind, The Slayer glared at the crowd of onlookers, hoping they would try him. However, he only saw fear in their eyes as they quickly dispersed from the scene. Disappointed, he motioned for Ricky to follow him to the now ownerless taxi.

The Slayer got in the driver seat, and Ricky flopped into the passenger's seat. The interior was covered in red leather, and the controls were adorned in all manner of skulls and satanic symbols. He wasn't one much for cars, but he had to admit the style looked good.

"Fuck you're really going to steal his car after killing the guy? I could have given him some smokes for a ride or something."

Once again, the Slayer ignored his moral quandaries. Instead, he chose to listen to the unnaturally happy sounding voice of a newscaster as he shifted the taxi into drive.

"...and what an interesting discussion about the pro and cons of cannibalism that was. Well folks, that's a wrap for this evening. Live at 666 News in Hell's sunny Pentagram City, I'm your host Katie Killjoy. 'And I'm Tom Trench.' "And we'll see you next time"

Ricky's eyes looked like they were about to pop out of his skull at the newscaster's words.

"Did you hear that shit, Spaceman? We're in fucking Hell!"


	4. The Unexpected Guest

The opening week for the Hazbin Hotel had been a surprising success despite its rather rocky start, and Alastor's sudden change of the name from "Happy" to "Hazbin". Charlie still didn't understand the reasoning behind that besides some strange joke, but honestly, she hadn't given it as much thought as she could. It certainly hadn't hurt business! So far they have had seven new guests/patients check-in at the hotel. And to top it off, the entire staff have been putting in a ton of effort to get the place off the ground, with the possible exception of Husk. She had even begun to feel considerably less on edge around Alastor. While she would be lying if she said he still didn't give off creepy vibes, she could be in his presence now without constantly feeling like she should be looking over her shoulder. After all, he had been nothing but helpful. Vaggie still didn't share her enthusiasm about him though, and it was palpable anytime the two were in a room together.

Thankfully, it was late and both had resigned to their rooms for the evening. Alastor had been pretty jumpy all day so she was glad he was getting some rest. As for her, she was working to recover some of the guests' files on the hotel computer. Their system had all gone awry during the wave of blackouts that occurred last night that caused severe electronic inference. Nobody knew the cause of them but there has been a lot of speculation so far. Theories among the hotel patrons ranged from some demon overlord's portal malfunctioning to the Exterminators arriving for a surprise purge. Thankfully, the latter didn't turn out to be true. She had called her father to ask about them, but she was told he was too busy to come to the phone. Now, as she mindlessly sifted through hundreds of unorganized files, she longed for someone to discuss them with. Charlie glanced around the lobby for anybody she might've missed. She was dismayed upon only finding Husk passed out at the bar. With a sigh, she returned to the computer screen.

What easily could have been several hours passed as Charlie grew more wrapped up in her work. She had managed to make significant progress, with around seventy percent of the files restored, when the sounds of several pairs of footsteps from the stairway drew her attention. She looked up to see Alastor, Vaggie, and Angel all descending the stairs together. Angel and Vaggie both looked pissed, having no doubt been woken up by Alastor, who sported his usual Chesire grin.

"What are you guys all up for?" Charlie asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Well, Smiles here thought three am was an ideal time for a family meeting. Something VERY important that couldn't possibly wait until morning." Angel said with more than a little sarcasm. Vaggie grumbled in agreement.

"Quit your whining, I assure you all this meeting is of utmost importance. I would never dream of interrupting your precious sleep for anything less." Alastor said in his usual jubilant radio announcer voice.

"What's the problem? Should we wake up the other guests?" Charlie asked with a note of concern.

"No no, we've already got more than is necessary for who needs to be in-the-know. Well, minus one..." Alastor glanced over at Husk and snapped his fingers. In a puff of purple smoke, Husk appeared among their group. He stumbled and looked around in confusion, before catching sight of Alastor and frowning.

"The fuck do you want now?" Husk grumbled

"Trust me when I say, old friend. I have only got your best interests in mind by making you privy to this meeting."

"Eh, whatever. Just hurry this shit along so I can go back to sleep."

"Post-haste. Good fellows, you all know me as a man with a lot of friends."

"Friends is a strong word," Vaggie mumbled.

Ignoring her, Alastor continued, "Well it seems one of my old allies is going to be dropping by soon. He goes by the name Vagabond."

"Another guest!" Charlie said with glee.

"HA! Not exactly, my dear. Trust me when I say you would have better luck reforming a hurricane. No, I have good reason to believe he is coming to cash in an old debt, and he is quite a particular character. He's not the friendliest and, unfortunately, completely lacking in a sense of humor. So let me do the talking and save the snarky comments until our meeting has ended. Mainly because there won't be any warning when you annoy him, one moment you'll simply have the upper half of your body, and the next moment, you won't."

"And why are meeting up with your psychotic "friend" here exactly? If you haven't noticed, we have something good going here without any crazy murderers fucking it up. We've already got one too many of those," snarled Vaggie.

"Not something that hasn't crossed my mind, I can assure you. But if he's coming here for the reason I suspect then a location change won't suffice."

"Can you be any more fucking vague? Just tell us what he's here for!" Vaggie shouted. Charlie quickly wrapped an arm around her in an attempt to calm her girlfriend.

"Yeah we would have appreciated the information about this guy much earlier," Charlie said in as non-confrontational a tone as possible.

"Well my friends." Alastor said before suddenly looking away from them and staring at the wall. His eyes looked like they were following something beyond it. For the briefest moment, Charlie swore she saw a flash of fear on his face. However, it was gone just as fast as it appeared as Alastor whirled to face the group. "It looks like your query is about to be answered. Now remember what I told you, it's pivotal if you want this endeavor of ours to succeed."

Right as he finished his sentence, there was a single, solid knock at the front door to the hotel. Everyone was dead quiet as they stared at the front door. Alastor gave one last smile to the group before flicking his hand, causing the door to shoot open.

"Vagabond, old friend! It's been quite some time. How have you been?" Alastor proclaimed as he welcomed the massive figure with open arms.

Everyone had to repress a collective gasp at the appearance of the figure, and Vaggie raised her spear as it stooped to enter the hotel. It was tall, towering even above Alastor. Its limbs were long and lanky, with arms ending in disproportionately large hands whose claws nearly dragged on the floor. The face was of this "Vagabond" appeared to be a vacant deer skull that had grown into the upper part of its face. Below the skull, a massive lipless maw of teeth covered in blood and bits of gore grinned out at them. The huge antlers adorning its head nearly scraped the ceiling, and its hooves made loud clops on the wood as it approached them.

"I am here for the debt you owe me, Alastor." he said. His voice was an eerie monotone that sounded like a mix of the guttural rumblings of an alligator and hiss of flesh being branded.

"Ah yes how could I possibly forget! And what is it you ask of me, my handsome fellow?"

"A place to den while I reside in this dimension. A secretive, seldom-used room."

"We do have basement right over there that I believe will suit your needs. Might have some stuff in storage down there but I'm sure you can make do." Alastor pointed to the basement door in the side of the staircase. Barely visible from where they stood as it sat shrouded in the stair's shadow.

Vagabond stared at it for a moment before turning back to Alastor. "Yes, it will do."

"Wait, wait, wait. Hold the fuck up." Vaggie said as she broke out of Charlie's hold and stormed towards the two much taller demons. "Nobody said anything about you staying here! We're trying to run a hotel and from the way Alastor described you, I don't want you around our guests."

He simply stared down at Vaggie without saying anything. Whatever this creature was feeling or thinking at that moment was impossible to tell. Vagabond looked like he was about to move towards her when Alastor abruptly stepped between them. "I can assure you, my friend here would never harm any of your guests while we harbor him here. In fact, I believe his goal is to stay hidden from them entirely."

"Yes." Vagabond stated in the same monotone. He switched his empty stare from Vaggie to Charlie and she had to contain a shiver. "I understand the purpose of your hotel, and while it is a foolhardy enterprise to redeem demons, I will not interfere. I will stay hidden from your clientele and will shed none of their blood nor yours while within. However, this is provided that you follow my own two rules. Never enter my room while I am residing here and tell no one of my residency here. This includes the clientele of this hotel not in this room. Otherwise, the consequences will be brutal and uncompromising."

"Well I guess I can agree to that. We don't really use the basement very much after all," Charlie said as she tried her best to mask her nervousness. She looked at Vaggie and saw her fuming in the corner but not saying a word. Husk looked bored, and Angel appeared to be locked in the middle of an internal war with himself to contain his own commentary.

"The daughter of Lucifer. I still find it strange you of all denizens of this lowly realm would attempt to redeem sinners. I doubt your father approves."

The mention of her father hit her harder than she expected. The fact that he still hadn't voiced any approval of what she was doing, even after the hotel's success had been eating away at her for a while now. She had managed to push the sadness to the background, but it shot back with full force at this creature's mention of it.

"No, not at all," she tried to mask her hurt with a smile but she didn't feel like it was convincing. Not that this thing would care though.

"The demons shall reap what they have sown for themselves," he said as he cast his blank gaze over the group. "And Alastor, as an extra incentive to keep my location secret, I will inform you that I am being pursued by the Hellwalker. He has yet to arrive in Hell but when he does, and he will, it would be in your best interests to keep him as far away from here as possible."

Alastor started at the mention of this "Hellwalker." Enough that he almost lost his ever-present smile. "Well, that's... disconcerting."

"Oh great! Another crazy murderer, I take it? Sure why don't we invite him over too!"

"If you do that, pray he catches you before I do," Vagabond said as he snapped his head in Vaggie's direction.

"Are you threatening me?"

"Yes."

"Guys, guys calm down. Alright, Alastor, who is this Hellwalker guy and what could his arrival in Hell do to the hotel?" Charlie interjected as she tried her best to keep the peace.

"Nothing good sweetheart, I can assure you. Although Hell will get its much-needed population reduction. They don't call him the Doom Slayer for nothing."

"So let me get this straight. We are not only allowing this creepy thing to live here rent-free, but he is also being pursued by a demon-killing genocidal maniac that will turn Hell on its head when he arrives?" Vaggie said, clearly on the brink of exploding.

"Seems like it, my dear. I always repay my debts and what my dear friend is asking is simple enough. Just keep things hush-hush and all will be swell," Alastor said as he reached down and patted her on the head. He quickly dodged her spear with a chuckle before turning back to Vagabond. "So it seems we have a deal and a debt repaid," he said as he offered his hand for a shake.

"The debt is not repaid until my business here has concluded," Vagabond stated flatly as he ignored Alastor's hand. He then turned and began walking to his new room. Alastor's eyes noticeably betrayed his anger at the handshake being ignored, but he didn't say anything.

"Wait, hold up. I'm sorry but there's one thing I got to ask," Angel spoke up in his usual flamboyant manner. Everyone turned to him except Vagabond, who stopped walking but didn't turn around. "Are you two related somehow. Ya know the antlers and the tall, lanky physique you got going?"

At this Vagabond turned and stared at Alastor "Ah yes, a predator made prey. Cursed to live eternity in Hell with those antlers as a permanent reminder of what he was in his final moments: little more than a scared deer."

Alastor's glare returned but his voice had its usual jubilant flare "Well in case you didn't notice, old friend. The effeminate fellow was talking about the similarities between us. Perhaps you shouldn't be so harsh on yourself. It is not healthy, you know."

"If only I were as easy to dissect as you are Alastor. Perhaps then it would have been me asking you for favors." The two glared at each other without saying a word, the tension in the air so thick you could cut it with a knife. Static began fizzing around the edges of Alastor's form, and Vagabond's claws seemed to lengthen with each passing moment. Nobody dared to speak, but Angel mouthed a "wow" to Charlie, apparently amused at the trouble he stirred up.

Finally, Alastor broke the silence by spinning to the rest of them and declaring "Well, it's late. I think we should all be turning in. Including my dear friend." He placed a harsh emphasis on the word "friend". Vagabond continued staring at him even after the Radio Demon turned his back on him. After a few moments, he turned and entered the basement, almost crawling through the small doorway.

"Yeah that's all I needed to hear," Husk said as he returned to his bar. Vaggie, Charlie, and Angel exchanged uncertain glances between each other.

"I can't believe this shit is happening. I always knew you would bring trouble, Alastor." Vaggie accused.

"He won't be that bad. He has a real heart of gold once you get to know him." Alastor said with a palpable sarcasm.

"Fuck off." Vaggie snarled before heading up the stairs, still fuming.

"Next time can you bring one of your hotter friends over?" Angel said before following Vaggie up the stairs. Leaving Charlie and the Radio Demon alone in the lobby.

"Do you really think he won't get in the way," she asked with dismay.

"Yes, I do. Even though I haven't narrowed down his goals yet. I'm certain they are much bigger than this hotel. He's probably just using this place as a 'hide in plain sight' deal," he said in a surprisingly sincere voice as he stared at the basement door.

Charlie gulped nervously as her thoughts wandered from Vagabond to this Slayer character. Despite Alastor's assurance, she couldn't shake the feeling that whatever conflict was on the horizon would change Hell itself forever.


	5. IMP's New Contract

It was five in the morning, well before the opening of the Immediate Murder Professional's headquarters, and Blizto was hard at work on some paperwork in his office. Well, he was really just drawing a picture of the IMP crew on a piece of looseleaf, but technically it was work he was doing on paper. So he figured there was nothing wrong with continuing to call it paperwork.

Suddenly there was a knock at the front door to their headquarters that jarred him out of his diligent work. Confused as to why someone would be here this early, he rose from his desk and walked towards the door. All of his employees had their own keys into the HQ, and none of them would be caught dead here any earlier than they had to be anyway. Cautiously he looked through the peephole and jolted back in surprise. Standing at the door was the all too familiar bird dick Stolas. Blitzo facepalmed and let out a groan before a flurry of bangs erupted on the door.

"I know you're in there, Blitzy! If you could be so kind can you let me in? I'd rather not have to force myself into your headquarters," Stolas said in a creepily seductive tone.

"If I didn't make it clear enough earlier. Not interested in curing your loneliness."

"Oh trust me I got your message loud and clear. Which is why I'm here actually. Since you took my escape from loneliness from me, I'm going to take something of yours. Well, something of mine that YOU took to be exact."

Blitzo paled as he realized what Stolas was talking about, "Wait we can talk about th..."

With a crash, the front door flew open and Stolas barreled in. Blitzo didn't even have time to react before he felt talons grip his throat and slam him into the wall.

"Where is it?"

"I have no idea what you are talking about, you privileged asswipe," Blitzo wheezed as he struggled against the overlord's grip.

"Don't play dumb with me! I knew you took the book from the beginning. I just let you have it with the expectation that there would be followup meetings."

"A bold assumption. Even for you."

Stolas tightened his grip, "Stop playing games Blitzy, I don't want to have to hurt you, but you denied me. And I don't like being denied."

"Ok ok fine. It's in my office, in a safe behind the middle portrait."

"You best not be lying to me. If there is one thing I hate more than being denied, it's being lied to."

With that, Stolas dropped him unceremoniously to the ground and waited for him to lead the way. Blitzo grumbled and rubbed his sore throat before hesitantly walking into his office. As he looked at the portrait of him and his team that hid the safe, he felt a sudden pang of sadness. If Stolas took the book it wouldn't just be his livelihood at stake, it would be the livelihood of his team. His family. He steeled himself for what he knew had to be done. Sighing, he turned to Stolas. "Look I'll make it up to you, Stolas. Right here and now even. Just let me keep the book."

Stolas stared blankly at him for a few seconds before letting out a loud cackle. "That ship has sailed long ago, I fear. No, I think you need to pay for not only stealing from me but treating me as if my loneliness doesn't matter. Now open that safe so I can get out of this rank shithole."

Blitzo glared at the overlord. Taking special offense to the comment about the building being a shithole because part of the reason he had come early was to spruce the place up. "Business has already been slow for a while. If you take this book, IMP could easily go under," he pleaded.

"What do you want me to tell you? Diversify I suppose. Now open the fucking safe!" He emphasized the last sentence with a drag of his talons across Blitzo's desk, leaving three deep gouges behind in the varnished wood. Blitzo grumbled as he typed in the combination to the keypad and heard a buzz as the safe door opened. Inside it was relatively sparse aside from the book, which Blitzo hovered his hand over for a bit. He desperately searched his mind for anything that would get him out of this situation.

Stolas quickly grew impatient and shoved Blitzo aside. Upon sighting the tome, an eerie smile crossed his owl face. He lifted it out of the safe and quickly scanned through its pages. Seemingly satisfied with having proved its authenticity, he slammed the book shut and turned to leave. Before he exited the office, Stolas turned back to Blitzo with that eerie smile still plastered on his face. "Normally I would say something like 'Be lucky this is all I take from you' but judging from the contents of your safe and the state of your workplace, I doubt there's anything more I could take if I tried. No wonder you have to resort to sleeping around to make anything of yourself." Blitzo glowered at the overlord and opened his mouth for a biting retort of his own but found himself unable to formulate one. Stolas let out one final cackle at his triumph before walking out of IMP HQ.

Blitzo stood alone in his office and stared at the now mostly empty safe. He poked his Moxxie bobblehead as he worked over how he'd break this to his team later.

The cardboard 'Meeting in Progress' sign hung limply on the door to the meeting room. Inside the three employees sat at their usual spots with Blitzo standing at the table's head in front of a whiteboard sporting the classy heading of 'We're fucked!' Millie looked on attentively at her boss while her husband looked between Blitzo and the whiteboard's header with apprehension. Loona, as usual, was wrapped up in her phone.

Clasping his hands together in a concise manner "So you are all probably wondering why I'm starting this Monday morning off with a meeting." Blitzo gave a small pause as he glanced around the room waiting for a response. Getting none, he continued. "Well, we had a visit from a certain privileged dickhole I might've brought up before. Aaaaaand he might have taken the book."

Both Millie and Moxxie started at the news, even Loona glanced up from her phone momentarily. "So you're saying we don't have access to the human world anymore?!" Moxxie screeched.

"Well yeah, what other book would I be talking about?"

"So how are we supposed to, ya know, RUN THIS BUSINESS!" Moxxie bolted upright and slammed his hands down in fury.

"Honey calm down, we'll figure this out." Millie stroked her husband's hair in an attempt to soothe him. It worked somewhat as he reclined slowly back into his seat. However, he was still shaking considerably.

"Fear not for I have a solution. I've been perusing the contracts on demons that are running right now, and I hit the motherload. One job alone that could put us on the map. One job that could get us enough money to be set for life and pursue our true passions!" Blitzo clenched his fists and stared off into the distance with a tear forming in his eye. Wiping it away, he pulled out his phone and triumphantly displayed a contract with a bounty of four million dollars.

"Holy shit!" Millie and Moxxie both exclaimed upon seeing the figure.

"The holiest. This guy has racked up quite a body count in the past three days alone. Five hundred demons, give-or-take, from here all the way to Pentagram City. Enough to piss off a lot of big players like overlord Coreolone who put up this contract."

"Five hundred demons? That's more demons in three days than humans we've killed in our entire careers. Who even is this guy?" Moxxie asked with marked concern.

"Nobody really knows too much about him. Except that he's not from around here. Here check out the photos. They're not the best but this guy doesn't seem much for photo ops."

All of them, even Loona, gathered around to view their target. The grainy image looked like it had been taken from a CCTV camera. Moxxie audibly gulped upon seeing the size and appearance of it. In each of its hands, it held what appeared to be the upper and lower halves of a bisected demon.

"Uh sir, while I appreciate your optimism, I don't see how we could possibly kill this thing. Even if we had the divine weaponry necessary for this job, he seems far too dangerous a target. Innumerable assassins who are, let's face it, better equipped and have far more experience would be on this job and so far none have succeeded."

"Ya know I have to agree with babydick here; this guy would rip us apart. I mean what the fuck could a guy like Moxxie do to him?" Loona added.

"Thank you for agreeing, Kennel Club."

"What did you just call me?" Loona snarled.

She looked like she was about to bite Moxxie's head off when Blitzo stepped between them. Looking noticeably disheartened as he addressed his employees. "Unfortunately you're both probably right. I suppose I got a bit overly ambitious on this one. Unfortunately there aren't many other contracts for demon targets. Seems the new guy has taken up everyone's attention. But don't worry I got a contact that will have info on targets not available on the main listings and maybe where we can get our hands on some divine weaponry."

"Yeah seems like as good a start as any," Moxxie sighed.

Blitzo clapped his hands together "Well it looks like the company meeting has officially concluded. Now chop. chop. We got an informant to visit."

With the meeting's conclusion, Blitzo led his employees out of the building and onto the derelict street outside.

"Are we actually walking the whole way there?" Loona grumbled.

"Of course we are! Have you seen gas prices recently? I couldn't imagine driving there."

"You don't even own a car."

"Hypotheticals, Loonie. Besides, it's only three blocks away." Loona snorted but didn't say anything and returned her attention to her phone.

The walk only took a few minutes, and it was pretty obvious to everyone when they arrived. A large neon sign that read: 'PAULIE WALNUTS: I KNOW THINGS' blinked above a seedy-looking (even for Hell) small two-story building. One of the front windows was broken, and a taxi cab was nearly blocking the front door, having been parked on the sidewalk in what must have been a hasty turn. Blitzo snorted and looked at Loona while pointing at the scene. "And you wonder why I don't have a car when this is the state of the average driver in Hell:

"Yeah because it's totally not that you just can't afford one."

"Alright next time let's be sure to take your Bentley, Misses High Roller."

Loona readied for a snarky retort but stopped when she saw the door to the place. It had been smashed in and now lay broken on the floor. A crash sounded from inside and loud shout followed quickly behind it. The group exchanged confused glances and, in silent agreement, decided to bring out their weaponry. Blitzo drew his flintlock pistol, Moxxie had a Glock, and Millie withdrew her signature mace. For her part, Loona simply pocketed her phone. She relied on her natural weaponry anyway.

Blitzo nodded his head and the group slowly entered the building with himself in the lead followed by Moxxie and Millie with Loona taking up the rear. They stepped carefully to avoid the glass on the floor. The empty room consisted of a small waiting area and a receptionist's desk. Blue curtains were set up directing behind the receptionist's desk. Behind them came a loud thud accompanied by another scream. This time Blitzo was close enough to make out the words that followed the scream. "Alright I'll tell you what I know, just don't break my fucking arm! I need that shit!"

Blitzo decided he'd scout it out first and motioned for the rest of his team to wait. He silently crawled over the desk and peeked through the corner of the curtains. What he saw behind them nearly gave him a heart attack. A demon, Paulie, was pinned to the floor by a massive man in green armor who had his arm bent awkwardly against a boot at the elbow. The man was slowly pushing down on Paulie's elbow with each passing moment, causing the demon to wince in pain. On the floor next to Paulie Walnuts' face was the same grainy photo of the target IMP was discussing earlier. The armored man was what caused Blitzo to nearly shit himself. He was a spitting image of the main antagonist of the bedtime tomes his mother used to read to him. The legendary monster that would take the little demons who didn't finish their meals and forgot their daily sacrifices. The Doom Slayer.

"Look it was last seen in Pentagram City. That I know for sure. It's been attacking the production and distribution of businesses owned by several head honchos there. Valentino, Corleone, Stolas, and a bunch of others. Fucker must've cost them uppity assholes millions already," Paulie practically squealed

Another man, who appeared to just be a regular human in a torn-up mall cop uniform, leaned against a desk to the right of the interrogation casually taking drags off a cigarette and paging through a magazine. Blitzo winced upon seeing the title.

The man chuckled as he looked at the magazine's contents, "This is so fucked. What kind of a name is Horny Hellhounds? Hey Spaceman, get a look at this shit!" He lifted the magazine for the Slayer to see. When he didn't look, the man shrugged and dropped the magazine back on the desk while shaking his head. "What kind of greasy bastard thought it was a good idea to make dogs hot?"

"It's a bestseller man, what do ya want from me?" Paulie muttered through gritted teeth.

"Hell is fucked."

Trying to tune out their conversation, Blitzo smirked at the mention of Stolas getting fucked over. But even more interesting than that was the fact that the Slayer was after the same target as IMP. Quickly a plan formulated in his mind. A very risky, probably mortally stupid plan. He darted back to his group who were listening to the commotion with wide eyes.

When he reached the group he was met with a flurry of hissed questions:

"What the fuck is happening in there?"

"Who's the guy with the funny accent?"

"What edition of Horny Hellhounds does he have?"

With a quick wave, Blitzo silenced them before leaning in with a massive smile. "Guys I think we just found our much-needed divine weaponry. I shit you not, the Doom Slayer is in that room!"

The blank stares he received from his teammates put him at a complete loss. "Cmon, the Doom Slayer, genocidal demon-slaying monster. The Bane of Hell. Did your parents not read you the story before bedtime? You know, the one that started with 'IN THE FIRST AGE, IN THE FIRST BATTLE'? Ugh what has happened to the modern generation," Blitzo lamented with an exaggerated facepalm.

Loona quirked an eyebrow at him. "You raised me, dumbass."

"Oh yeah. Right. Anyway just do exactly what I say and maybe we won't die. Now first things first, Moxxie give me your shirt."

"What? Sir, this is taking inappropriate workplace behavior to a whole ne..."

"Shut up and give me your shirt Moxxie, we need something white to wave so he knows we come in peace. These are matters of life and death here."

"Oh for Satan's sake," Moxxie grumbled as he took his shirt off and handed it to Blitzo. Who hastily tied it to a broom handle lying on the floor.

"Now let me do the talking here cause I know him the most." His team nodded, all looking at least a little afraid at meeting this guy given Blitzo's description. He figured he probably should've held his theatrical flair back. It was a truly powerful force after all.

They slowly approached the curtains, Paulie was still spilling info to the Doom Slayer in frantic pleas. Right after his latest diatribe ended, Blitzo stuck the makeshift flag through the curtain and called out, " We come in peace, Doom Slayer. We just want to talk." They all jumped when a loud boom sounded from the room, and the "flag" and some of the curtains were obliterated. The ragged hole left behind showed the Doom Slayer glaring at them from down the barrel of his shotgun. Well, he couldn't see his face, but the angry death glare could be felt in one's soul. His team began raising their weapons, but Blitzo spastically motioned them to lower them back down. This is not a fight they would win.

"Are you kidding me! That was my favorite shirt!" Moxxie groaned.

Blitzo shushed him and turned back to the Hellwalker, raising his hands in a placative manner. "Look we're after the same target here! Just hear me out, and we can help each other out."

"I got something for you horn monkeys to hear out!" the other man shouted and aimed his gun at Blitzo.

The Doom Slayer raised his hand in the man's direction, and he lowered his weapon with a befuddled look on his face. The Slayer stared at them for several moments that stretched on like an eternity. Then he slammed his boot down on Paulie's arm so fast it was little more than a blur. A loud snap resonating through the building as his arm was brutally fractured at the elbow. Blitzo couldn't help but flinch at the agonized screams he let out while cradling his ruined arm with the bone now sticking out of the skin. "You cocksucka, I told you everything I know! Why did you do break my fucking arm?!"

"Well, that's what happens you try and kill us, you greasy asshole."

"You broke down my fucking door!"

The Slayer marched towards Blitzo, tearing the remnants of the curtains out of his way before finally getting within arm's reach of the imp. He surveyed the rest of his team with a quick once over before looking back down at him.

Blitzo gulped before continuing, "We're after the same target here, and we both have something to offer the other. You've got the brawn and we've got the brains." Blitzo emphasized this by tapping his head.

The Slayer grabbed Blitzo by the collar and lifted him off the ground until he was at eye level. His team once again looked like they were about to attack, but Blitzo raised his hand in their direction. Realizing his mistake he quickly added, "Now I'm not saying you're unintelligent of course. What I mean by 'brains' is that we at the Immediate Murder Professionals have connections. We know people who know things all over Pentagram City. People with way more information to provide than Paulie here."

"Go fuck yourself, Blitzo!"

"And we also know where to look to go for fast transportation. Much faster than your taxi out front. Also, not that you'd be interested, but there are four million dollars riding on this thing's assassination."

At the mention of the cash, the other man appeared next to the Doom Slayer. Having previously been rifling through Paulie's drawers for who knows what. "Actually, we're very interested in that money."

Getting a good look at the two side by side made Blitzo realize the huge juxtaposition between them. One of them was an ancient immortal demon-slaying warrior and the other looked and spoke like common trailer park trash in a torn mall cop uniform. He wondered how on Earth they ended up in Hell together. "Would that be an agreement from both of you?"

"Sure I agree to it. But just know if you fuck us around, Spaceman here will tear your twiggy alien monkey head off," the man said while pointing at him angrily, cigarette bobbing up and down from the corner of his mouth as he spoke.

Spaceman? "And what about you, Doom Slayer?"

The Hellwalker stared for several more moments, boring deep into Blitzo's eyes through his helmet with an intensity that could melt steel. Finally, he gave a slight nod of his helmet. But he didn't let him go from his grip. Instead, he placed his shotgun right at Blitzo's midsection and pressed the barrel hard into his skin. Loona snarled menacingly behind them, but Blitzo knew he was just sending a message. Sure enough, he dropped Blitzo and holstered his gun.

"Alright so now that we have an agreement I'd like you two to meet our team. As you probably know already I'm Blitzo, the boss of this operation. We're the Immediate Murder Professionals, otherwise known as I.M.P, here to serve all your assassination needs. First, we have Moxxie, our weapons expert."

Moxxie waved nervously at the two men, not knowing exactly what to say.

"And our bruiser, Millie."

"Hi, y'all!" she happily exclaimed while extending a hand to the two, " A pleasure to meet you Mr. Doom Slayer and..."

"Ricky. It's nice to meet you too. You're a lot less of a dick than most Hell people," he said as he took up her offer for a handshake. The Slayer simply nodded in her direction.

"And last but certainly not least, our beloved receptionist Loona!"

For her introduction, she simply rolled her eyes and went back to texting on her phone.

Ricky's eyes widened in what appeared to be a sudden epiphany upon looking at Loona. How he didn't notice the tallest and only non-imp member of their group earlier was beyond Blitzo.

"The fuck? You're one of those hot dog chicks from that greasy magazine.

"Go fuck yourself that wasn't me in there, jackass. Not all hellhounds look the same," Loona gruffed while giving Ricky a death glare.

"No, actually you can go fuck yourself. I'm not going to be insulted by someone who looks like The Littlest Hobo if he had tits and was a total dick." Moxxie snickered at that, even though he didn't get the reference.

"Fuck off!" Ricky and Loona said simultaneously while flipping each other off.

Blitzo quickly tried to stamp out their argument "Guys, guys is that any way to start off a new business partnership? Now let's get going back to the HQ, time's a-wasting."

The Doom Slayer gave another small nod before stomping out of the store towards "his" taxi. Not even caring about the large minotaur demon texting on the sidewalk who was in his path. Even though the demon was the nearly eight feet tall and musclebound, the Slayer shoved him aside with ease. The forceful shove caused the demon to drop his phone and shatter it on the sidewalk. Ricky and I.M.P froze as they waited to see what would happen.

"You're gonna pay for that little man! Your stupid fucking armor isn't going to save you!"

The Slayer slowly turned to face the demon.

"Well, he just fucked himself," Ricky chuckled "You guys are gonna want to step back."

The demon charged the Slayer with his head down, clearly intending to impale the man on his horns. But the Doom Slayer was far too quick for him and easily dodged the charge, grabbing the fool's horn as he thundered past where the Slayer had just been. With a quick jerk, he ripped the horn right out of the minotaur's head. Causing him to shriek in pain and wheel around, throwing a volley of frantic punches at the Slayer. Who once again dodged them with ease and returned one of his own into the demon's jaw with lighting speed and an accompanying crack akin to thunder. A fountain of blood spurted outward as something wet and fleshy landed just to Blitzo's right. His eyes widened upon realizing it was the minotaur's lower jaw. Blitzo looked up to see the demon backing away in fear and dull confusion. The Slayer walked up to it with no hesitation or mercy and drove his horn into his own abdomen, slicing upward and causing a pile of entrails to fall out the demon's body and splatter on the pavement. The demon collapsed on its back, only able to let out weak gurgles as his killer placed a boot on his chest, grabbed his head on either side and yanked upward. Everything went black for the minotaur as his head was ripped clean off. The Slayer turned away from the corpse and carried the now decapitated head to the front of the taxi. Once there, he nonchalantly impaled it on the car's horned hood ornament.

Everyone stared wide-eyed and silent. Still gripped in a mix of awe and terror at the events that had transpired in the past few seconds. When the Slayer entered the driver's seat, everyone hastily followed like someone had lit a fire under their ass. Ricky took the passenger's seat, which forced the four to cram themselves uncomfortably close in the back. But nobody dared voice a complaint with even Loona being unusually compliant. As the shock wore off, a smile crept across Blitzo, and he nudged Moxxie. "We really do have a chance now," he whispered. Moxxie nodded but didn't seem as keen to smile at their new business partners. His quiet brooding was interrupted by Blitzo deciding he needed to learn forward over Moxxie to give directions.

"It's not far from here, you're going to want to take a right on Azazel Lane then a left on Baphomet."

"Hey, I forgot to ask earlier but do you guys know where I can get some dope around here?"

"Just use a vending machine," Moxxie stated as he pointed to one on the sidewalk which was being used by an imp to acquire some strange drug that looked like it was stamped with a horse's face.

"They sell dope in vending machines here? Man, Hell is awesome! That settles it, I'm getting drunk and stoned as fuck and eating chicken fingers tonight. Who's with me?"

"Finally someone is speaking my language!" Loona said with a surprising amount of jubilance.

"Fuck yeah! Can't wait to get fucked up with the Littlest Asshole."

"I don't even get that reference but call me that again, and I'll rip your throat out."

"Don't any of you dicks have a newspaper to hit her with or something?"

"Try me, asshole."

Moxxie groaned and buried his face into his hands, "This is going to be a long ride."


	6. Repercussions

Cherri Bomb thundered down the alleyway, relying on her instinctual acrobatic skill to dodge the piles of trash and body parts dotting the pavement. Her adrenaline was quickly wearing off, and the pain in her leg and from her multitude of other wounds was compounding and quickly reaching near unbearable levels. Between pained gasps, she contemplated giving her leg wound a glance to gauge its severity but quickly rejected the idea. Any lapse in her attention would just be an opportunity for that fucking monster to catch her off guard. She could still hear the horrid words it whispered to her in that disgusting voice. It never stopped whispering, even when it had begun carving pieces out of her. Cherri's single eye frantically scanned the surrounding rooftops for signs of her pursuer but found only the hungry stares of demons perched on dilapidated balconies like buzzards waiting for a wounded animal to die. Not too far from the truth actually. They could no doubt see the blood pouring from her wounds and her wild expression and knew it was the sign of someone that would soon be too injured to fight back.

"Fucking assholes," she snarled under her breath "We deserve to rot in this Hell."

This alleyway was far too open for her liking. Even if that skull-faced freak had grown bored of the chase, these other demons would soon descend on her. She was a well-known warlord and she had her fair share of enemies. Especially in this district where the fighting between her and that snake dickbag had caused rather...copious amounts of damage. Spying another smaller alley branching off to her right, she wasted no time diving into it and summoning two bombs in case the alley had any surprises for her. Upon finding nothing waiting for her, she was hit by an overwhelming wave of fatigue and pain as she stumbled down the alleyway. How long had she been running? It felt like fucking hours. And what made it all the worse was that the thing had let her go. This was all just part of its game.

The cyclops demoness nearly collapsed and had to brace herself on a dumpster halfway down the alleyway. "Goddamnit, I should probably check how bad that bastard fucked me up," she groaned while easing herself against the wall of the alleyway until she sitting down.

She had to be careful not to lean too heavily on the wall as her entire back felt like it was getting flayed. Cherri tentatively reached a hand to her back and felt the tattered remains of her top and the massive lacerations crisscrossing her flesh. Her hand came back completely red. She didn't find any solace in the state of her leg wound either. Blood seeped from a huge bite mark situated just above her knee. A wound so deep she could see the white of her bone.

"Fuck me," she groaned. She knew the blood loss was going to be a problem. Demons were tough but losing shittons of blood still had serious ramifications. Passing out in a seedy alleyway like this being numero uno on that list. The demoness quickly tore off a piece of what remained of her black leggings and tied a tourniquet above the wound. She knew it was only a temporary solution and a visit to a doctor would be needed to get everything stitched up properly. Hopefully, she could get her hands on some healing potions as well so her back doesn't end up looking like a topographical map of the Himalayas. Her breath was coming out in short, ragged gasps so broken ribs could probably be added to the list of bullshit that needs to be fixed. Not to mention the multitude of other smaller cuts and tears all over the front of her body. "When I'm healed I'm gonna hunt that skull-headed prick down and skin his hairy ass alive. Make him into a fur rug." She giggled at that far more than she should have. Fuck she was going delirious.

Suddenly a loud mechanical hum sounded from above her. An all too familiar mechanical hum.

"Of course. Of all the jackasses that could show up right now. It had to be him."

She winced and covered her eye as a bright spotlight illuminated her resting place. Above her, the massive zeppelin owned by none other than her arch-nemesis Sir Pentious loomed. There was a loud crackle as his shitty speaker started up, and Cherri dreaded the obnoxious voice that was coming.

"HAHAHAHA. Would you look at thissssss!" his voice echoed out of the speaker. Sounding even more retarded than usual. "It looks like my nemesis has found herself in quite the predicament!"

"God I wish that thing had just fucking bitten my head off," she grumbled.

A hatch at bottom of the zeppelin opened and a long, steel ladder slowly began descending from it. The loud screeching caused by a criminal lack of WD40 caused Cherri to wince. After an agonizingly long time it finally the pavement of the alley and Sir Pentious slithered down it with a massive shit-eating grin plastered on his face and a comically-large bright red pistol in his hand.

Upon reaching the ground, Sir Pentious pointed his stupid gun at her head and let out another tryhard supervillain laugh that was one hundred percent fake. When his laughter finally died down the snake demon winced and gripped his side for a second before realizing he was supposed to be acting intimidating and stood up straight. Cherri noticed a multitude of old bruises on his midsection as he did so. It looks like she wasn't the only one who's taken a fucking beating recently.

"Don't even think about throwing the bombs, missy! Unless you want your skull ventilated and set ablaze by my brand-new incendiary pistol!"

"Ugh, you can put your dollar store pea shooter away. I'm saving these bombs for someone actually dangerous." While she usually wouldn't be this cocky with someone pointing a loaded gun at her head while she sat severely injured in a random alley, this was Sir Pentious, the most incompetent supervillain wannabe to ever "grace" this hellscape. She'd be fine.

"PEA SHOOTER!" he shrieked and flared his hood in a rage "Let's see how cocky you'll be with your brains splattered on the wall!"

"Then do it, pussy! Please save me from listening to another one of your fucking wannabe supervillain monologues."

The serpent let out another snarl and down the gun's barrel at her uninterested face. He slowly began putting pressure on the trigger and... holstered the gun with an exasperated sigh. "Unfortunately, it wouldn't be very sporting of me do so. Plus you weren't injured by my hand, and the mighty Sir Pentious is no one's clean-up crew!"

Cherri rolled her eye. Inwardly she smiled as she readied to lob one of her bombs into his face. "I don't know. That line of work might be more fitting for you. Given how ass your current track record is."

"And to think I just spared your life, you ungrateful harlot. Have fun bleeding out in this alley until whatever demon did this shows up to finish the job. I'll be sure to blare your location as I leave. Just to help the good fellow along." That shit-eating grin quickly returned to his face.

The cyclops opened her mouth for another biting retort when she heard it. The whispering. It drifted on the air as a jumble of unintelligible guttural words. Strangely, Pentious didn't seem to react to the sound. She turned to find where it was coming and realized it was originating from the main alley she had entered here from. Its source wasn't visible but the increasing volume meant that wouldn't be the case for long.

"Oh fuck me." Cherri quickly rose to her feet (feeling another surge of much-needed adrenaline) while still staring at the alley's entrance, bombs at the ready.

"WHAT! Are you crazy! We're enemies and I w...would never defile myself in such a way!"

She glanced at the snake demon out the corner of her eye and saw that he was looking away from her with his face lit bright red with embarrassment.

"Not you, you fucking idiot. What I meant was that creepy bastard is indeed coming back to finish the job. So either you help me out or get the fuck on."

"Pfft, as if I would help you!"

"Well he's gonna carve you up like a Thanksgiving turkey as well so you don't really have a lot of options here."

"HA, we'll see about tha..." Pentious' gloat was cut short when he saw the figure that rounded the corner. "Oh shit, that thing from the news." All the cockiness had drained from his face and she could swear that he had gotten considerably paler.

Honestly, though, Cherri knew she wasn't much better off upon looking at the thing. It marched slowly down the alley towards them. The whispering had gotten loud enough that she could make out some of the words now._ 'Do you know what it is like to bear the seeds of Armageddon? It is a beautiful thing. I can show you.'_ The demoness couldn't help but shiver, especially when she noticed that its mouth wasn't moving. The thing raised its arms, pointing them at brick walls on either side of it, as it approached. Slowly its long claws grew and joined together into one long obisidan-like blade that stuck into the building's walls. Dragging through them like a knife through hot butter as the entity approached the two demons.

"FUCK OFF ALREADY," she screamed while lobbing both bombs at the thing. Both of which hit it square in the face before detonating. The alleyway erupted in the blast of fire and dust that caused both demons to flinch and cover their eyes. Cherri looked up and felt her blood run cold as the thing walked out of the dust cloud completely untouched. The only difference being that its dagger hands were now carving deep fissures in the concrete as they dragged on the ground.

Without a word, Pentious slithered back up the ladder, which had begun slowly ascending. Cherri spied a small doorway a few hundred feet away and prepared to bolt for it when she felt something strong wrap around her waist.

She couldn't help but gasp at the force. That freak must have closed the distance fast. Cherri summoning another bomb to throw down its throat. Only to realize it was Pentious' tail wrapped around her and hauling her upward. The entity was still taking his sweet time walking towards them.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

"If anyone is going to kill my arch-nemesis, it's going to be me!"

Pentious charged through the hatch leading into his ship and slammed it shut behind him. Sending several of his stupid egg minions flying as he did so. He darted to the zeppelin's control panel, dropping her hard on the floor on his way there.

"Watch it Edgelord! Damn near broke my neck!"

"Hardly the worst fate that could've befallen you tonight, missy," he said without looking up from the cluster of levers and buttons. The zeppelin quickly began rising into the air, and Cherri spared a glance out the window at the alley.

Her eyes widened upon seeing that her pursuer was now standing atop one of the rooftops staring right at her. Having somehow climbed ten stories near instantaneously. As they flew away, she heard one last horrid whisper stab into her ears. The Edgelord started at the same time so she knew it wasn't just her hearing it this time.

_'The faithful watch the forest for the coming of the King. Their lanterns bright, they wait at night for the new world he shall bring.'_

* * *

Charlie's mouth was pressed in a firm line as she stared at the television screen set up in the lobby. On it, a newscaster she wasn't all too friendly with narrated over a series of images of carnage. Burning buildings, dismembered demons lying in the streets, gunfire, and explosions all flashed by the screen in quick succession.

_...overnight there was another attack by the unknown entity that some have come to call the Wendigo. This time renowned overlord and owner of Hell's porn industry, Valentino, suffered the brunt of the attack with an estimated thirty million dollars lost after the death of several of his highest-paid porn stars..."_

Charlie tuned out the rest of it as she heard Angel enter the room. He seemed to be in a heated conversation with someone on the phone. No doubt having to do with the attack on his boss's workplace. She was beginning to feel like Vaggie was right about their new guest and no doubt be hearing "I-told-you-so" galore when her girlfriend returned from her trip to Pentagram's City business district with Alastor. While he had stuck to his word and left the hotel patrons unharmed, his ceaseless assaults on the most powerful figures in Hell was bound to bring some trouble. If you counted the mercenaries roaming the streets attacking anyone and everyone they suspect of working with Vagabond, then the trouble had long since begun. And if any of the overlords found out they were harboring him here...

Charlie gulped. She was going to have to talk to Alastor about this. She lifted out her phone to call Vaggie when Angel stopped her, having finished his call while she was lost in thought. "Hey Toots, we got a problem here. Look I tried to talk him out of it but Valentino is heading here right now and he's pissed off. The bone-headed freak show is turning out to be a lot more trouble than he's worth." Angel directed a venomous stare towards the closed basement door. "Actually I was just going to talk with Alastor about that. Have an intervention with him I guess... How soon will Valentino be here?"

"Like now soon! So let me do the talking and hopefully, I can cool him down. Just keep the two psychos out of the way."

"I can order him to leave. I am the Princess of H..."

Angel brought a finger to her lips and sighed. "If a two-bit cumdumpster of a newscaster is willing to throw hands with you on live fuckin' television, do you really think an overlord would have any reservations about doing something worse?"

Charlie winced and rubbed her shoulder in embarrassment with the reminder of her antics during the introduction of her pet project.

"Don't worry bout' it alright. I'll handle it"

As he finished his reassurance, there was a thunder of knocks at the hotel's door. A flash of fear swept across Angel's face, but it was gone as fast as it appeared and replaced it with a smile. The spider demon straightened himself and brushed a hand through his hair before opening the front door.

Valentino wasted no time with greetings and simply barreled into the hotel lobby with four muscular shark-like goons at his back. The periwinkle skinned demon glared at Charlie briefly through his heart-shaped glasses before turning to Angel. The usual smug overlord air he possessed was gone, and he looked borderline frantic and disheveled. His massive coat was stained in several places with soot and blood.

"Val, honey, I heard about the awful shit that happened down at the studio and I was just on my w..." Angel Dust's explanation was cut off by Valentino grabbing his face and roughly pulling him towards the pimp overlord. "Save your lies, Angel. I don't give a shit what you were actually doing. The problem is where you were. Which was not at the studio!" The pimp growled and tightened his grip on Angel's face, causing him to wince in pain. Charlie moved to stop him but was barred from approaching by the four henchman demons. One of them raised his shirt to display a shotgun in his waistband.

"Step back, princess. We won't hesitate to blast you fulla' lead just cause of your pretty little title." The goons chuckled at that, and Charlie glared angrily at the assholes but didn't advance. She knew it would only make things worse.

"I've been too lenient by letting you stay at this bullshit hotel. No more, especially not now. You're coming with me and if I catch back at this shithole again there will be Hell to pay."

"Yes Val," Angel said while averting his eyes. The pimp glared at Angel for a few long seconds more before letting him go and storming towards the exit. Angel glanced at Charlie and gave a clearly forced smile and thumbs up before following the overlord. The four henchmen were the last to leave, with the lead one giving Charlie a final sneer before turning around to follow the others.

Charlie reached out in Angel's direction, wishing with all her heart that she could just tell Valentino what was hiding underneath the hotel and be done with it. But she knew that wouldn't play out in her favor. Any being that Alastor owed a debt to isn't something to fuck with. She still needed to talk with him though and figure something out to help her friend out. As the hotel doors slammed shut, she turned to face the basement door. Her anger at the situation overrode her fear and caused her to stomp towards the door while donning her demonic form.

Charlie stopped directly in front of the short, wooden door, raised her hand to slam on the door, and froze. Inside she could hear voices. They sounded far away and quiet, but she could tell they were definitely not the guttural mutterings of the room's resident. She silently put her ear against the door, her anger slowly morphing into confusion. She wondered who the hell would be in there with that thing willingly. The princess of Hell let out an uncomfortable gulp upon the realization that it most likely wasn't willing.

"I've been too lenient by letting you stay at this bullshit hotel." Charlie jolted back upon hearing the voice of Valentino come from the room. She glanced at the front door and back at the basement door. There was no way that was possible. She had just seen the two leave out the front door. Shaking her head she placed her ear back on the door.

"Don't worry bout' it alright. I'll handle it." Now it was Angel's voice, exact same tone, and cadence as what Angel said to her earlier.

One word came to Charlie's mind that made her think even coming to this door was a mistake. Mimicry. He was mimicking the conversation they were having in the lobby. Now magic that allowed one to copy voices perfectly is far from unheard of, what unsettled her was the question of why he was doing it. What purpose would this thing that has nearly collapsed the industries of Hell's most powerful overlords in a few nights have for perfectly mimicking their conversations? Regardless, she had to talk to Vagabond no matter how creepy the bastard was.

Taking a deep breath and steeling herself, she raised her hand and knocked on the door. Significantly less forceful than she had originally planned. The voices inside immediately stopped and the door shot open. Revealing a completely black void inside aside from the Vagabond's skull staring back at her from deep within the room. The darkness somehow making it impossible to tell just how far he was from the door. Charlie gave a nervous smile at him and waved. "Hi! So um, we have to talk..."

When he spoke it sounded as if he was speaking right into her ear. Charlie barely stifled a jump of surprise. "I heard. A simple oversight. I forgot the man whore was under the reins of one of my targets. You have done well by not giving away my location. This Valentino will trouble you no further I can assure you."

"Uh okay but how exactly do you plan on doing this? Not meaning to pry but would it have anything to do with you creepily mimicking their voices in the darkness?"

"I will visit him later. Finish the job." He stated in his distinctive monotone, completely ignoring her second question.

"Ok great but just remember Angel comes out unharmed." Surprising even herself with how much confidence she put into the order. Her father's training has come in handy if she were to be honest.

"That was already promised."

When he didn't say anything else and just continued staring at her, Charlie gave an awkward thumbs up and slowly closed the door. Once she heard the click of the lock, she let out a long exhale and rubbed her forehead in frustration. Yeah, that meeting with Alastor needs to be sooner rather than later.

Just as she started walking away from the door, she heard it again. The voices had started back up. However, this time she swore she heard her voice among them.


	7. A Meeting of the Minds

"Loona can you stop slobbering on the joint for fuck sakes!" Ricky grimaced and wiped his lips with his shirt sleeve. Holding the joint away from him like it was radioactive.

"Eat a dick, Ricky. Just pinch off the wet part if it bothers you so much."

"Fuck off I rolled the joints. The least you could do is not get your dog slobber all over them."

"Call me dog again, I swear," Loona growled and leaned towards Ricky menacingly.

Seemingly unperturbed, Ricky continued his heckling. "Well, it's what you are! You've got a fucking collar on, dummy."

"WOULD YOU TWO SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!" Moxxie screeched and slammed his fists onto the table. His anger at the two's inane argument finally boiling over. The Doom Slayer mentally thanked the imp for telling the two to shut up. As his own outburst would've been a lot less... manageable. The group had been in I.M.P's meeting room for less than five minutes (which was only enough time for Blitzo to wipe writing that said 'We're fucked' off the whiteboard and begin hastily drawing something else), and the two were already going at it over the marijuana they begged to buy from the vending machine on the way there. The Slayer had only given in with the hope that it would chill the two out. No such luck.

"Moxxie would you calm the fuck down. Here just take a hit. This Hell dope is amazing!" Ricky said as he offered the imp his joint.

"Uh, no thanks. Unlike my low-impulse control coworker, I don't believe being inebriated while planning an important job is a good idea."

"You could have just said no, asshole."

"Yeah, Moxxie is a stuck up prick. You'll eventually get used to it." Loona snarked while taking Ricky up on his offer. She took a long toke and blew it straight into Moxxie's face. The imp angrily waved the smoke away and flipped her off. Both Ricky and Loona laughed at that and fist-bumped.

"OKAY, EVERYONE!" Blitzo shouted with his usual theatrical flair, causing everyone to snap their heads in his direction. He stepped away from the whiteboard, revealing surprisingly well-drawn map of Pentagram City with several red dots peppering it. Next to the map was the CCTV image of the Vagabond. "So this is where Paulie said the attacks occurred. Now, what do you all glean from this information?"

It didn't take long for Blitzo to lose everyone's attention. Loona went back to scrolling through her phone, Ricky rolled another joint, Millie looked at her husband expectantly, and the Doom Slayer stared straight ahead. The Slayer had plenty of ideas about what the attack patterns meant, but he wanted to test the analytical skill of these demons. If they failed to provide any useful information here, he would make good on his promise to Blitzo and leave this room a lot bloodier than when he entered it.

Moxxie sighed before speaking up. No doubt realizing nobody else was going to. "Well due to the size of Pentagram City, the spread of the attacks, and the short timeframe we're clearly dealing with a highly mobile target. There is a notable variation of importance in where it attacks as well. The locations assaulted range from the actual headquarters of overlords to small businesses only loosely connected to any overlord. This suggests it not only has a deep knowledge of the ruling class of Hell but these attacks are meant to serve as more a form of psychological warfare than corporate espionage or simple territorial feuding. It wants them to know that nothing of theirs is safe. Finally, it's attacks don't stick to any particular time frame or location in Pentagram City, so it's most likely hiding within the city and wants to keep its own headquarters a secret."

Blitzo slow-clapped Moxxie's explanation. "Excellent deduction, Moxxie. That was just what I was going to say!" The Slayer could instantly tell that Blitzo was still processing what Moxxie had said.

"That's my smart baby," Millie gushed while hugging her husband, who began blushing furiously. Noticing this, Ricky feigned puking on the table, eliciting a snicker from Loona.

The Slayer was genuinely impressed with the imp's deduction and turned to face him, giving him a curt nod of respect. Once again the difference between this Hell and the others made itself incredibly apparent, as even the lowest form of demons here could be quite intelligent. Moxxie's eyes widened and he gave an awkward thumbs up towards the Hellwalker. The Slayer was amused that the imp was completely ignorant of the fact he had just saved his and his team's lives.

"So it seems like Pentagram City is definitely the place to begin our search. I've also got a contact there that always has the best information on big targets like this. He goes by the name HABIT. Runs the Purple Rabbit Casino on Abaddon Street."

Loona perked up at the mention of the casino. "Oh yeah, the Purple Rabbit! The demons there always have the best coke!"

"That they do," Blitzo said with a content smile plastered on his face as if he was recalling some fond memories. The lanky imp shook his head vigorously and returned his attention back to the group. "But that's not important right now. Usually, you need to have an appointment with him scheduled weeks in advance and pay a hefty price upfront to not get brutally murdered by him. But with our new muscle..." he winked at the Slayer "I don't think such scheduling will be necessary."

"Why do Hell people all have such dumb fucking names? HABIT, Blitzo, Moxxie. Your parents must've all been fucked up when naming you, " Ricky stated with genuine confusion in his voice. As usual, completely missing the point of the conversation.

"I feel like I should be offended at that, but to be fair, they probably were," Blitzo responded honestly. "And on a final note, that transportation I promised!" With a palpable pride, he displayed a blue electronic keycard with a symbol of a TV with two glaring eyes in the middle of it. "Normally by car it would take hours to get to Pentagram City. But this all-access pass to the jump portals can take us pretty much anywhere in Hell instantaneously!"

"Aren't most of the portals shut down after Vox's HQ was attacked?" Moxxie asked.

"Yes most were, but there's one still up and running in Imp City that's only ten minutes from here. Now any further questions before our meeting is adjourned?"

"Actually I have a question. Why do you pronunculate your name as 'Blitz' when there's an 'o' at the end?" Ricky asked, having noticed the old poster of Blitzo's circus acts on the wall. Blitzo noticeably cringed at the man's pronunciation of his name. And no doubt his pronunciation of the word 'pronunciation' itself. The Slayer was glad he was no longer suffering alone at the mercy of Ricky's stupidity.

"The 'o' is silent," Blitzo said through gritted teeth.

"No, it's not, dumbass. If it was silent, it wouldn't be there. How is a letter silent if I can read it? Holy fuck Hell people are stupid."

Blitzo facepalmed. "Moxxie could you get this one, please?"

"With all due respect, sir. No." Moxxie replied without hesitation.

"Go easy on him, sugar. Not everyone has had the luck of a good education," Millie said, trying her best to mediate any further arguments.

"Education is overly appreciated anyway. All they teach you is how to read other people's fancy book words. I'm my own man and can make my own words."

Having heard enough, the Doom Slayer rose from his seat and walked out the door. Blitzo quickly motioned for the team to follow with a hasty "Meeting concluded."

As the group filed out of the room, Ricky lit another joint.

"SHOTGUN!" Loona yelled as she barreled past Ricky and the rest.

"Loona, fuck off! Dogs don't sit in the front!" Ricky yelled before rushing after her. Millie giggled and ran after the two. She probably didn't even want the shotgun seat, but the idea of a race was too fun for her to pass up.

With the rest of the team going ahead, Moxxie placed his hand on Blitzo's shoulder and whispered in his ear. No doubt thinking the Slayer was too far away to hear. But his helmet picked up the imp's words perfectly.

"Sir, you know that keycard isn't all-access, right? It can only be used for a single one-way trip."

"Oh, Moxxie. We're only going to need one." Blitzo said with a pat on his employee's head. The Slayer smiled. He didn't even care that Blitzo had lied to him because he agreed one hundred percent.

* * *

The drive was indeed short and mostly uneventful. Well except for the Slayer "accidentally" running over a few jaywalking demons, and Ricky whining about losing the shotgun seat to Loona. When a large building came into view, Blitzo excitedly pointed it out as the location of the jump portals. The building looked like a hi-tech bus stop with a flashing blue neon sign that read 'Vox's Jump Portals!'. At the entrance, several heavily armed demons stood and glared at anyone walking by. All of them sporting the same TV insignia on their uniforms as the portal keycard. The Doom Slayer also spotted several snipers on the roofs surrounding the portal. He cracked his neck in anticipation.

Noticing this, Blitzo hastily added "It seems that Vox beefed up security a lot of after the attacks. Just play it cool and they'll let us through." The Doom Slayer nodded but inwardly hoped these demons would try something. The Slayer parked the taxi and exited, quickly followed by the rest of the group. As the group approached, the demon guards raised their weapons. One demon with a blue flame for a face spoke up "What's your business here?"

"Just taking a trip to the good old Pentagram City, fellas!" Blitzo said as he removed the keycard from his coat pocket. The demons slightly lowered their guns as they eyed the group.

"Alright, get fuckin' moving then," the flaming demon said while motioning with his gun. Blitzo gave a thumbs up and their group walked through the now parted mob of guards. As they passed the flame demon placed a hand on the Slayer's shoulder. He smiled and clenched his fists. "Hey man, just wanted to say. That's a badass hood ornament!" the Slayer was taken aback for a moment, before remembering the now festering demon head impaled on his taxi. He gave a nod to the demon, who quickly lifted his hands away. The Slayer swore he saw a look of fear pass over the demon's face when they made eye contact.

Upon entering the portal station, Blitzo placed the keycard in a slot embedded in a massive metal door. There was a loud beep and the keycard was ejected back out. Now a dull gray after apparently being deactivated. The metal doors slid open and revealed a swirling blue portal with a pentagram in the middle and an electronic display to the right that had a list of destinations. Many of said destinations were dull gray, probably the locations Moxxie said were unavailable due to the attacks. Blitzo selected the option for Broad Street, Pentagram City.

"Oh fuck no. I'm not getting in that swirly bullshit portal again. Last time I puked my guts out!" Ricky shouted.

"You used a jump portal before?" Moxxie asked with a quirked eyebrow.

"I mean I went through something like it. But it was red instead of blue."

"Oh, you mean a portal to Hell. This probably won't be that bad. You're only dealing with intradimensional travel this time."

"Indimension, outdimension. I don't give a fuck, I'm n..."

Ricky's tirade met an abrupt end when Loona kicked him into the portal mid-sentence before jumping in herself with accompanying yell of "PUSSY!"

The Slayer quickly followed. He felt the typical rush as he flew down a long worm-hole like formation, his mind bombarded with innumerable flashing images of demons, occult symbols, murder, torture, and numerous other unspeakable acts. Just the usual. Then with a bright flash, he landed standing on his feet in another portal station. He looked down to see Ricky violently puking on the floor with Loona leaning against the wall and laughing at him.

"You fucking assface, you made me drop my joint!" Ricky lamented between vomits. This only caused Loona to laugh harder.

There were three more consecutive flashes as Blitzo, Moxxie, and Millie appeared out the portal. Millie looked at Ricky with concern and walked over to him. Placing a hand on his shoulder, she tried comforting him. "Hey, it's okay, Ricky. I can imagine those jumps would be rough on a normal human. I'm sorry about Loona, she's a total bitch pretty much all the time." Loona snarled at that as Millie pulled a napkin out of her pocket and handed it to Ricky. He unsteadily rose to his feet and wiped the vomit residue off his mouth.

The Slayer was taken aback by this strange kindness. He scrutinized the demoness and all her actions up until this point, searching for any ulterior motive. He was unable to find any. Had he just witnessed a demon act altruistically to a human? That is...disconcerting.

"Thanks, Millie," he said before tossing the vomit napkin at Loona. It stuck right in the middle of her top's pentagram. She pulled it off in disgust before her face contorted in rage.

"You motherfucker!" she roared before lunging at Ricky with teeth bared. The Slayer quickly stepped in between, blocking her charge with an outstretched arm. The collision knocked the wind out of the hellhound, and she looked at him with pure fury. "Get your fucking hand off me!"

He didn't move his arm. Instead, he stared directly into Loona's eyes, daring her to try something. This intense staring contest continued for several seconds before Blitzo intervened.

"Loona, calm down alright. Trust me, I love you but you'll lose this fight very badly."

Loona finally relented. Looking down and backing away, raising her hands in defeat and muttering several curses under her breath. The Slayer disliked this hellhound demon. She completely lacked discipline and a proper work ethic. But that would soon change now that he was a part of their group. The only other option for her was death.

A cheery electronic female voice interrupted the Slayer's thoughts. "Thank you for using Vox's Jump Portals! Now please, get the fuck on! There are other costumers waiting!"

"Fuck you too, electrodick!" Ricky yelled while flipping off the speaker.

The group walked out of the room into a much larger station than the one in Imp City with several dozen additional portal rooms stretching almost out of sight. Demons of all types filed out of each room. The metal doors swiftly closed behind them and the group exited the station. Even more armed guards sat at the exit to this portal station. The guards glared at them as they walked past.

The Slayer stared in surprise at what he saw. A bustling metropolis sat before him, akin to Broad Street in New York City. Demons walked, flew, and crawled all around them and cars barreled down the highway at dizzying speeds. Neon lights and billboards flashed all around him, and he once again got that feeling that he wasn't in Hell, but in some alien world that had the same productivity as the human world. Perhaps even greater. The Slayer quickly dispelled these ridiculous notions. Even if they were unusually "civilized", they were still demons. He could never forget that. The Slayer followed after Blitzo as he led the group to this "HABIT."

Ricky stared at the bright city lights in awe. "Ya know, my old man always said how fucked Hell was. And to be fair it is kinda fucked. But it's also awesome. The dope is great and just look at this place! Bars, casinos, and strip clubs everywhere! It's a greasy paradise! Julian and Bubbles would love it here."

"Trust me, Ricky. This place has more than its fair share of suffering. The indulging of carnal desires cannot replace the lack of a soul," Blitzo said as he gesticulated to the city around him.

"Don't know what eating meat has to do with souls but whatever you say I guess," Ricky said.

Moxxie raised his hand to correct Ricky, but thought better of it and just shook his head.

They walked down the sidewalks for a while without any hitches. Shocking given the sheer number of demons in the area. The Slayer could feel the urge to rip and tear becoming more and more unbearable as they progressed. Being surrounded by so many demons was bringing back a ton of fond memories. He once again found himself nostalgically smiling as he thought back on the many centuries of carnage and dismembered demons.

"Watch out everyone. Hookers up ahead. We got a human in tow so they'll probably think we got money. Just keep walking and ignore them." Blitzo warned. Sure enough, the Slayer saw several scantily dressed demons and demonesses up ahead. If they touched him, there would be no ignoring on his part.

"Well would you look at this handsome group here," a lithe bug-like demoness said. "I bet you're looking for some company."

Blitzo, Loona, Moxxie, and Millie walking through the crowd, ignoring them as Blitzo said. Millie brandished her ax and glared at a prostitute that was eyeing Moxxie. Ricky, however, stopped in front of the bug demoness. "Hey, you got any smokes? I know I'm not supposed to talk to you guys cause' it's greasy, but I lost my pack and I'm about to fucking snap!"

"Sure, doll," she said in a sultry tone before pulling a pack out from her bra. She took a cigarette out, placed it in Ricky's mouth and lit it with a flame that manifested at the end of her index finger.

"Ricky!" Moxxie hissed.

"Would you chill the fuck out, it's just a cigarette!"

"Oh, but I can give you so much more than just that cigarette, baby. Especially for a handsome human like yourself." She began rubbing Ricky all over with her four long arms. Several more of the hookers were beginning to converge on him. The Slayer decided enough was enough and grabbed the bug demoness by the head and tossed her through a storefront window before pushing Ricky forward.

"What the fuck, asshole!" a male prostitute that resembled a muscular bat shouted. The Slayer wheeled around and punched the demon straight through the chest. Blood sprayed everywhere as the Hellwalker tore his still-beating heart out of his body. The demon collapsed into the street and was flattened into a paste by oncoming traffic.

"You freak! Just wait until Valentino hears about this! You're all fucking dead!" one of the prostitutes yelled as they all beat a hasty retreat.

"What the fuck, man! Do you know who you just made enemies with!" Moxxie shouted at the Slayer. "Valentino is one of Hell's most powerful overlords. And now you've definitely pissed him off! As if we needed more trouble from overlords."

The Slayer shrugged and kept walking. If this "Valentino" had a problem with him, he dies too. Simple as that.

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to Moxxie, but for now. Here we are!" Blitzo raised his hands in triumph upon turning the corner and revealing the Purple Rabbit Casino. It was a massive building, soaring out of sight into the blood-red clouds above. Above the stylized writing of the casino's name, a bright purple stuffed rabbit with two blank red eyes shone brightly. All manner of demons funneled in and out of the casino, ranging from pampered owl-like demons that were clearly royalty to lowly imps.

"Yeah, that's definitely a place you can get some good coke. Dope and liquor as well," Ricky beamed as he stared at the casino. "Holy fuck I hope they sell pepperoni!"

The group entered the casino and were all in awe at the flashing lights and sounds of bottles clinking and the machines whirring. All except the Slayer, of course, who only saw more demons that he desperately wanted to kill. It was only the pursuit of a greater target, one whose threat to innocent life dwarfed all these demons combined, that kept him in line.

Blitzo walked up to a staff member who sported the purple rabbit symbol above his name tag. "Excuse me, where is your boss HABIT?"

"Right now he's in the back in a meeting. So unless you got something scheduled, I'd suggest you fuck off. Unless you want to butchered where you stand." The demon said as he pointed to a large purple metal door in the distance.

In spite of the threat, Blitzo chuckled. "It's alright. I'm sure he'll be fine with it. I'm an old friend."

"Okay whatever, imp. Have fun dying I guess," the demon said as he shook his head and walked off.

"What a dick," Ricky said.

"Eh, it's pretty normal. Let's go!"

Blitzo excitedly led the group to the door. On it, a red sign hung from a large metal handle that read 'Ocupado'. The imp rapped on it three times and waited.

"Can't you read, dicksnot? OCUPADO!" A gravelly voice responded loudly from within.

"It's me, Blitzo! And I brought a guest you're gonna want to meet."

There were several clicks as the door's locks were disengaged. It was pushed open and there stood...a human. Or at least it appeared to be on the outside. The Slayer knew residents of Hell should never be taken for just what they appear as. The man wore a Hawaiian shirt, a baseball cap, and a giant Chesire smile. He also was absolutely drenched in blood. In his right hand, he held a massive butcher knife, also covered in blood.

"Blitzy! You goofy imp fuck. I appreciate you finally visiting me but I'm kinda in the middle of something," HABIT stated as he glanced at his knife. "So fuck off or I'll carv..." HABIT's voice lapsed into a much deeper, demonic tone before he froze midsentence upon catching sight of the Doom Slayer and Ricky. His mouth dropped open and his already wide grin grew even larger. "No fucking way! You know what! Come on in fellas. Blitzo you really outdid yourself on this one big guy!"

The man gestured with his knife for them to follow. Upon entering they found a typical office room inside. Well, typical aside from the wooden torture rack sitting in the corner of the room. In it, an obese pig-like demon was strapped in. Several long tracts of his skin were missing, and his body was crisscrossed in all manner of knife wounds. HABIT walked up to the man and smiled down at him. "Don't mind porky here, I was just showing him the door." HABIT punctuated his sentence by stabbing the suid demon in the neck and dragging the knife all the way to the other side. Blood poured down as HABIT formed a second red smile on the demon's neck. The demon gurgled and spasmed before going quiet. Probably from the pain, as the Slayer didn't think the knife was of divine making. Ricky looked horrified while everyone else sat in stunned silence.

"Anyway, Blitzo I have to commend you again here. You brought the fucking Doom Slayer, the Bane of Hell himself, and Ricky LaFleur to my casino! Big fan of you two." HABIT pointed and winked at them.

"How the fuck do you know me?" Ricky stated in shock.

"From your TV show of course! Easily the best documentary I've seen in my life. Shit has me rolling every time I watch it. Tell me one of your knock-knock jokes!"

"Alright. Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"A crazy dick with weird clothes and a stupid fucking name who honestly has a nice ass casino but still needs to be put in a mentality hospital because he's so fucked in the head."

The smile dropped from HABIT's face and everyone present tensed up. The Slayer placed his hand on his shotgun, preparing for this HABIT to fly off the handle at the insult. Instead, he erupted into hysterical laughter.

"Goddamn, you're good. If anyone else said that to me I'd castrate them and force-feed them their testicles. But you're just too much of a legend, man. Here can you sign this?" HABIT handed Ricky a marker with his still blood-stained hand and pointed to a poster on the wall that depicted Ricky and two other men, one muscular and wearing a black shirt while the other wore a pair of ridiculously massive glasses. The Slayer presumed that was the Julian and Bubbles Ricky had mentioned earlier. Above them in bold red lettering was the title 'Trailer Park Boys'.

"Yeah sure, man. Always glad to meet a fan of the show, I guess."

"Ricky you didn't tell me you were a connoisseur of the theatrical arts!" Blitzo said. His eyes lighting up with happiness.

Ricky looked at him in confusion. "What in the fuck does con of the sewer mean?"

HABIT erupted into laughter again before turning to the Slayer "As for you, Mr. Slayer! I'd ask for an autograph but you wouldn't give it. I just want you to know. You're a bonafide badass, and I'm a huge fan of your work. Ripping apart these demon bitches for eons on end. Genocidal game recognize genocidal game."

The Slayer was at an utter loss at this. A demon praising his work? Something was incredibly off here.

"Well, Blitzo what can I do for you. And its no payment required since you graced me with the presence of these two artistic geniuses! And not to mention your hot daughter." He winked and mouthed 'call me' to Loona, who rolled her eyes in disgust.

"Daughter?" Ricky asked. The Slayer was also surprised. He figured Blitzo kept Loona as a pet or guard dog.

"I'll explain later, Ricky. As for what I request from you, HABIT. I need information on a target. You'll probably know h..."

"That deer skull dude that's been fucking over all the douchey overlords. Of course I know him! Do you know how many shitstains have come asking ol' HABIT about that guy? With no appointments to speak of? TOO MANY! In fact, porky over there showed up here uninvited asking questions about that very topic. The audacity. Not sure what his fatass expected to do against Vagabond. Maybe he was like an Uber Eats order or something."

HABIT turned and clicked a button on a remote resting on his desk. A hologram flashed to life that displayed a map of Pentagram City with a 3D model of the beast known as Vagabond materializing next to it. Several red dots with labels also appeared on the map of the city. All were areas where Vagabond had attacked. Each label had a corresponding location, time, date, and estimated death toll.

"But since you've done me such a favor today, I'm going to go all out with the info."

The Slayer nodded in approval at Blitzo, and the demon's eyes lit up.

"Well first off, tell me what you know and we can go from there."

Moxxie opened his mouth, but Blitzo quickly stepped in front of him and loudly proclaimed "Well I deduced, with a little help from my teammate Moxxie, that his attack patterns are a form of psychological warfare on the overlords and the variation also serves to better disguise his location, which is within the city."

"Hmm. Not bad. Perhaps you guys aren't totally hopeless. But you're missing a key piece of the puzzle. This being is ancient, far older than any demon in Hell. And yes that includes old Luci-boy. And what's a common thread between all ancient entities? They make deals. Deals that grant immense power to those who take them up. If he's got this many people gunning for him, and his hideout is still unknown. I guarantee you he's being hidden by someone powerful. Someone who gained their power from him and is now indebted to him. Look for the overlords he hasn't targeted or only caused a slight bit of damage to. Think Alastor, Rose, Velvet, that bitch with the long fingers whose name I can never remember. Ah Velvet, now that was a good lay... Anyway as I was saying, that is where you'll find his HQ."

"Glad we got a name for him now," Blitzo said, "Easier to label for the team's successful kills scrapbook."

"Well, he certainly doesn't go by it. His actual name would probably melt your brain or something. But I dread to see what the demons here would come to call him. I mean they gave Alastor the shitty alias of 'Radio Demon!' I still have no idea how he puts up with that. Poor bastard."

"Any tips on how to kill him?" Moxxie asked.

"You're gonna need some strong divine weaponry. Think what Slayer's got over there but a lot more of it. Luckily for you, there are some guys over in the Ninth Circle that just got their hands on some Exterminator weaponry after the last purge. Vox's boys I think. Once you get your hands on them, you're gonna want to aim for his joints rather than his head or body. Elbows, knees that type of thing. Anything to slow him down so you can line up a killing shot."

"Wait, hold up," Ricky interrupted "I've got an idea! What's the best way to get someone to slow down? Good dope. Look the regular Hell dope is strong as fuck. So if I can get my hands on the strongest strains here, I can make some dope that could put a whale in a coma!"

Moxxie and Blitzo both facepalmed and the Slayer stared at Ricky. HABIT, on the other hand, clapped his hands loudly together and pointed at Ricky. "That is probably the most retarded plan I've ever heard! But it just might work! Look, Lucifer keeps some marijuana plants in his personal garden. That will be the strongest shit you'll ever find, but it's also heavily guarded. Even more so than the divine weapons are."

"Not a problem," Ricky said as he beamed with pride after having his plan praised.

"That definitely is a problem," Moxxie groaned while rubbing his forehead. The Doom Slayer had to agree, there were quite a few problems with his "plan."

"Trust me if there's one thing I'm smarted in, it's dope and stealing. Stealing dope from the Devil is like God's mission for me. My old man would be so proud right now."

Blitzo removed his face from his hands, now wearing a cheerful expression. "You know what, Ricky? I agree! It's your kind of out-of-the-box thinking that we need here at I.M.P. Moxxie take notes!"

"I...nevermind." Moxxie looked defeated as Millie hugged him.

HABIT pointed his knife in Loona's direction. "Hey, hot stuff! How about you give me your phone number so I can text you the coordinates of the weapons and Lucifer's garden and the list of suspicious overlords. We can discuss other exchanges at your convenience of course."

Loona quirked her eyebrow at him and looked as if she was about to read something off her phone.

"You already have my number, HABIT. And since I'm the team leader and all, that info should be sent to me," Blitzo interjected. Sounding more than a little annoyed. The Slayer found this odd. The imp really did see the hellhound as his daughter. Implying that he adopted her at some point. Another uncharacteristically altruistic action for a demon.

"Fine, fine but before I send them there's one very important favor I need."

"What's that?" Blitzo said, sounding worried.

"Can you get a photo of the Doom Slayer, Ricky, and I?"


	8. Divvying up the Workforce

"Holy fuck, this is some good pepperoni," Ricky grumbled in contentment as he began his third stick which was a parting gift from HABIT, along with copious amounts of weed and booze. The Doom Slayer had also received a gift from the casino owner, a massive knife with a rune of two eyes intersecting with the eyeball in the middle carved into it. He had been reluctant to accept at first but had eventually given in upon being told it would be a valuable tool against the Vagabond.

"Yo, pass me one," Loona said as she stared hungrily at the pepperoni.

Ricky waved his half-eaten pepperoni as a wide grin formed on his face. "Sure, but you're gonna have to roll over if you want a treat."

Without a word, Loona kicked Ricky straight in the crotch. The blow from her powerful legs was so brutal it caused Blitzo and Moxxie to wince and cover their own genitals in empathetic pain.

"FUCKING ASSHOLE!" Ricky screamed as he doubled over in pain, dropping his pepperoni in the process. Loona nonchalantly reached down and picked one stick up. The hellhound tossed it into her mouth and swallowed it in one gulp.

"Yeah, that is pretty good." Ricky could only give a pathetic whine in response.

The group was currently in one of the two hotel rooms they had stayed in overnight after the visit to the Purple Rabbit, Blitzo's room to be exact. He had stayed the night with Loona and Ricky while the two lovebirds had to bunk up with the Doom Slayer. Millie seemed happy with the arrangement, but Moxxie had been reluctant at first. However, this had changed when Moxxie found out that the Slayer apparently doesn't sleep. Instead, he simply left the room shortly after they entered it and returned shortly after they woke up, completely covered in blood. He then had handed Moxxie a piece of a sign that read "Rosie's Emporium", which was also covered in blood, and shook his head. Blitzo had crossed her off the list of overlord suspects after seeing the sign for himself.

Blitzo's roommates, on the other hand, had been less agreeable. He must've broken up at least five fights between Loona and Ricky throughout the night, mainly over who got the other bed and who slept on the couch. Ricky ended sleeping on the couch after challenging Loona to a wrestling match and losing in less than five seconds. He then decided to maturely make amends by farting in her face as she slept. Which led to Blitzo being rudely awakened in the middle of the night to Loona attempting to break through the bathroom door after Ricky locked himself in to escape her wrath.

Now Blitzo was planning out how to go about the day with his team. There were two main objectives they had right now: acquire the divine weaponry and Lucifer's weed for Ricky's frankly ingenious chemical warfare idea. The group was pressed for time, even though their target was extremely powerful, as there were still a lot of powerful demons trying to kill him and claim the lucrative bounty. Certainly none as good as I.M.P and Associates, but the sheer amount of competition meant they should split up to cover the most ground. Two teams of three were the obvious number. The real question here was how to divide the teams.

He glanced over at the Slayer, who hadn't looked up from the double-barreled shotgun that he was in the middle of inspecting through the entire confrontation between Ricky and Loona. The rest of his weapons were laid out on the table he was sitting at, no doubt soon to be inspected as well. Blitzo was surprised at the sheer number he was able to hide in the compartments of his suit. Moxxie and Millie also took notice of the Slayer's impressive arsenal and approached him, eyes wide with glee at the sight of so many killing tools.

"You got some amazing weapons there. An actual directed energy pistol! That's been on my wishlist for years!" Moxxie said with childlike giddiness.

"And look at that retractable wrist blade, Mox! I've always wanted to impale some fucker's skull with one of those!"

The Slayer looked up from his shotgun and stared at the two. Slowly turning his head to look at both of them in his usual intense silence.

Moxxie gulped and took a step back, but Millie's eyes shined even brighter upon catching his attention.

"Why haven't you ever used them since you've been working with us? I'm dying to see those beauties in action!"

The Doom Slayer stared for a few more seconds before rising from his chair, shotgun in hand, and walking towards the sliding glass door that led out to the room's balcony. Stepping over Ricky as he did, who was still lying on the floor cradling his groin and munching a piece of pepperoni that had fallen next to his mouth. Upon reaching the door and pulling it open, he turned and waved his hand at the two imps. Millie happily bounded towards the door with Moxxie not far behind, his face a confusing mix of apprehension and excitement. Blitzo also decided to follow while still ruminating on their assassination plans. For her part, Loona remained in her bed, scrolling through her phone. The hellhound likely hadn't even noticed the conversation.

The blood-red cityscape of Pentagram City filled the four's vision as they stepped out onto the 10th story balcony. The metropolis stretched on to the horizon with multicolored lights advertising sex, drugs, and other vices pulsing against the omnipresent reddish glow. All manner of demons flew in the air past and above them, and in the distance, a massive zeppelin cruised across the skyline. The Slayer pointed at one of these flying demons, a round blob with a single green eye and a toothy maw flying surprisingly fast, given its inefficient shape, on a pair of massive bat wings. The imps looked on in excitement as he raised his shotgun and pulled the trigger in one quick motion. A thunderous boom so loud Blitzo could feel his bones and organs vibrating sounded, and the demon exploded in midair. Bone fragments and gore sprayed in all directions and descended to the streets below. Showering several demon pedestrians in body parts.

Millie clapped ecstatically and gave a shout of approval. Moxxie and Blitzo also clapped in appreciation of the deadly demonstration.

"That's awesome! And they stay dead too?" Moxxie asked.

The Slayer nodded.

"Satan please let there be some Exterminator shotguns at the armory."

"OH OH GET THAT ONE!" Millie pointed to a snake demon slithering through the air. The Slayer obliged and blasted the demon in two. Blitzo caught the surprised expression permanently plastered on its decapitated head and let out a hearty laugh. Then it clicked in his head. How to divvy up the team was obvious. The Slayer seemed to get along with the couple pretty well, especially considering he was the greatest genocider of demons to ever exist. All three had a love for violence and were good at carrying it out, so they'd be perfect to infiltrate the armory. The Slayer's strength and seemingly endless suit compartments would also allow them to get the most equipment possible. Leaving Blitzo, Ricky, and Loona for the Great Weed Heist, a name he just coined. A job that was well suited for two very theatrically talented men. And it would also allow him some bonding time with his beloved daughter Loona. Blitzo face split in a self-satisfied grin. No wonder he was the boss of this operation! These well-intentioned fools would surely be lost without him!

"I've got an idea!" Moxxie darted back into the hotel room and returned with his weapons case. The imp pulled out two Benelli M4s with folding stocks and handed one to his wife, who graciously accepted. He then pointed to a flock of dracos, small reptilian creatures that were the closest thing Hell had to birds. "Alright, first one to ten wins. "

"Sounds good to me!"

The three raised their shotguns and aimed at the oncoming flock. Soon the air was filled with the sounds of gunshots and explosions as flying demons were blown to pieces. The Slayer was the first to stop firing, followed by Moxxie, then Millie.

"Fuck! Well, I'm more for close-range weapons kinda gal anyway." Millie said with a shrug.

"You did fine, honey," Moxxie reassured her before turning to the Doom Slayer. "You're good no doubt, but next time I'll get you. Think I slept on my arm wrong, it was feeling kinda numb."

The Slayer waved his hand dismissively at the imp.

"Alright, you'll see. Round two you're getting your ass kicked."

The Slayer snapped his head in Moxxie's direction and took a step towards him.

The imp quickly raised his hands placatively and took a step back. "Uh, what I meant to say was hopefully next time I won't come in second. Although I doubt it cause you're the Doom Slayer and all." Moxxie punctated his frantic explantation with an audible gulp.

The Slayer turned and walked back into the hotel room and Moxxie let out a long exhale and wiped the sweat from his brow.

"He's such a kind soul!" Millie exclaimed, still beaming from the carnage she'd caused in the last few minutes.

"Y-yeah I guess."

Blitzo couldn't contain his smile the entire time as he watched Moxxie squirm in fear. His employee noticed this and asked with an angry tone "What exactly is so funny?'

"Nothing, nothing at all!" Blitzo said as he turned and walked into the hotel room, letting a few snickers escape his mouth as he did.

"As if you'd react any differently," Moxxie grumbled as he and Millie followed Blitzo inside and closed the door behind them.

Blitzo decided it was time to announce his plans now that the little skeet shooting competition was over and everyone was...mostly attentive. Ricky had regained most of his composure. He was now sitting on the couch, sippin' a bottle of Jack and watching some advertisement about a hotel with a rather obnoxious tune playing over it. Maybe after cashing in this bounty, he could get a job as an advertising consultant for dingy shitholes like that.

"What the fuck does 'Hazbin' mean? And why are they putting that smiling red dude in the commercial? He's one creepy looking dick."

The Slayer was also staring at the TV, and he cracked his knuckles menacingly when the Radio Demon that Ricky was talking about appeared on the screen.

"As a fellow appreciator of good advertising, I agree wholeheartedly Ricky. How I didn't notice your eye for theatrics before is beyond me."

"Man I need to shit, that gelapeno pepperoni is not sitting well."

"Do you mean jalapeño?" Moxxie asked quizzically.

"What's that?"

Blitzo decided to cut off the conversation that he already knew would go nowhere. "Well before you relieve yourself I have something to announce." Blitzo cleared his throat loudly to get everyone else's attention. He had to do a second, louder clearing to get Loona's attention.

"To cover the most ground today, I've decided to split I.M.P and Associates up into two groups of three. Millie, Moxxie, and the Doom Slayer will be acquiring the Exterminator weaponry, I'll give the coordinates to Moxxie. It's only half an hour away by taxi."

Millie smiled and waved excitedly at the Slayer. He stiffly waved back.

"Yeah that works," Moxxie said, then added with a smile "So I assume that means you got the brain trust of Loona and Ricky helping you out with the foolproof plan of stealing Lucifer's weed?"

Blitzo chose to be the bigger demon here and ignore the sarcasm dripping in his voice. "Actually I have faith in our business partner and his plan, and I also think this will be valuable practice for Loona."

"Oh fuck no. The Littlest Asshole can take a hike with the Spaceman's group."

"We don't want her," the couple responded in unison.

"You all can kiss my ass. I don't want to go anywhere with you cock-munchers anyway. I'm the receptionist, let me stay here and scope out the Purple Rabbit for clues or some shit," Loona retorted while waving her middle finger around the room.

"Why don't you go get your radies shot, maybe you'd stop being such an asshole."

"Loona this job is all hands on deck, and unless you don't want a cut, you gotta pitch in," Blitzo said.

"Ugh fine," Loona jumped off the bed and walked over to the rest of the group. "And by the way Ricky, not that you're smart enough to understand, but its pronounced 'RABIES' retard."

"Hey Loona, knock knock."

"Who's there?" Loona rolled her eyes as she answered him.

"A dog asshole that dresses like wannabe rockstar dick at the mall and thinks acting like a bitch makes her look cool. Newscast, it doesn't. It just makes everyone hate you."

Loona's face quickly contorted in anger at the completely misused knock-knock joke but slowly morphed into something almost like solemn reflection.

"Alright, alright you two settle down. We've got work to do and you both need to be alive for it," Blitzo once again found himself splitting them up. The imp boss then turned to the other group. "As for you guys, you know what you to do, right? Meet back here tonight."

"Loud and clear, sir," Moxxie mock-saluted, causing Millie to giggle.

"Give me a break," Loona groaned.

"Be sure to keep Ricky's words in mind, Loona," Millie said and winked at the hellhound. She turned around as Loona flipped her off again, walking behind her husband. The Slayer rose from his chair, having returned all his weapons to their proper compartments and followed the couple. Just as the three reached for the door, a loud series of knocks sounded, causing Moxxie and Millie to jump. The Doom Slayer reacted in his usual way by aiming his shotgun at the door.

Blitzo walked to the door and motioned for Slayer to lower his weapon. "Who is i..."

He didn't even finish the question before the door burst open, knocking him back as a piece crashed into him. The Slayer caught him and placed him to the side before raising his weapon at the obviously hostile guests.

On the other side of the door stood none other than pimp overlord Valentino, who held a massive gold switchblade and smiled ferociously. Flanking him were five demon bodyguards, four were shark demons and the last one was a massive black hellhound with a heavily scarred face. All of them were wielding M4 carbines.

The Slayer looked like he was about to start blasting right there before Blitzo walked forward, still rubbing his forehead in pain and placed his hand in front of him. "I think you got the wrong guys here, Valentino."

"Hm let's see, three imps, a hellhound, a demon in full green body armor, and a fat human in a ratty mall cop outfit. Nah I'm pretty sure you're the idiots that have been fucking with me." Valentino said before storming into the hotel room with his men in tow. "Now usually I'd send my men to deal with this bullshit. Far too low level for a busy man like me. But, thanks to that bone-headed cocklick people seem to think ol' Val has gone soft. And we can't be having that now can we?"

"Honestly, we can't have a dick like you walking around making fun of people's looks when you're dressed like a fucking greasy circus clown either. Now can we?" Ricky replied with a customary flipping of the middle finger.

"Ricky, shut the fuck up!" Moxxie and Loona hissed.

"What was that, you outdated hairstyle trailer park trash mothafucka'?" Valentino said as he stomped towards Ricky while twirling his knife menacingly through his fingers.

Blitzo could almost commend Ricky's balls at mocking an overlord. If he didn't know that it was completely due to the fact that Ricky never truly grasped the depth of any situation.

"Are you deaf or something? Well, actually I guess you might be because I don't see your ears anywhere."

"That's it. I'm gonna carve your primate ass like a Krampmas turkey."

"What the fuck are you even saying, you heart glasses-wearing dick?"

Valentino sliced at Ricky with lightning speed, aiming for his midsection to disembowel him. Or at least that was probably his plan until his arm was stopped mid-swing by a massive armored hand. Valentino snapped his head around so fast the sound of a multitude of bones cracking filled the room. He glared at the Doom Slayer and attempted to jerk his hand free from his grip. It didn't budge.

"Oh, so you want some too you green bi..." The Slayer drew his other hand back and slapped the overlord so hard even his bodyguards winced. Valentino flew off clear his feet and all the way out the hotel door, crashing into the hallway wall. A shower of plaster rained down on him as the wall cracked from the impact. Blood trickled from his nose and mouth, and he looked completely shellshocked. As did his men.

"Holy fuck, you just pimp slapped the overlord of pimps!" Loona shouted, eyes wide with sadistic amazement.

Shaking his head and regaining most of his composure, Valentino yelled, "KILL THEM, YOU FUCKING IDIOTS!"

The Slayer tossed Ricky his directed energy pistol just as Valentino's men snapped out of their daze after seeing their boss be so utterly humiliated and raised their weapons. As they engaged I.M.P., Valentino took the opportunity to dart away.

Bullets bounced harmlessly off the Slayer as he barreled towards the nearest shark demon and stabbed his gauntlet blade through the demon's head. He wheeled around to face the next shark demon, only for Millie's ax to stab into his neck. She quickly wrenched the ax free and kicked the demon's backward to block their gunfire. The Slayer looked back to see the rest of I.M.P kicking into gear.

Blitzo and Moxxie drew their respective guns and dove behind a bed. Firing on the demons as they did, who began to back out into the hallway, ax wound shark included. The Doom Slayer charged after them and kneed one of the remaining shark demons in the gut, grabbed his gun, and jammed it into his mouth. He pulled down on the trigger and filled the inside of the bodyguard's body with lead. Blood spurted out of his mouth in gushes, splashing across the Slayer's helmet, as his midsection was torn open from within by his own gun. When the trigger clicked and signified it was empty, the Hellwalker tossed the gun aside and let the body drop to the floor. He raised his boot and stomped down on the demon's head, reducing it to a pulp. He then turned to the ax-wounded demon and charged him.

Meanwhile, the other shark demon and the hellhound barreled back into the hotel room to go after easier targets. The black Hellhound went for Loona while the shark took on the imps. Ricky, for his part, was rolling on the floor holding his leg while yelling "Fuck I'm shot!"

Both bodyguards were riddled with bullet holes from I.M.P and had dropped their weapons after running out of ammo firing at the Slayer. A good thing for them since they were much more proficient at hand-to-hand combat. As they charged in, tanking even more gunfire, the shark demon punched Blitzo square in the face and sent him flying across the room. His vision was alight with stars, and he had to forlornly admit to himself that he wasn't nearly as accomplished at old fashioned hand-to-hand combat. The demon then whipped around and kicked Moxxie. Sending the small imp flying into a dresser and obliterating it. Millie roared ferociously at her husband being hurt and charged the demon. She ducked his follow-up kick and drove her ax into his knee. The demon screamed in pain and toppled over. She tried to pull the ax free, but the demon smacked her away as well, sending her flying like a ragdoll.

Loona hadn't fared well against her attacker either. The hellhound was much bigger than her and had no problem hurting his own kind. He barreled into her without hesitation and threw her to the ground. He then pinned her and dove straight for her throat, but she raked him across the face with her claws before he could reach his target. The hellhound yelped as blood poured down his face and into his one good eye."HOPE YOU ENJOY THE NEW SCARS, FUCKSTICK! YOU CAN'T GET MUCH UGLIER ANYWAY!" Loona screamed as she began clawing him all over attempting to free herself from his hold.

Her struggle was halted when he slammed his knee down hard into her stomach, knocking the wind out of her. The hellhound took the opportunity to sink his teeth into her still outstretched arm, eliciting a scream of pain from the female hellhound. He then began shaking his head back and forth like a wild animal, lacerating Loona's arm.

"Get the fuck off her!" Blitzo yelled, infuriated at the sight of his daughter being hurt, and fired his Benelli at the beast. The hellhound shrieked in pain as his midsection was pierced by the slug, dropping Loona in the process. The hellhound snarled and drew his sidearm, shooting Blitzo multiple times in the chest and sending him flying back into the wall. Loona roared in rage and used the distraction Blitzo created to get her legs in position. She then kicked out and threw the massive demon off her with her strong legs. She rose unsteadily to her feet, blood pouring from her ravaged arm. The hellhound jumped back to his feet as well and raised his sidearm, aiming right at Loona's head. Just as he was about to pull the trigger, his own head exploded after a blue flash of energy shot by Loona's head. The hellhound's body slumped limply to the ground. The shark demon was distracted by its compadre's surprising death long enough for Millie to lunge at him and stab a knife right between his eyes, sinking the blade deep until it struck brain matter.

Loona looked around to see where the shot that saved her came from, only to see Ricky mirroring her surprised expression and holding the directed energy pistol. Just then the Slayer barged into the room, guns blazing. Only to find the remaining bodyguards either dead or severely injured. The members of I.M.P and Ricky lied around the room injured and bleeding as well, gasping for air after the intense fight. The Slayer walked over to the shark demon Millie had stabbed and blasted him in the head, putting him down for good. He then turned to the hellhound's body and then looked over at Ricky, who still held the energy pistol. He gave the man a thumbs up.

"Did Valentino get away?" Blitzo wheezed as he rose to feet and walked over to Loona, cradling his bullet-ridden midsection. The Slayer nodded.

Blitzo sighed. "Are you okay, Loona?"

"Yeah, it'll heal. It's fine. What about you?"

"I'll live," he chuckled before gripping his midsection in pain.

Millie and Moxxie joined the other two, with Moxxie rubbing his head that was no doubt throbbing after slamming headfirst into a wooden dresser.

Ricky also rose to his feet and limped over to them. "Well unlike you guys with your bullshit Hell people superpowers, I'm not just gonna heal from this!"

"Don't worry. There are healers around here that can help us all out," Moxxie replied. "I can't believe we were so fucking stupid to forget about pissing off a goddamn overlord. Who is still alive by the way."

"Well you win some, you lose some. I'm just glad we got to see Valentino absolutely bitched over," Blitzo said with a laugh.

"While that was amusing, sir. He'll surely come back with more men and better weaponry. He underestimated us because we were imps. He won't make that mistake again."

"We'll also be prepared, Mox. But for now, we have to find healers to fix us up so we can keep our schedule."

"Couldn't agree more Millie. Now I know we're all messed up here but we need to get our equipment out of here now. We will set up shop in a more secretive place nearby."

"Fuck, alright let's go," Moxxie said as he reached down and picked up his gun. The Doom Slayer picked up the gun case and Millie's ax, which was still embedded in the shark demon's knee and handed them to the imp couple.

Ricky limped forward and attempted to retrieve Blitzo's flintlock, only to fall over in pain. However, before he hit the ground Loona caught him and wrapped his arm around her shoulder. She then walked him over to a chair and sat him down. Ricky looked up at her in confusion at this uncharacteristic kindness.

Loona rubbed her neck awkwardly as she looked at Ricky. "Hey, Ricky?"

"What? Did I shit myself?" Ricky asked. Eyes widening in fear as he attempted to inspect his ass.

"No, no I just wanted to say..." she paused, looking physically pained by what she was about to tell him. "Thank you."


	9. The Devil seems like a pretty chill guy

Ricky took another drag off his cigarette as he looked around the new place Blitzo had set them up in. He knew the guy who owned it apparently and told them a shitton of times that it was a safe and discreet place to set up their headquarters. Ricky didn't know what discreet meant but he assumed it meant "looks like shit." The "new HQ" was a dark, cramped basement lit by a single light bulb dangling from the ceiling that Ricky would hardly call a room, and he lived in a car for fuck sakes. Its only furniture was a single wooden table, folding chair, and a tiny bed that looked greasier than the ones in prison. He smelled the air and winced at the gross piss stench that assaulted his nostrils.

"Blitzo, what in the fuck is this shit? It smells like the Devil's asshole in here."

"Oh come on it isn't that bad. Plus we don't really have room to be picky after YOU picked a fight with a fucking overlord!"

Ricky thought about that for a moment. Oh yeah, he had pissed off that Valentino dick. Although he still didn't see how it was his fault, the guy had started it in the first place.

"It's not my fault! He called me fat!"

"But you are fat," Loona stated matter-of-factly.

"Well sorry that I don't have an owner to take me on walks every day."

"Fuck off with the dog jokes, scrotum sucker."

"Well don't call me fat and maybe I won't bring up how you lick your own asshole." Ricky turned away from Loona before she could come up with another shitty insult and began talking to Blitzo again.

"Besides, we got some new clothes out of it. And I for one am loving this houndstooth shirt and track pants."

Everyone else scowled at him. They all wore a mix match of clothes they bought from a thrift store because their old ones were covered in bullet holes and blood. Also to hide their identities better or some shit Blitzo said. He didn't know how that made sense when they were being followed around by a giant spaceman in green armor. They had bought the clothes with stolen money from Valentino's dead bodyguards since they spent most of their cash on a healer. Well, actually it's not stealing if they're dead. Or double dead. Where do Hell people go when they die anyway? Super Hell? Must be some serious assholes down there.

"Ricky if you haven't noticed we look like fucking clowns right now," Moxxie said angrily, pointing to his mustard-colored polo shirt and ripped jeans.

"Hey, don't be dissing clowns! It's an art form few can truly master!" Blitzo shouted with a surprising amount of anger.

"Well yeah you look like a dick. But that's just because you don't know how to rock this style. I make thrift shopping look good."

"I'm not even gonna lie, you do," Millie added.

"Don't agree with him, Millie!" her husband shouted before pinching his forehead in frustration. "You know what, whatever! Let's just get down to business, already. How's everyone feeling after visiting the healer?"

"Good, chest is still a bit sore but nothing to hamper ol' Blitz!"

"Arm still hurts some but as I said before, I'll live."

"Speak for your shelves, my leg still hurts like a bitch. I thought you said they would fix me up?"

"Ricky, they did fix you. They got the bullet out, regenerated the flesh, and made it pretty much immune to infection. Stop being a baby, you can deal with a little pain," Moxxie said indignantly.

"And you can deal with sucking my cock!"

"Alright, so I take it everyone is feeling limber enough for their jobs?" Blitzo said.

There was a series of nods and agreements from everyone. The Spaceman loaded his shotgun for his answer.

Ricky still hadn't come up with a better name for him than Spaceman. He knew everyone called him "the Doom Slayer" for some fucking reason. He thought the name was stupid as fuck. How can you "slay doom?" It's a feeling. Like in the dictionary he was pretty sure it said "we're doomed" is just another way of saying "we're fucked." And you can't slay being fucked. He would have called them out on their dumbassery, but it was the Spaceman's name and not even he was stupid enough to make fun of that guy's name outside of his own brain compartments.

Blitzo climbed onto the rickety table and stood with his chest puffed out like an army dick. "Well, I'm sure I don't have to remind you of your assignments. But I'm going to anyway! Millie, Moxxie, and the Slayer are on weapon capturing duty. Loona, Ricky, and I will head over to Devil's garden to acquire his lettuce." He winked at everyone, who all just shot him looks of confusion (or disgust on Loona's part). "Get it? Devil's Lettuce. Marijuana."

Millie's eyes widened and she let out a hyena-like cackle at the shitty joke. She was the only one who did. Blitzo took a bow.

"Would you get on with it already for fuck sakes. I feel like I'm getting ass pestos standing around in here."

Blitzo stood back up and crossed his arms, glaring at Ricky. "Just trying to lighten the mood here. Guess I can go fuck myself then."

"I thought it was pretty funny."

"As most people with a room temperature IQ would," Loona responded with her usual dickishness.

"Say it again, you furry cunt," Millie snarled as she brandished her ax. Loona growled back and looked like she was about to pounce on the imp. Ricky couldn't help but laugh. Cunt was a funny ass word. He really needed to add it to his brain dictionary.

A loud crash sounded behind them and caused everyone to jump. Ricky dropped his cigarette, and Blitzo fell off the table. The demon popped up on the other side with his old-timey pirate pistol pointed at where the sound had come from. They all whirled around and saw that the Spaceman had punched a big ass hole into the wall and was staring at them. Ricky couldn't see his face through the space helmet but he knew the dude was pissed off. Spaceman slowly removed his hand from the wall, still glaring at them.

Blitzo quickly holstered his gun and dusted his clothes off. He looked scared as hell. "Uh yeah, so I agree with the Slayer here. Time is of the essence, people!"

Ricky picked his cigarette back off the ground, annoyed at Blitzo's constant use of big book words. He'd talk to him about it once Spaceman was gone. That guy has some serious anger managing problems. Punching holes in walls and shit. Chronic NeedstoSmokeWeedtoStopBeinganAssholeitis.

Spaceman turned and began walking towards the door. Millie and Moxxie rushed to follow, carrying their weapons case behind them.

"You got the coordinates right, Moxxie?" Blitzo asked.

Moxxie gave a thumbs-up as he climbed the basement steps.

"Excellent, give me a call when the job's done and we'll rendezvous here."

Suddenly, Spaceman stopped halfway up the stairs and looked at Ricky. He then pulled out that cool ass laser pistol that Ricky had killed that dog asshole with earlier and tossed it to him. He nearly fell on his face as he scrambled to grab the gun, causing Loona to snicker. He managed to catch it though and was quite pleased with himself. He grinned triumphantly at the Littlest Asshole, but the smile dropped to a confused frown when she full-on laughed. "You look so happy about making that easy ass catch, it's so adorably pathetic!"

"Fuck off he must've been standing at least a thousand feet away just now!" he argumentated.

The Spaceman snapped his fingers, causing everyone to look at him. As usual, he didn't say anything, just pointed at Blitzo aggressively and then at Ricky. Blitzo looked confused at first but he seemed to get the meaning after a bit and nodded slowly. Ricky had no clue what these guys were doing. Spaceman was happy with it though apparently, as he turned around and walked up the stairs. The couple followed him up and out the basement door. Leaving Ricky with Big Words McTwiggy Alien and the Littlest Asshole. As Ricky looked down at the Spaceman's gun he thought of his friend Bubbles and how much he'd love it. He smiled. But then a sudden wave of sadness hit Ricky out of nowhere and caused his smile to drop. He realized how much he missed the boys. He missed Trin and Lucy. These Hell guys weren't all bad but they weren't his family. A family who was definitely missing him. Like they did when he was in jail. He really hadn't been the best father and friend to them. Ricky felt tears start welling in his eyes, but he angrily shunned them back by calling himself a pussy.

"Whatsa matter, Rick? Did you just realize that you have no idea what the fuck you're doing? Took you long enough," Loona laughed and tousled his hair, messing up his perfect pompadour. He angrily smacked her hand away and tried to recover his style.

"Not again you two, we got to get this show on the road!" Blitzo tried to intervene. He looked pretty tired as he did so.

"Loona I'm serious touch my hair again and you'll fucking regret it I promise ya," he said while getting up in the mutt's face. She was a little taller than him and she did look pretty intimidating up close with those big ass teeth and shit. But he still had to show her who was boss. No way was he getting pushed around anymore by some overgrown dog with tits!

She pushed him, nearly sending the man flying off his feet. "Oh and what exactly will you do? Challenge me to another wrestling match where I pin you in five seconds," she mocked with a devilish smirk plastered on her face.

Ricky didn't think. Anger surged in him, more than even he was used to, and he drew the only weapon he knew could hurt these Hell bastards and pointed it right at her face. "How about this huh? Yeah, not so big and tough now! Go ahead, say something smart again you mutt I fucking dare ya!" Loona backed away with raised hands, genuine shock and fear in her eyes upon seeing laser gun pointed at her face. She definitely remembered the damage it could do.

"WOAH WOAH, RICKY CALM DOWN!" Blitzo shouted as he rushed forward and placed a hand on Ricky's outstretched arm.

Ricky looked at Blitzo and then at Loona. What in the fuck was he doing? He slowly lowered his laser gun and shook his head in shock at how angry he had gotten. He looked back up at Loona. "Ah fuck man, I'm sorry. I'm just really stretched out right now. And I'll be honest with you guys, I really miss my family. I know I've been a shitty dad to my daughter also. Going in and out of jail all the time and shit. I just hope she doesn't think I abandoned them all forever this time."

Blitzo and Loona exchanged looks of genuine concern. Blitzo placed a hand on Ricky's shoulder. "Hey, I get it, Ricky. Trust me I have a daughter of my own. A family of my own actually. And I would do anything for them."

"Yeah Ricky, um I'm sorry I was being an asshole. I didn't know about your family and all. But just know that with this reward money, you can make it up to them ten thousandfold," Loona said as she tried to reassure him. Finishing her sentence with an awkwardly attempt at a smile.

Ricky nodded his head at that and smiled. "Yeah, fuckin' a-right we will!" He offered his hand for Blitzo to shake but got a hug from the twiggy alien instead. He looked at Loona, silently pleading for her to help him.

"Yeah sorry he's overly touchy at times," she said with a smile that was somewhere in the middle between the awkwardly one and the dickhead one. He liked it better than the other two.

"Nothing wrong with a little affection every now and again. You'd surely benefit from it, Loonie," Blitzo said as he broke off his hug with Ricky and walked towards Loona with open arms. Only to run into her hand as she kept him at arm's length.

"I'm good."

"Alright fine. They really do grow up so fast, don't they Ricky?"

"Way too fucking fast."

"So what's the plan for The Great Weed Heist? Costumes, explosives, getaway drivers, unexpected betrayal by teammates you considered your family?" Blitzo said, eyes shining bright as he stared at Ricky excitedly.

"What in the fuck are you talking about? This isn't a goddamn spy movie. It's way more simpler than that bullshit. Look this garden is located at the castle right?"

"Yeah, it's on the royal grounds. The garden is about a third of a mile to the right of the palace's main gate."

"Perfect. Government buildings are so easy to rob. The people there are so fucking stupid. You don't even need costumes or any of that. Maybe a clipboard but that's it. All you do is walk in acting like you're busy and got places to be, say you're sent by some Michael or John and start bossing them around. They always just do what you like. It'll be peach and cake"

"That sounds completely r..."

"AMAZING!" Blitzo interrupted his adoptive daughter. "A chance to practice my improv!"

"I'll be doing most of the talking though. You guys will just be my assistant movers because I'm pretty sure your types of Hell people are looked down upon here. So it makes sense you'd be doing shitty work like moving weed plants around. I'll also give you guys secret names when we get there."

"HELL YEAH CODENAMES!" Blitzo shouted.

"Blitzo, you're focusing on the wrong shit here. How does this plan make any sense at all?"

"Seems pretty reasonable to me. Trust me when I say he isn't wrong about the pompous idiots they hire over at the palace. Just have some faith in our esteemed business partner will ya?"

Ricky smiled at the praise as Loona facepalmed.

"Alright, first we'll need a car. Because there's no way I'm walking all that fucking way."

"Well about that. I know you said this would be nothing fancy and I get that. We'll be taking a regular ol' taxi to the palace but just in case things get hairy. I miiiiight have hired a getaway driver."

Loona sighed and rubbed her forehead in frustration. Ricky just quirked an eyebrow. He finished off his cigarette and let the butt drop to the floor. "I mean a getaway driver isn't too fancy I guess. Kinda fucking over the kill but it'll work."

"Blitzo, how much did it cost?"

"Nothing much. Just a five hundred upfront from those dead assholes."

"That's pretty much all the money we got from those bodies!"

"Trust me this guy is the best there is at what he does! He's practically famous. And you got to spend money to make money, Loonie. You'll realize that when you're running the family business," Blitzo said with the proud smile of a parent giving advice to their child.

Loona groaned but Ricky could honestly give a fuck less. They could easily make that money up when they kill that creepy bastard. Instead of worrying, he started rolling a joint to prepare for the heist. "So what's this guy going to be driving?"

"A grabber blue Boss 302 Mustang ."

"Nice!" Ricky exclaimed, already thinking about lighting up some of the Devil's weed in a sweet sports car.

"You should also know he is a very particular guy. These were his rules verbatim: 'You don't need to know the route. You give me a time and a place, I give you a five-minute window. Anything happens in that five minutes and I'm yours. No matter what. Anything happens a minute either side of that and you're on your own. Do you understand?"

It took them a bit to get a taxi, Hell people always seemed to be going somewhere in a big fucking rush. He didn't get it. Where the fuck could all the ugly bastards be going in such a hurry? He exhaled the smoke from his joint out the window as they cruised through the city streets. He had honestly never expected Hell to look like this. What had his father always said? "Fire and brimstone, Ricky. That what's waiting for you if you don't follow the good book buddy." Ricky didn't see any brimstone out there, whatever the fuck that was. But he did see a good bit of fire. Dumpster fires, a few house fires, some burning bodies in the streets here and there. Not as bad the city Blitzo and his gang were from by still pretty greasy. But there were also strip clubs, drug vending machines, chicken fingers, and booze everywhere. A couple of stupid fires couldn't outweight all that.

"Do you two like it here?"

"You mean Pentagram City or Hell itself?" Blitzo asked.

"Hell."

" Both Loona and I were born here so it's all we've ever known. What I can say is it does have its perks," the imp smiled and pointed out the window at a homeless man sitting on the street corner. Ricky was weirded out by that. "But overall it's..."

"Shitty," Loona finished for him. "It's a shitty place to live. I mean it's Hell what the fuck do you expect? Any friend you managed to make in this endless batch of dickheads can get slaughtered at any moment in some turf war or during the Extermination."

"What's the Extermination?"

"Every year heaven sends its army of angels called Exterminators to kill millions of us. To solve the overpopulation problem is what they say."

Ricky was totally caught off guard by that. "Holy fuck! I thought Heaven was the good guys!"

"Well, not down here," Loona said as she looked out the window. Both her and Blitzo had looks of sadness as they stared blankly ahead at nothing. Ricky felt bad about asking now. To try and make amends he offered his joint to Loona, she accepted and took a couple of hits before passing it to Blitzo.

"Fuck man that's heavy. The most we got to deal with is drunk trailer park supervisors and their fat shirtless assistants."

Blitzo and Loona both instantly snapped out of their sad reflection and looked at Ricky like he had just whipped his cock out.

"Yeah I know it's fucked."

"Is that where you want me to drop you off?" said the taxi driver as he pointed to the front gate of a massive palace up ahead.

"Holy shit is that where the Devil lives?" Ricky's eyes widened with amazement, he'd never seen a castle before. "Looks like the type of place you'd see in a Disney movie."

The two looked at the castle as well but didn't share Ricky's enthusiasm. Blitzo was the first to speak "Being the king of Hell has its perks. Like sitting pretty while the rest of scourge around in the streets."

"Well don't stress it guys. Cause we're about to get a taste of the good life ourselves." Ricky said with a smirk. The others couldn't help but smile too as they thought about stealing the Devil's weed.

"Go ahead in pull in right there." Blitzo pointed to a spot a little bit down from the entrance to the castle gardens. They could see two armored guards standing at the gate, wielding massive axes taller than Ricky was. He feels like he should've been worried since his last encounter with Hell peoples didn't go so well. But he was confident in his power to talk to these types of assholes. As the taxi pulled to a stop and Blitzo handed him the cash, Ricky noticed a clipboard sitting on the dash.

"Hey, taxi driver guy, how much for the clipboard and pen?"

The hawk-like demon with a goofy lookin' mohawk turned around and gave him a look of contempt. "The name is Travis Bickle and I'll take twenty for it."

"Twenty dollars? Oh for fuck sakes." Ricky groaned as he tossed a twenty at the dude. Who snatched it out of the air with the look of disgust still plastered on his face. He handed Ricky the clipboard. "The people of this city, absolute filth," he growled under his breath.

"Yeah cause you're a real looker too buddy," Blitzo snapped back. Travis Bickle just turned around and shook his head slowly in response.

With that bullshit settled, he decided to tell them the plan again in as much detail as he could. He'd gotten good at these summaries from working with Cory and Trevor so much.

"Alright remember you two fuckgoofs need to shut the fuck up and let me do the speaking. You're just my assistants, Corey Lahey and Randy Trevor. Got it!"

Blitzo nodded his head excitedly. Probably just happy about being able to act or something stupid like that. Loona nodded as well with her usual rolling of the eyes added in. Ricky rolled his eyes mockingly in return, and she curled her lips up in a silent growl. He flicked her snout then quickly dove out of the car before she could retaliate.

As they all exited the car with duffel bags in hand, Loona glaring at Ricky as she did so, he noticed a grabber blue Boss Mustang pulling up across the street. "That your guy, Blitzo?"

Blitzo checked his watch. "Yep, that's him and right on time too. Alright let's get moving, we're on the clock."

With that, the trio began walking confidently towards the gate. Ricky took the lead with Loona and Blitzo flanking him. He raised his clipboard began writing on it like he'd seen so many office pricks doing on TV shows. As they got closer, the guards took notice and began whispering to each other.

Ricky decided now was the time to start talking to get them to chill out. "Hey guys, no need to get all antsy here we're just the movers. I'm Jim Losco and these are my assistants Corey Lahey and Randy Trevor."

Two guards crossed their axes to block Ricky's path. They were huge up close. Easily seven feet tall and covered in black spiked armor. They glared down at Ricky, Blitzo, and Loona, but he wasn't scared. Government cockheads always did this shit. Tried to act all big and tough, this time they just had axes and guns. Although he had to admit it was creepy how long their gaze lingered on Loona.

"Movers for what exactly? Because there are no movers scheduled for the gardens today," the guard to the right growled in a deep voice.

"Weed. And yeah Lucifer called us on crazy short notice to move his weed to a more secure location, I mean look how we're fucking dressed. The car is even short notice, look its right over there." He pointed to the Mustang. "I'm sure you guys know how hectic it's been lately with that Vagabond dick running around killing everybody."

The guards noticeably relaxed and nodded at Ricky with the mention of their workplace troubles. Another thing these guys always jerked each other off about. "Yeah, we definitely get you there, Mr. Losco. But I still got to ask before we let you go about your business, who's employing a human for a moving job in Hell? Your kind isn't exactly common here."

"Oh I don't work in Hell, the job market here is so fucked. I work for the guys up top. John... Michael."

Their red eyes opened in shock when he mentioned the names. "You work for THE John and Michael?"

"Yeah, those two. Really cool dudes once you get to know them. Now sorry to rush you guys but my schedule is packed so I'd like to get moving so I can get on to my next client."

"Of course, right this way," they both said almost frantically as they raised their axes and opened the gates without touching them at all. A neat magic trick Ricky had to admit.

"Hey, you guys mind pointing out where the dope is in here. It seems like my specs were off about the size of the garden." He tapped his clipboard to make his point, even though the only thing on it was a picture he'd drawn of a rakin.

They both let out deep laughs. "It's the centerpiece, can't miss it!"

Ricky couldn't help but smile. The Devil seems like a pretty chill guy, he should smoke with him sometime. "Thanks again, guys. Get your asses moving Randy and Corey."

The garden was huge, and all manner of weird giant plants surrounded the group as they entered. Once the three were out of earshot, Blitzo whispered congratulations to Ricky. "That was absolutely superb, Ricky. I can see how you have your own TV show."

"Yeah I'll be honest I thought we were gonna be decapitated there," Loona added.

"Wasn't nothing guys. I told you, government buildings are the easiest places to rob." He froze when he saw what they came here for. And it was easily the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen in his entire lifes. Towering weed plants stood before him, they must have been ten feet tall easily. Fully mature and absolutely covered in the most glorious buds he'd ever seen. A single tear dropped from his eyes as he stood there in stunned silence. His reverence was interrupted by Loona snapping her fingers in front of his face. "You okay there?" She let out a laugh so high-pitched it was almost a giggle.

"Yeah just appreciating art. Now let's fill these bastards up!"

It took them a lot less time than Ricky thought and in less than two minutes they had filled all three duffel bags with the massive buds.

"Good job, boys. We'll pick em and get em in proper storage back at the base. But for now, let's just get the fuck out of here."

The other two nodded, grinning ear to ear at the sight of so much weed.

Ricky was honestly surprised with himself at how easy this was. Even he had expected some bullshit, but everything was going well. The guards waved as they walked through the gate, having no idea Ricky had just robbed their boss blind.

"Thanks again, guys. You two must be really good at your jobs. Look I'm not supposed to do this but here." He pulled a bud out and headed it to them. "Dry this and cure it, then you'll be alright."

The guards were practically beaming as they accepted the dope. The one on the left spoke up "No, thank you. Might have to get you working for me if you're going to bring this fine ass mutt around." The guard nonchalantly smacked Loona on the ass. Both her and Blitzo's faces contorted in rage, but they didn't say anything. Instead, they just continued looking down at the ground. As Ricky stared at the two he thought of his own daughter and what he would do. The answer was simple, especially since these were literally the Devil's workers.

"As a matter of fact, I have my card right here," Ricky replied with a casual smile. He reached into his pants pocket and gripped the laser pistol. Remembering how it worked from the last time he shot it, Ricky slowly squeezed on the trigger to charge it up. He could hear its dull hum as the guard leaned down and put his hand out to accept the card. Instead, he was met with the barrel of the laser pistol. His eyes widened in confusion before his entire face caved in and shot out the back of his skull when Ricky pulled the trigger. The body instantly dropped to the ground with a clang. Having never fired the gun standing up, Ricky also fell on his ass after being hit with the full force of the recoil.

"WHAT THE FUCK!" the other guard screamed as he raised his ax and tapped the side of his helmet. Alarms began blaring from all over the garden and palace. "Sector 12, Eden's Gate under attack by three assailants." Blitzo drew his gun and fired at the guard, only for him to easily deflect the bullet with a spin of his ax. For her part, Loona let out a hellish roar and lunged at the demon. Knocking him off his feet and sending him flying into the garden's massive steel fence. She grabbed his helmet and began slamming the guard's face repeatedly into the fence. The crack of bone and spurt of blood with each successive hit made Ricky wince as he scrambled to his feet.

"CALL ME MUTT AGAIN, ASSHOLE! CALL ME THAT ONE MORE FUCK-" her rant was abruptly ended when the guard slammed his elbow into her side. Loona fell off with a gasp of pain. The guard spun around lightning fast and kicked Loona in the stomach, sending her flying into the street. Before the tall dick could do anything else, another shot rang out and he dropped to his knees. It was Blitzo, who had somehow found a chink in the cockhead's armor and blown his kneecap out. Ricky wasted no time raising his laser gun to the side of his head and firing, making sure to properly brace himself beforehand. The guard's brains splattered all over the pavement like a hit in one of those old gangster movies.

Blitzo ran over to check up on Loona, who was rising unsteadily to her feet. Ricky grabbed his bag and hers off the ground and ran for the Mustang. He took a chance and glanced back to see legions of guards charging out of the palace's main gate and up through the garden itself. He swore he even saw some flying out of the palace's rooftops on giant bat wings.

"GUYS LET'S FUCKIN GO!" Ricky screamed as he dove into the car, quickly followed by Loona and Blitzo.

The Driver was a scorpion-like creature wearing a nice ass white satin jacket. His long tail was wrapped around the shifter while his shockingly human-like hands gripped the wheel. A strange electronic device sat in the cup holder next to him. Ricky could hear the voices of the guards over it as they spoke to each other. Despite the situation, the Driver looked completely calm as he peeled out of his parking spot. As he thundered down the street he tapped the watch strapped around the steering wheel. "Cutting it close," he said in a quiet monotone.

"Yeah, things got a little hairy out there if you didn't notice," Blitzo said as he looked out the rear windshield at the fast-approaching swarm.

"I noticed."

"You alright, Loona?" Ricky asked.

"I'm fine. Fucker kicked like a bitch." After answering, her gaze lingered on him for a bit. "You didn't have to do that, dumbass. You could've got us all killed there."

"I'm fine with it. Hope it hurt for those two fuckwits," Blitzo sneered.

Ricky got what she was saying but was also kind of pissed. He thought he was helping her out back there! "Well sure I didn't have too but I just thought how I'd feel if it were my daughter, and it pissed me the fuck off. I knew Blitzo wouldn't attack the asshole because he didn't have the Spaceman's gun. So I had to do it."

"That's the only reason you did it?"

"Yeah what fucking other reason would there be?" he replied with a raised eyebrow. She didn't answer and simply turned back to look out the rear window like Blitzo. The Driver took a sharp turn at an intersection and then drove into an alleyway. Then he stopped the car and began quietly listening to his weird-ass device.

The voices on it yammered on about keeping watch for a grabber blue Mustang. He could still hear the alarms in the distance. The Driver flipped a switch to the right of his steering wheel. Ricky has no clue what it did but he could hear the car start making a low pulsing noise. Behind them, a huge tank-like vehicle roared down the street. Following a "possible sighting on third avenue." Several of those bat things flew behind it, scanning the surrounding streets and alleyways. He swore one looked right at them, but it just kept on flying as if it didn't see anything. Fucking Hell people are so stupid. Ricky mimed jerking off and throwing his nut in the guard's direction.

When they were out of sight, the Driver started his car up again and continued down the alley. They entered another street and drove down it. The Driver made so many turns that Ricky lost count until finally entering a ramp on to the main highway. The voices on the radio kept squawking about blockading the streets surrounding the palace and getting some mages for a possible tactical illusionary concealment. Just more dumb government speak to make them sound smarter and more spacey than they actually were.

Loona and Blitzo finally relaxed and turned around. Letting out long sighs of relief as they melted back into their seats.

"Excellent work there, Driver. I knew you were the man for the job!" Blitzo beamed and made a point to look at Loona while mouthing 'I told you.'

"We're not out of the woods yet," he replied, pointing out the window at something.

They all looked and saw a swarm of the bat guards flying along the highway. Blitzo and Loona immediately tensed up again while Ricky began fantasizing about how good the weed was going to be.

"Command, this is Astaroth 7. Target spotted southbound on Hellway 66 camouflaged as a silver Chevrolet Impala. Moving to engage," a staticky voice buzzed over the device. Just as the sentence finished and the swarm dove towards their car, the Driver gunned it down the highway, flicking several switches with his tail to activate some sort of turbo boost. He effortlessly wove through the highway's traffic while his three passengers were knocked against their seats with the sudden acceleration.

"This is fucking awesome!" Ricky screamed over the sound of the engine roaring. "Hey, Loona want to stick your head out the window?" She elbowed him hard in the stomach.

As they left the guards in the dust, the Driver flicked off the switches and turned on the radio with his tail and took an exit. The radio began blaring something about a gladiator game off Exit 13. Ricky spotted a massive arena up ahead with spotlights waving every which way through the sky. They effortlessly glided into the arena's parking garage, and upon reaching a parking spot, the Driver immediately climbed out the car, took his jacket off, and put on a cap that read 'HAIL THE KINGS OF CARNAGE.'

They all quickly exited after him, grinning ear to ear.

"Thanks for the ride!" Blitzo called after the Driver. He gave a thumbs-up in return without turning around.

"That is one badass dude," the imp said with a dreamy look in his eyes.

"For once I have to give you props, Blitzo. You pulled through on that one."

"Fuckin A and look at all this dope! That Vaginabond prick won't stand a chance once I get to work on these bad boys! You guys are so much better than Cory and Trevor."

A series of excited high fives and attempted hugs on Blitzo's part were exchanged.

"Excellent work, everyone. Now I'll check up on how the Doom Slayer's group is doing," Blitzo said as he raised his phone to his ear.


	10. Fight the Demons and their Kin

The three stood atop a skyscraper on the border of Pentagram's City warehouse district, also known as the Ninth Circle, which overlooked Vox's armory. Moxxie and Millie used their sniper scopes while the Slayer used his helmet interface to zoom in on the facility and the soon to be dead bodies that patrolled it. The building itself resembled a typical military armory, a semicircle roof atop a large four-story steel structure, but it had Vox's TV insignia proudly displayed atop it rather than any country's flag. Surrounding it were thirty-foot tall concrete walls.

"Guard activity is up a lot. No doubt because of our target's actions," Moxxie observed. "If my memory serves me correctly, all the divine weaponry will be in an underground storage area beneath the main armory. We can access it through a large elevator in the center of the room but that will require a keycard."

"If your memory serves? What do you mean, babe?"

"Oh yeah sorry, guess I forgot to mention it. Decades ago, before I began working at I.M.P and met you, I worked at one of Vox's armories on the other side of the Ninth. No idea if it's still there now though. It's where I learned a lot about the killing and weapons game."

The Slayer once again found himself impressed by the small imp. While he was sure he eventually could have figured this out himself, having such a knowledgeable ally saved a lot of time in this hunt. He wondered why it was Blitzo and not this highly detail-orientated demon running their operation.

"Seems like it would be a well-paying job for an imp. Why'd quit, hon?"

Moxxie looked up from the scope with a dark expression shadowing his face. "It's a long story, and I'd rather not get into it here. Later, I promise." The look dropped as he turned and smiled at his wife. She nodded back understandably and returned his smile.

Moxxie looked back through his scope at the facility. "So this is what I'm thinking: Millie and I will sneak in, make our way to the divine weaponry holding area, find out what we're dealing with, and prevent them from locking it down by blowing up the elevator shaft or some shit. But to do all that, we'll need a distraction. A BIG distraction." He looked at the Slayer. "That's where you come in. Go in there and kill as many of them as you can and cause as much damage as you can. Anything to get them to focus their big guns on you and not us."

The Slayer nodded. Satisfied that he would finally able to have some true release since arriving in this strange Hell.

"Aw, but I want to butcher them too!" Millie whined with a distraught look on her face. Her eyes magnified in a puppy-like manner as she looked pleadingly at her husband.

Moxxie smiled affectionately. "Oh don't worry, Mils. You'll get to kill your fair share." He kissed her on the cheek and her pout quickly morphed into an adoring smile.

Moxxie was a lucky man. The Slayer only had faint memories of what love felt like. Faces and names had long since disappeared over the millenniums of endless carnage, but he figured she would have had a similar attitude towards killing.

"You see those turrets at the corners of the wall? Target those specifically, because, in a pinch, that's what's most likely to pin us down. Besides whatever divine fuckery they've got cooking up downstairs."

He scanned the turrets, large domed structures with a machine gun located inside on a 360-degree swivel. Once again, he nodded at Moxxie. With his directives set and his hunger for slaughter admittedly chomping at the bit, the Doom Slayer stepped onto the ledge and prepared to make the five-story drop to the pavement below.

"Wait! Before you commence with ripping and tearing, take this." Moxxie pulled a small black device out of his weapons case and handed it to him. "It's an earpiece. Just pop it in your ear and we'll be able to talk. Or uh we'll just relay info to you I guess." He smiled nervously as the Slayer approached him and took the earpiece from his hand.

The Hellwalker turned the device in his hand and examined it closely. Even though the imps had been nothing but helpful so far, he was still not going to implant a device given by them into his ear without scrutiny. He glanced up at Moxxie and shook the device. Catching on to his apprehension, Moxxie looked offended.

"Do you actually think we'd come this far just to attempt to kill you like this?" His voice was bordering on a yell as he stood up and pointed at the armored man.

Millie also rose to her feet and rubbed her husband's shoulders, attempting to calm him as she so often did. "Mox would you please calm down, he's just has a healthy dose of skepticism."

He did not like the imp's tone. The Slayer took a large step forward until he was only a few inches away and towering over the demon. A look of fear passed over Moxxie's face, as per the usual, but the Doom Slayer was surprised when he didn't back down. Instead, the little demon held his ground and returned the glare. They held each other's gaze for several long seconds. Nothing could be heard except the distant sounds of car horns and yelling from far below.

The imp had no idea, but he had greatly impressed the Slayer with his resolve, even though he was no doubt scared shitless. To acknowledge this, the Slayer nodded and reached up, gripping his helmet on either side. With a swift upward jerk, the locks disengaged and a hiss sounded as the air pressure within equalized with that of the outside. He removed his helmet.

Millie and Moxxie both gasped, eyes wide with a whole range of emotions he was not even going to attempt and decipher. He nonchalantly placed the earpiece in his ear. As he should have expected, nothing happened. The imps were still looking at him in awe, and he grew annoyed. The Slayer snapped his fingers and both of them nearly jumped out their skin before vigorously shaking their heads and blushing in embarrassment.

"Sorry, it's just so jarring seeing a human underneath that helmet," Moxxie said with another nervous chuckle.

"Would it be rude to ask where all the scars came from?"

Moxxie facepalmed. "Yes, Mils. Even if he would answer that, it's incredibly rude." She pouted again.

He didn't find it rude, but Moxxie was right about the second part. He wasn't going to answer. The Slayer put his helmet back on, stared out at the armory, and cracked his knuckles with malicious intent.

Moxxie pressed a finger to his earpiece. "Can you hear me?" Moxxie's voice buzzed in the Slayer's helmet.

"And moi?" Millie added with a giggle.

He gave a curt double thumbs up.

"Excellent. Now let's g..." the weapons expert stopped midsentence when the Slayer leaped off the rooftop without hesitation.

The Slayer listened to the wind whistling as he plummeted towards the ground. His landing crushed a demon pedestrian to paste and created a large crater in the sidewalk. A multitude of demons surrounding him to let out shouts of anger and fear. The Slayer ignored them and darted in the direction of the armory, leaping over passing cars with ease as he did. The armory was three blocks east of the skyscraper and he made it there in seconds, the pounding of his feet tearing gouges in the pavement as he charged. He rounded a corner and saw the wall standing before him, atop it a demon was searching the area he had come from through the scope of its rifle. It had no doubt heard the sound of the Slayer's landing.

The demon didn't notice his approach until he was nearly at the wall. Upon catching its attention, the demon turned and looked like it was about to shout. The Slayer reached back and opened one of his many suit compartments. Out of it, his heavy machine gun materialized. He whipped the gun towards the demon and felled it in a spray of lead, bisecting it at the middle. Alarms immediately began blaring with the sound of the gunshots. The nearest turret rotated to face the Slayer, but he was already at the wall by then. Before it could fire he gave another mighty leap, forming a crater once again, and cleared all thirty feet of the wall. As he sailed through the air, machine gun dicing approaching demons to bits in a baptism of lead, he caught sight of the turret's operator looking at him in fear. He smiled maniacally.

The Hellwalker landed right on said turret, crushing most of its protective dome. Reaching down and gripping the gun, he tore it out of its stand and slammed it down on its operator. Braining him with ease. Bullets bounced uselessly off his armor from the demons on the wall and a new swarm that was now exiting the main armory. Not having any use for the broken turret, he slung it full force at the crowd below. The weapon smashed into their ranks like a freight train, and the sound of pulverized bones and shrieks of pain filled the air.

"Hey I know you're busy but can you get that second turret and clear that side for us?' Moxxie asked almost apologetically. It was a good thing he had that same goal in mind. He bolted straight for the turret, running down the wall right in its line of fire. A legion of demons charged at him with axes, swords, knives, and all manner of weaponry. One swift cat-like demon dual-wielding machetes swiped at him. He parried the first blade with his own retractable one, knocking the demon off balance. Taking advantage of its imbalance, he stabbed right into its neck and slashed outward. The demon's head lolled the side, now only attached by a string of flesh, and it fell backward off the wall.

Out of the corner of his eye, the Slayer noticed the second turret line up a shot right down the wall, having deemed the livelihood of the demons in its path not worth allowing the Slayer to keep killing. Just as he predicted. When it opened fire the Slayer lept upward, putting his heavy machine gun away and materializing a rocket launcher. The supersonic volley of lead turned the demons below into mincemeat. As the turret attempted to readjust its aim fast enough to meet the Slayer midair, he fired the rocket. It shot right into the turret's opening and incinerated everything inside in a massive fireball.

"BADASS!" Millie shout of excitement filled his helmet.

"Holy shit! That was...a lot quicker than I expected. Okay, we're making our approach."

He glanced back and saw the imps bounding towards the wall with Moxxie wielding a grappling hook. The Doom Slayer turned and surveyed the wall. Nothing but blood and dismembered body parts. A bullet pinged off his helmet and reminded him of the demons below. He dove right into the thick of the horde.

* * *

Moxxie and Millie ran towards the now unguarded wall, still in awe at the destruction the Slayer unleashed in the span of seconds. And was still unleashing if the sound of gunshots and screams from within the facility were any indication. Upon reaching the foot of the wall, Moxxie raised his grappling hook and fired. The hook sailed through the night sky and latched onto the parapet above. He gave the rope sharp tug and, when it was pulled taut, the imp nodded to his wife, and they began ascending. As they scaled the wall, Moxxie braced for a demon to pop over the side of the wall and begin firing at them after noticing the hook. He remembered quite vividly how brutal Vox's mercenaries could be. The attack never came; however, and they managed to successfully enter the facility.

Moxxie looked down both sides of the wall and saw nothing but piles of dead bodies, viscera, and blood. He was equal parts scared and amped up by the sight. This is the work of the guy he just stood up to. "I'm so glad he's on our side."

"You can say that again." Millie didn't look nearly as bothered by what surrounded her. But then again, she seemed to have taken a liking to the Slayer, as she usually does with people who create lots of death and bloodshed. It's how the two of them fell for each other after all. He smiled fondly at the memory before quickly shaking his head to refocus. This is not the place for one's mind to wander.

" Okay first thing's first. We need to get out of these stupid outfits and into their uniforms." Moxxie surveyed the dead bodies around but failed to find any uniform that was little more than shreds. "Not much to work with here though." He nudged a disembodied arm with his boot.

"Oh Mox, even on the job you're trying to get me out of my clothes. How naughty." Millie smirked and stroked her husband's face with her whip-like tail. Moxxie couldn't help but blush. Being surrounded by butchered bodies tended to get his wife in a frisky mood, and he was tempted to take her right there and then. That was until a massive explosion sounded from the other side of the wall. Oh yeah, they were working alongside an incredibly powerful demon-slaying ancient warrior who he highly doubted would be pleased to find the imps shagging on the job.

"Something else that'll have to hold off till later," he said with a wink. "But for now, let's get some uniforms from a mostly intact source."

The two peeked over the wall and into the inside of the facilities' walls. Innumerable corpses lied down there too but among them, Moxxie spotted a few living demons either rushing to the sounds of the Slayer's rampage or pulling themselves and their injured allies to cover. He pointed out two of the latter demons, diminutive goblin-like demons hiding behind a supply crate, to his wife. They nodded and darted down the staircase that led into the facility.

The goblins didn't notice the imps' approach as they stared over the supply crate. The imps slinked over across the ground as silent as jungle cats on the hunt, buck knife, and ax in hand. The two had opted for the more silent melee weapons during their infiltration. The only guns they had on them were pistols, as they left their heavier armaments in a secure location during their initial approach to the armory.

The couple looked around to see if there were any witnesses. Finding none, they grabbed each goblin from behind, covered their mouths, and slashed their necks with their respective blades. They quickly stripped down, tossing their now bloodied thrift store clothes aside and donned the dark blue uniforms with Vox's insignia. Moxxie pulled a keycard out of the uniform pocket and analyzed it. The demons had been level three personnel. Two grades lower than Moxxie had been and nowhere near the clearance level required to access the divine weaponry storage.

He surveyed the area again for any guards hiding in wait and then turned to fill his wife in on the plan.

"We are going to need higher clearance for the lower levels. I remember most of the protocols from when I worked here so just follow my lead and don't say anything. They surely changed some things up since I worked here but right now things are hectic enough that I can make do. Understand?"

She gave a quick nod.

Deciding he needed to inform the Slayer as well, he pressed his finger to the earpiece. "Millie and I are currently wearing Vox's uniforms so if you see two imps running into the armory, try not an obliterate them please." No response. He sighed. They would just have to hope he had gotten the message not to brutally eviscerate them on sight.

The imps sheathed their blades, drew their pistols, and darted for the armory's entrance. As they left the cover of the supply crate, the imps glimpsed the Slayer up to his neck in demons. He held a valkyrie demon by the throat while mowing down the crowd with his double-barreled shotgun that he was firing with one hand. The Doom Slayer caught sight of them and raised his gun. Moxxie gasped and prepared to push Millie out of the way, but the following spray of lead sailed past him. Instead, they found their targets in a few demons shooting at the Slayer from the main door. With their deaths, a path was cleared and the two wasted no time running inside.

The massive interior was lit by the flashing red lights of alarms. Hundreds of demons ran all around them from ground floor to the very top of the walkways and staircases crisscrossing the upper levels, moving in squads to posts where the could try and get a clear shot on their facility's invader. Several of them were screaming into phones requesting reinforcements. Nobody even spared the imps a glance, but they were still running on limited time. The arrival of reinforcements, especailly from Vox's main headquarters, could spell disaster for the operation. He heard stories of those guys and they were some serious heavy hitters.

It didn't take long for Moxxie to spot the elevator. It had several heavily armed guards standing in front of it, frantically talking into their earpieces. No doubt informing those below about the situation outside.

Millie tapped him on the shoulder and pointed to a demon lying unconscious on the floor being tended to by a medic. At first, he didn't get what she meant but then he noticed the impressive armor he was wearing. It was identical to the operational commander armor from back when he worked for Vox. He gave his wife a smile and a nod at the good find. A plan quickly began formulating itself as they swiftly approached the fallen commander.

"Hey medic, order just came down from the higher-ups. All operational commanders are to be relocated downstairs until reinforcements arrive." Moxxie spoke, putting on the commanding tone from memory."

The medic, a gray-skinned rodent humanoid with severe features, looked up and gave the two imps a look of disgust. "Since when do imps order me around. I'm level ten. Your kind is restricted to level five at best," the medic snapped.

He had to repress his boiling rage at being talked down to for being an imp. Some things never change. "As I said, the orders aren't coming from us. So unless you want to defy the head honchos, I'd suggest you listen."

"Who the fuck at the head office would have their orders relayed through some lowly fucking fay?"

Millie visibly bristled at the slur and he gave her a sidelong glance to make it clear they needed to stay calm here. She gave a slight nod of understanding but remained tense.

"Nephilim gave the order. Encryption signature: PGPXR8508. The chain of command is all types of fucked up right now if you haven't noticed. Now unless you want to defy Vox's second in command, I'd suggest you shut up and follow the damn order." Another explosion from outside punctuated the sentence.

The medic glared at them. "Whatever, help me move him."

Moxxie had to suppress his surprise as he leaned down to assist the medic in carrying the officer. He figured Vox would've updated his company's key encryptions in the last few decades. Although it was quite possible that he had and the medic was just an idiot.

As the trio approached the elevator, Moxxie managed to pick up the guards' conversations. The guards stood in front of a large console with all manner of switches and butts on it. They all looked terrified. Which was odd since they were specifically trained for attacks like this. Well maybe not an attack of this magnitude but still.

"No way it's actually him. Is it?"

"Who the fuck else would it be! Vox planned for this, just activate the alarm. It's our only chance now."

The guard hovered his hand over a black button with a strange red inscription on it. Wiping the sweat from his forehead, the demon pressed down on the button.

A mechanical female voice blared from speakers all around the armory, drowning out all other sounds, even that of the massacre outside.

"WARNING: THE SLAYER HAS ENTERED THE FACILITY. MORNINGSTAR CONTINGENCY NOW IN EFFECT."

Moxxie had heard about that contingency, always in hushed whispers. Something big and very dangerous that Vox was working on himself. While he didn't know the nature of it, Moxxie still felt a cold spike of fear drive itself into his gut. Despite this, he managed to keep his outward appearance neutral as they reached the elevator. The guards looked up at them in confusion, but before any of them spoke the medic displayed his clearance level. "Word came down from up top. Got to move all high-level officials downstairs until reinforcements arrive. The fays are with me."

The guards nodded, not even bothering to acknowledge the imps. "Head straight for the bunker past the testing area. You don't want to be in the open now that Morningstar is activated."

The medic gave an understanding nod. "What's the ETA for the prototype?"

"Nine minutes."

"Even with the portals?"

"Portals have been down for a while. Vox doesn't want easy access to his main base."

"Fuck, alright let's go," the medic gave an exasperated sigh. The guard pushed a keycard into a slot embedded in the elevator. Its doors slid open and the group quickly funneled in. The medic clicked the button for the lowest floor and the elevator jolted as they began their descent. Millie made a point to stare at him long enough to gain his attention. Their eyes met and she shifted them in the medic's direction. Her intent clear. He raised his hand as discreetly as possible, telling her to stave off her bloodlust for now. Getting the message, she looked straight ahead.

The elevator doors opened and the medic wasted no time exiting, leaving most of the dead weight of the commander on his imp "assistants." If someone were to tell Moxxie decades ago that this was how he would end up getting access to one of Vox's most secure facilities, he would've laughed in their face. But here he was, walking down the stark white corridors lit by harsh fluorescent lights. A sign hanging from the ceiling gave directions to the different areas of this level. Both the divine weapon holding chamber and the bunker were denoted with an arrow pointing straight ahead.

It was obvious when they reached the holding area, as its entrance was a massive solid steel door and a control panel with 'Level 11 or higher personnel only" displayed prominently. To the left of the door was a large window made of incredibly thick glass. Inside three of Vox's men were arming themselves with some more heavy-hitting weaponry. Moxxie also saw exactly what they came for. Not the plethora of spears, swords, guns, and other weaponry lining the walls, but the small metal cubes suspended by some form of electromagnetism that prevented them from touching anything. Aetherium, the most powerful metal in existence. He was so enthralled by the sight he nearly dropped the commander.

"Take a good look, imps. Your breaking new ground for your kind. Even the janitors down are at least level six." the medic said, turning his head to sneer at them. His comment broke Moxxie's trance and reminded him that they had to kill this slimy son of a bitch. Noticing a bathroom to his left, the only place here where there were no cameras, he tapped Millie's foot and drew her attention to it. She smiled hungrily.

Simultaneously, both imps moved towards the bathroom, nearly knocking the medic off balance. He snapped his head around, eyes wide with fury.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

"Quick pitstop," Moxxie said, unable to hide his smug smile as he kicked open the bathroom door, and carried the commander inside. Giving a quick once-over, he saw no one inside. Everyone essential must've made it into the bunker.

The medic placed the part of the commander he was carrying carefully on the ground before drawing a knife. "Stupid fucking imps. Can't wait to car..." his threat was cut off by Millie dropping the commander as well and slamming her ax right into the smug prick's knee with lightning speed. The demon's eyes bulged and he dropped his knife, falling to the ground. Before he could get over the shock and scream, Moxxie covered his mouth and placed his knife against his throat. Without a word, he slid the blade across the demon's neck. The medic's eyes rolled back into his head as a river of blood flowed from the gash and drenched Moxxie's hands. He let the now unconscious demon collapse to the ground. Millie finished the job by slamming her ax down on his neck, decapitating him. She spat on the head and kicked it across the bathroom. He smiled adoringly at her.

Millie smiled back and pressed the button on her earpiece. "We've reached the lower level with the angel weapons. Join us as quickly as you can, dear. Reinforcements are arriving in..." she checked her phone "about five minutes."

He gave her a thumbs up for her excellent explanation then snaked his tail over to the still unconscious commander and pulled the level sixteen keycard from his pocket.

* * *

He was in the middle of flattening a demon's skull with his boot when Millie called and informed him that they had reached the angelic weaponry. He noted their impressive progress as he fired his plasma rifle at a crowd of demons on a walkway above, carving chunks out of their bodies until they were reduced to piles of flesh. He braced for the next barrage of gunfire or swarm of demons but was confused when nothing came. The Doom Slayer glanced around and saw not a single living demon, or at least any living one that could still stand. Heaps of dead and dismembered demons carpeted the floor of the armory in many places, and blood and viscera dripped from the walkways and platforms above. He was disappointed at how fast he'd torn through them. These demons were quite a bit physically weaker than the ones he was used to.

His disappointment vanished when he remembered the weapons waiting below. He darted for the elevator, eager to add some new weaponry to his inventory. However, before he could pry the doors open, they slid open by themselves, revealing a trio of gray-armored demons. One massive demon that reminded him of a mancubus stood in the center wielding a Gatling gun, to its left was a tall, lanky demon dual-wielding swords, and to its right was a demon that was intermediate in size between the other two and held a futuristic-looking rifle similar to his own plasma rifle. He almost dove right into them without hesitation, just three more bodies to add to the body count that was surely in the hundreds now. But then he noticed the strange glimmer rising from the armor, the type of glow only found in angelic armor and weaponry.

The Slayer kicked off the ground just as the mancubus opened fire with his massive gun. The barrage obliterated the part of armory's wall that was directly behind where the Doom Slayer had stood. He returned fire at the demons with his plasma rifle, the shots only caused the ogre's armor to glow purple momentarily. He would need heavier firepower to breach its armor.

Suddenly, a flash of smoke materialized in front of him on the walkway and out of it jumped the lanky demon swift as a gunshot, spinning acrobatically through the air as it charged him. It could teleport. That's new. The Slayer's blade shot out of its gauntlet and parried the demon's first swing. It wasn't thrown off balance as he expected though. Instead, it spun like a top and slashed at his neck, narrowly missing as the Slayer leaned back and followed with a kick that connected hard with the demon's chest. It flew down the walkway but still managed to land on its feet. The Slayer drew his heavy machine gun when a fiery explosion slammed into his shoulder and nearly tossed him over the railing. The plasma rifle demon had managed to tag him. Finally a bit of a challenge.

He reciprocated the plasma demon's attack with a flurry of lead from his machine gun. The demon dove for cover behind a support beam but not fast enough to avoid a couple of shots finding their mark in his leg and arm. The Slayer charged the teleporting demon, mainly to avoid the mancubus' fire which destroyed parts of the platform behind him, as he knew it would just teleport away when he got within slaying distance. Sure enough, it vanished in a cloud of smoke before he could reach it.

He felt the knife slicing through the air behind him, aiming for his neck. It was fast. He was faster. The Hellwalker grabbed its arm and slammed it down on his armored shoulder, snapping it at the elbow. The demon didn't have much time to ruminate on its pain before being kicked back into the gunfire of its obese compatriot and was succinctly diced to pieces.

Jumping over the railing, he fired his rocket launcher in midair at the mancubus, knocking the slow-moving demon back and interrupting its barrage. He smashed into the floor of the armory and charged straight for the plasma rifle demon, pinning it down behind the beam with ceaseless machine gun fire. It attempted to make a run for it but the Slayer was on the demon too quickly. He smacked the gun out of its hand, swept its legs out, and fired point-blank at its face until the armor of its helmet cracked and its skull was ventilated.

The mancubus rose unsteadily back to its feet with a massive hole opened up in its breastplate that revealed scorched flesh underneath. Wasting no time, the Slayer scaled its back and tugged at its helmet. The first pull rent through the angelic metal and pulled it off partially. The mancubus let out a thunderous roar and swiped at him with one club-like hand. He viciously headbutted the hand, shattering it. Before the beast could find another way to shake him off, he tugged again and ripped the top part of its helmet off, revealing a hideous cyclops face with a gaping maw of jagged yellow teeth. Calling this thing a mancubus had been accurate after all. He enjoyed the familiarity of the demon as he stomped on its lower jaw, unhinging it and giving him enough space to drop a primed grenade down its gullet. He quickly backflipped off the monstrosity and watched with pleasure as its insides imploded. A look of fear and pain was permanently etched on its face as the mancubus keeled over and vomited up its charred organs.

The Slayer smiled with satisfaction before entering the elevator and casually pressing the button for the lowest floor. When the ding indicated he reached the bottom, he pried the doors open and barreled down the hall. Nearly flattening Millie and Moxxie as they exited a room with two large metal boxes in tow.

"Oh hi, fancy seeing you here Mr. Slayer!" Millie greeted him with her usual enthusiastic wave. After killing so many demons, he felt happy too and returned it. He was still working on getting it to look more natural.

"Oh, you got hit! Poor thing." She pointed to his shoulder with a look of concern, he turned and that a piece of armor around his shoulder was missing and he was bleeding where the blast had reached his skin. He turned to her and shrugged. It would take a lot more than that to get him to feel pain.

"Whatsup du..." Caught up in trying to greet him, Moxxie tripped over the box and faceplanted. The imp quickly popped back to his feet, face an even brighter red than usual. "Thank god Loona was here to see that. Or Ricky for that matter. Anyway, we got the aetherium and some extra guns, but we need to get out of here right now. Reinforcements are only a minute away at best."

He figured the solution was simple, he scooped up both demons and the boxes and ran straight for the elevator. Smashing through its roof, he began ascending the shaft with periodic powerful jumps. They reached the top in no time. From there he just continued running, cradling the two in his arms in an embarrassingly mother-like manner as he cleared the wall once again. Thankfully he was moving too fast for any passerby to see. While in the air, he noticed a fleet of aircraft tearing towards the armory. Those must be the reinforcements.

"WHAT THE FUCK!" Moxxie squealed while holding onto the Slayer and the metal box for dear life.

For her part, Millie let out a jubilant yell as she pumped her fist in the air.

He continued running full speed, easily outpacing several cars on the street. As he did, he felt something vibrating against his armor. Moxxie noticed as well and used his tail to pull his phone out of the uniform's pocket.

"Sup Blitzo, yeah we got the weapons. You get the weed?" he shouted over the rushing wind. "Damn I'm surprised Ricky's plan worked. Fuck you too, Ricky. Yeah, we're on our way back to the basement. Sorry, I meant 'headquarters.' Alright sounds good. Oh and by the way can you pick up some stuff at the store for us? I don't think there's a brake on our transportation."

It only took them about six minutes, including the short detour they took to pick up their weapons case, to reach their dingy headquarters. They quickly crept into the costume store that sat above said basement and descended the staircase. Millie began fussing over his shoulder gash, insisting she bandage it. He reluctantly sat on the folding chair and let her tend to it with a first aid kit after she made it clear she wasn't going to ignore it. Moxxie stared at the two metal boxes with wide-eyes, clearly fiending to open them and put their contents to use.

The group only had a few more minutes of solace before the basement door barged open and Blitzo leaped down the stairs and spread his arms to imaginary applause. Behind him, Loona was texting, as usual, and only gave them a glance. Ricky stumbled down the stairs behind her, having clearly got his hands on some drinks since the heist ended. He carried two large duffel bags while Loona only carried one.

"Look at us! Men and women of action!" Blitzo exclaimed. "And check out blood on Doom Slayer here! I assume you enjoyed living up to your name today?"

He just stared, not deeming that worthy of a response.

"We got the fucking weed, assdicks. Look at this shit!" Ricky slammed the two duffel bags on the table and unzipped them while smiling triumphantly.

He only gave it a cursory glance. Such things didn't interest him at all, and he doubted it would work on the Vagabond anyway. All that considered though, it was still incredibly impressive Ricky managed to pull off a heist of the Devil's own weed.

"Not only that but Ricky fucking slaughtered two of those dipshit guards, mafia-style just because they had the audacity to slap Loona's rear."

This caused the Doom Slayer to look up at Ricky. Perhaps he was more than just an incompetent buffoon. He placed a hand on Ricky's shoulder and gave him an appreciative nod. Ricky looked like he had just won a Medal of Honor.

Moxxie and Millie exchanged a look and gave Ricky a strange smile. "Oh is that so Ricky? Was someone perhaps a little jealous?" Moxxie inquired.

Ricky gave him a confused look while Loona glanced up from her phone, observing his face closely. Oddly quiet for a conversation concerning her. He had to admit that he shared Ricky's confusion.

"Why would I be jealous of those guys? They're dead."

The smiles dropped from the imps' faces as they turned to each other slowly and shook their heads. Loona went back to scrolling through her phone.

"Aaaanyway, inside these two boxes are the divine weapons that'll turn the tide for us. Well, it is actually only a few weapons, the rest is the metal aetherium. It's what angelic weapons are created from. They're incredibly rare in raw form. It is in this raw form that they can bond with their wielder's personality and create weapons and armor perfectly tailored to their subconscious. An absolute marvel of weapon making." Moxxie's eyes were alight in geeky admiration. A passion the Slayer could relate to.

"Well, I understood about fucking zero percent of that. But it sounds badass. Let's try it out!" Ricky proclaimed as he approached the boxes.

Moxxie quickly moved to bar his path. "Sorry, but testing them out down here would be a very bad idea. For now, let's get some rest and we'll bust em' out to take on our suspects tomorrow."

"Sounds logically I guess."

With that out of the way, Moxxie turned to his boss. "Did you happen to get the stuff I asked you for?"

"I sure did. One sleeping bag for the lovebirds," Blitzo said with a creepy eyebrow wiggle. Moxxie shivered but accepted his offer of a large red sleeping bag. The imp glanced at his wife and gave her a seductive smile.

The Slayer was going to have to turn off his audio receptors tonight.

Loona and Ricky exchanged looks before running towards the lone bed. Loona reached it first and dove in.

"Loona fuck off, I saved your life. The least I can get is a bed!"

"I would've healed eventually," she grumbled.

"So would you have preferred having a bunch of bullets in your head?"

She looked up to him and gave a low growl. "Fine but I'm not getting out the bed. We'll just have to share I guess."

"WHAT! No way in fuck am I sleeping with you!"

"Ew, if you put it like that you can just sleep on the floor, you fucking weirdo."

Ricky pursed his lips before letting out a long sigh. "Fine but if you touch me I swear to God."

"Don't make me vomit."

With that Ricky uncomfortably lied on the bed with his back to the hellhound. Loona laid on her stomach for a bit before rolling over and putting her back to him as well.

The Slayer felt a tap on his shoulder. It was Blitzo, who was in the process of placing his sleeping bag right next to the imp couple. The imp pointed to the two in the bed and winked. He didn't get it and gave a default shrug in response. Blitzo caught on to his misunderstanding and sighed, slipping into his sleeping bag. Moxxie gave Blitzo a nasty stinkeye and looked like he was about to lay into his boss.

As the group bedded down for the night, the Slayer ruminated on simply taking the divine weaponry and setting out for Vagabond alone. He shunned that idea almost as fast as it had appeared. As annoying and ridiculous as this group was, they had shown themselves to be quite useful just as they promised. He wasn't the most honorable man, but the Doom Slayer knew he would keep his silent promise to them. Not to mention Ricky was his responsibility. No, for better or for worse, he was here to stay until the Vagabond's head lay decapitated at his feet.

* * *

Vox walked over the remains of his armory and men. A look of disgust on his digitized face. "An abysmal failure. Once the operational commanders have been brought to the surface, I want to have a LONG talk with them." His voice dipped into electronic distortion near the end of his angry command.

"It will be done, my lord," his small android assistant said before scrambling off to relay the orders.

A shadow passed over Vox and he turned to take in his prototype. The hulking beast was a perfect amalgamation of Vox's technology and peak demonic supernatural prowess. A true marvel of his own engineering. The prototype he had yet to name reached down and sniffed a bloodied yellow polo lying amid the carnage.

"I have their scent. I can hunt them down and butcher them like animals," it said in a deep rumbling voice that was barely decipherable.

Vox smiled at the idea of letting his creation loose but regrettably had to shake his head. "Not yet, my creation. Your time will come, rest assured. But for now, I'm afraid I must convene with the other Overlords before making our next move. All of them need to know about these new developments."

"As you wish, my lord."


	11. Death of a Booty Salesman

Valentino paced back and forth through his safe room, glancing periodically at the monitors that adorned the opposite wall. Every single one of them displayed nothing but bad news. All over Hell, demons were revolting against the overlords. Burning their places of business to the ground and attacking their mercenaries, the ungrateful scum had already caused more damage in the past day than that wendigo prick. The pimp had known that the residents of Hell despised the overlords, but just like the others, had paid it no mind. By their very nature demons were vacuous and loathsome creatures that had no respect for anything. Anything except for violence, of course, which he used to dish out readily to any lowly demon that would dare stand against him.

Now he could only watch as his empire crumbled at the hands of said lowly demons. The Wendigo had just been the catalyst the overlords never anticipated would arrive. He angrily slammed his fists down hard on the desk below the monitors and slouched defeated into his large throne-like leather chair. Valentino shut his eyes and pinched his forehead in frustration. This feeling of utter powerlessness was completely alien to him, and while he'd never admit it to anyone, it was swiftly becoming too much for him to handle. In the span of two days, his authority had been challenged and bested by not only this seemingly unstoppable force that was the Wendigo but a group of fucking imps and some no-name asshole in ridiculous armor. Valentino hadn't even been able to call a hit out on that group before the now infamous attack on his porn studios occurred. The same attack that had brought him to his current residence, deep underground beneath a textile factory within the Ninth that nobody outside the bodyguards currently within knew he owned. Even his prized possession Angel Dust was located in a separate bunker across town.

In a bid to regain some semblance of control, Valentino pressed a button for a speaker to his right that would connect him to the captain of his bodyguards.

"What's the word out there, Alejandro?"

A deep voice with a faint Mexican accent answered back instantaneously, "All is clear out here, sir. No sign of any intrusion."

"Excellent, carry on." Usually, he'd have some extra flair to add to the command but he was far too drained for that now. He turned to the small monitor to his left to confirm the captain's observations. It wasn't that he didn't trust the man, in fact, if there was anyone between Heaven and Hell he trusted, it was Alejandro. The demon had been serving him faithfully for decades now. No, he simply had to prove it to himself that he could still do something remotely useful. However, upon glancing at the monitor, the overlord froze.

They were all blank.

Valentino immediately shot to his feet, drew his secret weapons from his extravagant fur-lined coat, and clicked the button to connect with Alejandro again.

"If everything is all clear, explain to me why every fucking camera isn't working!" he thundered, quickly converting his fear to anger.

"I'm not sure, sir. They all appear functional out here. I'll head to you to check out the issue."

"Sure whatever. Just tell your men to be on their fucking toes!"

"Right away, sir!"

Valentino had a bad feeling brewing in his gut. Could the thing actually have tracked him here? How the fuck would it even know about this place? He took a deep breath. There was no need to panic, it was just a malfunction in the system. It was pretty old after all. He mentally kicked himself for not listening to Vox and getting it all updated before something drastic happened. The kind of drastic Hell was now in the midst of. As much as he hated to admit it, Vox had always been more on the ball with this type of thing. Valentino had no doubt the technophile overlord had already activated twenty contingencies specifically made to counter "psychotic wendigo motherfuckers."

Just as he finished that thought, a knock sounded at the door. He was about to yell at the dumbass to just come in but suddenly remembered that only he could give access to the safe room.

"I'm here, Valentino," Alejandro's voice buzzed over the speaker as he walked over to disengage the door's electronic locks.

"Thanks for stating the obvious, honey," Valentino snarked back and deactivated the locks.

As the door slid upward, Alejandro's voice sounded again "Valentino, I am here." The last three words contorted into a deep growl. Even though he'd never heard the voice before, he still knew the owner instantly.

Valentino raised his dual golden pistols as the door fully opened and revealed the greatest adversary he's ever faced. The entity that singlehandedly brought about the end of his empire. Rage quickly built when these thoughts surfaced, but they were dashed just as quickly at the sight of what stood before him.

The "Wendigo" as the news channels and word-of-mouth had come to call it, named after the race of demons that had a vaguely similar appearance, stood motionless in the doorway. The thing stooped so that its hollow eyes could look through the doorway that was far too short for it and bore straight into Valentino. A gentle pattering sound drew the pimp overlord's attention to the beast's hands. They had taken the form of long, obsidian black daggers that were drenched in fresh blood. On the right arm was his loyal guard Alejandro, impaled from the mouth to the anus, eyes still frozen in eternal pain. The sight affected Valentino more than he expected and the rage quickly returned upon seeing what had been done to one of his most loyal men.

"I've been waiting for your ugly ass to drop by for a man-to-man!" he yelled, all his usual bravado and arrogance flooding back into his voice, "Recognize these, motherfucker?" He shook the two pistols in his hands. "Hellfire rounds, state-of-the-art shit. Can scorch the soul of even the most powerful demons to a crisp, and I've got sixteen rounds right here. So unless you want to feel the fires of salvation reduce your deformed soul to ash, I'd suggest you don't move a fucking muscle and start begging forgiveness real fucking quick-like. Maybe I'll find it in my heart to forgive," he finished the rant with a chuckle and an arrogant narrowing of his beady red eyes.

The entire time his adversary hadn't moved a muscle or said a word. The Wendigo just stared. The continuous drip of Alejandro's blood being the only thing breaking the silence. Valentino felt his bravery slowly fading upon seeing how unmoved the beast was from his threat.

It took a single step into the room and just as he promised, Valentino lit the fucker up like a Krampmas tree.

The bright red rounds slammed into the beast's midsection and exploded a second time, propelling the angelic metal deep into its flesh. When he was almost out of bullets, Valentino fired the last few rounds into the Wendigo's crotch and face.

The pimp overlord smiled maniacally when the triggers clicked, signifying the magazines were empty. There was no way it could've survived that. He doubted even Lucifer could. However, as the smoke cleared, it was still standing and staring as it had before. Valentino noted in terror that the round fired into its face was flattened harmlessly against the skull.

He dropped the Hellfire pistols and frantically backpedaled as terror seized him again. Valentino remembered the room's escape hatch and darted for it. The pimp only made it a few feet before something cold and hard stabbed into his shoulder, knocking him clean off his feet and pinning him to the safe room's back wall. It was the Wendigo's left dagger-arm, which had extended all the way from the doorway where its owner still stood unmoving.

Valentino let out quiet gasps of pain and terror as he watched the thing slowly glance to the bubbling wounds where the rounds had entered. Its right dagger-arm retracted with dizzying speed, causing the formerly impaled Alejandro to drop to the floor with a thud as lifeless and cumbersome as a bag of groceries. As the arm shrunk to its normal length, the blade split into five long fingers. The Wendigo hovered the newly formed hand over the wounds, and Valentino watched in silent horror as the Hellfire produced from the rounds shot out of the wound and consolidated into a fireball at the beast's fingertips. The gouges left behind were already beginning to close up.

The fireball danced lazily over the Wendigo's hand as it finally moved from the doorway and began walking towards the overlord. The left arm that pinned him began shortening as its owner's body grew closer.

"Foolish child. I was born of this flame. Scorched by it before I had even formulated my first thought," the entity spoke in a voice that sounded midway between a growl and a metallic screech. Upon reaching Valentino, he raised the firey ball dangerously close to the overlord's face. Valentino flinched as his skin began burning from the proximity.

Terror fully gripped his heart and he couldn't help but plead, even though he knew deep down it was pointless. "Please, please I'm sorry about all the bullshit earlier. But I promise you I'm much more valuable alive than I am dead. I'm a powerful man, I could help you achieve whatever you desire!"

The Wendigo lowered the fireball, and Valentino almost smiled in finally having actually gotten through to him. That was until the beast slammed the fireball right into the overlord's crotch. He let out a horrific screech of agony as his most prized posessons were scorched by angelic fire. He kicked out and punched erratically at his captor but the blows had no effect. The only damage they caused was to Valentino himself, as his bones broke with the ferocity he attacked the Wendigo with. He might as well have been attempting to brutalize a brick wall.

"The cowardice of overlords never ceases to disgust me. No wonder Hell has sat stagnant for so long with your kind in charge. I look forward to butchering you all like animals," the beast sneered, its enormous maw only inches away from Valentino's screaming face. Breath that reeked of fetid meat wafted into the overlord's face with every word. "The king has risen and Hell will finally see its true potential." He paused and looked down to where the flame torched his flesh and let a huff of amusement. "A eunuch pimp. Not many things amuse me, but the idea of letting you live simply to carry that moniker for eternity is quite humorous."

Valentino was still too engulfed in pain to comprehend its words properly, even as the fireball was extinguished. When the overlord opened his mouth for another lamentation of pain, the Wendigo's mouth split open and a swarm of tongues shot out and entered Valentino's mouth. He gagged and bit down on the tongues as quick and violent as a bear trap but his teeth only chipped and broke upon contact with their durable skin, including his gold tooth which dropped to the floor and sat as a golden island within the growing pool of blood that had formed there.

The pimp desperately attempted to breathe through his nose, but the oxygen had nowhere to go as the invasive tongues slid further and further down his throat. The thorny appendages jutting out from their sides tore long gashes into the esophagus, causing more blood to fall and join a rising pool of vomit. When the tongues finally entered his stomach, they split apart, obliterating the organ into fleshy bits. They then began to whirl like the blades of a helicopter, mincing the rest of the abdominal organs and bones of the overlord's body into a slurry. Valentino violently spasmed as he sat on the cusp of final death, blood flowing from orifices all over his face.

Their job finished, the tongues slowly receded out of his body and back into the creature's mouth, which closed with a loud snap. Valentino didn't struggle anymore, he simply stared blankly at his killer. In a final act of spite, he vomited a mixture of blood and vomit right into its bleached white skull of a face. In response, the Wendigo brought a knife-like finger up to his neck.

"Rest well knowing that at least a piece of you will be used for something great. As for your liquified body, it will be left in the streets for the commoners you hate to feast upon." The usual monotone it spoke with was broken by an air of mockery as he sliced the blade finger clean through Valentino's neck.

Everything went dark as one of Hell's most feared overlords met the void.


	12. Sir Pentious and Cherri Bomb are Fucked!

"Ow fuck! Take it easy you dickhole!" Cherri Bomb snarled at Sir Pentious, flinching away in pain as he applied his soon-to-be patented healing salve to her lacerated back. She sat on the edge of his large, metal operating table. A table he usually reserved for causing damage instead of mending it.

The snake demon raised a gloved hand away from the wounds and gave her an annoyed look. "The more you fight it and whine like a child, the longer thisssss is going to take," he hissed back.

"It wouldn't take any time if your dumbass just dropped me off at a healer's," she snarked back without turning around. Instead, the infernal whore pulled out her phone and began scrolling through whatever brain-rotting garbage she normally perused. Sir Pentious never got the appeal of such a small, useless device when one could focus their attention on machinery far grander. Such as his mighty zeppelin and plethora of gloriously destructive weaponry!

"While I'd love to drop your ungrateful disease-riddled self in the nearest available back alley or dump, I could not pass up the opportunity to use you as a test subject for my salve. I'm more of a weapons guy, you see. So the medical field is an alien one, but one soon to be mastered nonetheless!" he declared excitedly. He knew his test subject didn't share the same enthusiasm he did, but the serpent couldn't help himself. It was not often he had someone aboard his zeppelin to discuss his passions with. Well aside from his egg minions, who provided little in the way of meaningful commentary anyway.

"Yeah, whatever you say Edgelord. I know it's just an excuse for you to feel me up." With that disturbing, completely baseless accusation, she turned to face him with a shark-like grin splitting her face.

He balked at the idea, hoping she wouldn't see the heat he felt on his face. A heat that could easily be misinterpreted as something unsavory even though it was obviously caused by his revulsion at the idea. "Filthy harlot! The only other reason there'd be is me not wanting your disgusting puss-ridden wounds dripping all over my freshly-buffed out floors," he snapped.

She let out a high-pitched laugh that was bordering on a giggle. Sir Pentious felt an odd flutter in his chest upon hearing it. He figured it must have been something he ate the other day. "Sure whatever, go ahead and finish applying that snake oil and when it doesn't work I'll be sure to kick you in your snake nuts before I head out."

"I'm really starting to regret saving you back there," he grumbled as he returned to mending the wounds, making sure to be slightly more delicate as he coated the remaining portions. If the salve worked properly, which it absolutely should, it'll seal the wounds fully in a few days with only a little bit of scar tissue left behind. Cherri only slightly flinched this time, letting a slight hiss of pain escape her lips instead of her usual curses. Once he finished applying the ointment, she turned to him with a look that foretold more snarky insolence to come. He groaned.

"Oh yeah, that was definitely you, my knight in shining armor! Sir Edgelord of House 'I'm three seconds away from shitting myself' sweeping me off my feet and saving me from certain doom!" She suddenly leaned in, her face only inches from his and her eye taking on a seductive glow. "However could this fair maiden repay you?" she whispered. Sir Pentious' acute sense of smell picked up the faint scent of well...cherries that lingered on her even after being attacked from that ungodly beast.

"U..uh w...what?" he stammered. Mentally kicking himself for not formulating a proper response to this siren. To be fair to himself though, how else was someone supposed to do when approached by their mortal enemy in such a manner. He doubted any on Hell or Earth could handle such a situation better.

She held him in this gaze for a few seconds before flicking his nose. The supervillain jolted backward and covered his snout in surprise while Cherri erupted into her typical hyena-like fit of laughter.

"How dare you! Touch me again and I will hand-deliver you to that monster so he can finish the job!" His hood flared with angrily as turned and slithered away. Arms crossed over his chest. As he turned, he caught a brief look of fear crossing the annoying bitch's face. His glower dropped. He felt like he should be happy his threat legitimately scared his rival, but instead, Sir Pentious felt a flash of some other strange emotion. Was that...sympathy? Where the Hell had that come from?

Pushing that feeling aside, he slithered to zeppelin's controls. After activating it and setting its course, he began absentmindedly adjusting dials to distract from the previous encounter and his nonsensical emotions. The awkward quiet began to weigh heavily on him though, and Sir Pentious decided to question Cherri as to the nature of her involvement with the beast that was now infamous in Hell to break it.

"What did you do to earn his ire anyway. Knowing you it could be a vast number of things."

There was a long pause before she answered. "Fucking nothing. I was just walking around, scoping out some potential territory and that fucker just dropped down from the rooftops and started carving into me. He did that for a few minutes before letting me go. He told me that ever time he caught me he would take something from me until there was nothing left to run on. The smelly asswipe." Even though was trying her best to hide it, the snake demon picked up a slight tremble in her voice near the end of the explanation. He felt it again then. That weird feeling that he had pinned down as sympathy. Disgusting, no way had Sir Pentious gone this soft! Cherri Bomb punctuated her scorn by spitting on the floor. His floor.

"Didn't I just tell you, misssssy, that I had these floors cleaned and buffed recently?" he reprimanded. Concern for his ship's cleanliness overriding any passing concern he had for how she got torn up.

"Buff this out," she responded with a dual flipping of the middle finger. He was about to whip around and tear her a new one but decided against it. Instead, he motioned for some Egg Bois to clean the mess up without a word.

Out of the corner of his eye, he watched as the cyclops demoness walked to one of the zeppelin's many windows, trying her best to cover up her limp, and stared out over the city with an uncharacteristic solemness. "I swear to God, Satan, and whoever created that fuckwit that when I find him again I'm gonna shove so many bombs down his fucking throat the fuses will be sticking out his asshole."

"Elegant imagery as always, but my professional opinion would be that you need to avoid further confrontation with this abomination. Your bombs didn't seem to faze him very much," he added, his tone matter-of-fact.

"I'll make bigger bombs."

Sir Pentious rolled his eyes at the inane statement and was about to retort when Cherri suddenly began frantically pointing to something out the window. His blood ran cold at the thought that she had spotted the beast again, coming to reclaim its prey.

"Check it out! There are two humans on the top of that roof waving at us. I think they want a ride, Edgelord."

Sir Pentious quirked his brow at the strange report. "Very odd. Looks like they'll have to find some other transport. I've already got one too many annoying passengers."

"Are you fucking stupid? Do you know how much a live human is worth down here? Much less two! It's a luxury only the most uppity of overlords can indulge. Park the damn thing, and we'll split the price."

"I'd suggest you watch your tone, missssy. And besides, can't you just get humans at those sacrifice-and-go places?"

"Those places are total rip-offs. Ninety percent of the time the demons that use them are just getting pieces of sacrificial animals like goats and shit sold as humans. It's Hell, everyone scams. Now park this hunk of shit and let's make some dough."

He growled in frustration but tacitly had to agree with her idea by slowing the zeppelin down and activating one of the exterior cameras. Sure enough two human males stood atop an apartment building rooftop. One wore a black shirt and jeans while the other had a plaid shirt and massive glasses. As he moved the ship atop the two and dropped the ladder, the man in the plaid shirt excitedly pointed at the zeppelin and smacked the other man on the shoulder, who only shook his head in response.

It only took a few seconds for the first of the men to reach the top of the ladder and enter the ship. The man in the black shirt was the first one through, and he was greeted by a smiling Cherri Bomb and a swarm of his Egg Bois who were eager to see their first human. He looked around apprehensively at surrounding demons as he entered the aircraft, looking particularly unnerved by Cherri Bomb and her massive grin. He couldn't blame the human. She was quite a devilish-looking minx. Something peculiar that Sir Pentious noticed about the man, besides his presence in Hell at all, was that he held a glass of what appeared to be rum and coke, still full despite the rapid ascent he had made. He postulated that maybe the man's quite impressive musculature helped keep the drink stable.

As Sir Pentious slithered over to get a better sense of him, Cherri let out an approving whistle, having also noticed the man's muscles. "I might just have to keep this human for myself. Name's Cherri Bomb, the omelet ingredients you see down there are the minions of the Old Man over here."

"Bite your tongue, skank! Sir Pentious is the name! Greatest supervillain to ever grace this wretched Hellscape and whose vessel you now find yourself in!" he monologued. His rose as tall as his tail would allow, his hood flaring out fully and the eye of his hat blazing in anger as he clenched his fist dramatically, trying his best to make a good first impression. He had to keep from deflating when he glanced down to see Cherri feigning blowing her brains out with a finger gun, and the muscled man appearing very weirded out.

"Uh, okay then. My name is Julian and my friend still climbing up the ladder is Bubbles. Gotta thank you guys for picking us up. We've been really fucked around these last few hours." He raised his drink in Sir Pentious' direction and offered his hand for the demoness to shake. She accepted and held onto to his hand for so long "Julian" had to jerk back to get it free. She giggled and made a point to look at the snake demon, who gave her a look of confusion and disgust in return.

It was then that the other man made his appearance in a much less graceful fashion. Practically rolling in through the hatch, his breathing labored. He rose to his feet and adjusted his insanely disproportionate glasses as he took in the zeppelin's inhabitants.

"Julian, you think you could've fucking slowed down a bit and given me some time to catch up. You know how I am with heights!"

Julian patted his friend on the shoulder apologetically. "Sorry bubs, I was just ready to get the fuck off those streets. Here, say hi to these guys. The cyclops chick is Cherri Bomb and the snake guy is called SerpentO."

Sir Pentious was about the correct the man's egregious mispronunciation when he noticed the way Bubbles' anger had caused his face to contort in quite a hilarious way. This coupled with his odd pointing at nothing as he berated his colleague and his odd glasses that most certainly gave him the name "Bubbles" caused both Cherri and Sir Pentious to crack up. The cyclops demoness fell backward into him, and he was too busy laughing to shove her away.

The two men turned to each other and exchanged an uncomfortable look. Bubbles was the first to speak up. "So are you two like a demon couple or something?"

Sir Pentious' eyes shot open, and he shared his own uncomfortable look with Cherri before they both violently shoved off each other.

"Fuck no! I'd rather gouge out my only eye than be caught dating this washed-up loser," she snapped at the two men, causing them both to jump. The one called "Bubbles" attempted to discretely hide behind his larger friend.

"Most certainly not. I'm simply tolerating the whore's presence to use her as a test subject for my healing agents. I'm an inventor, you see. If this magnificent zeppelin wasn't enough of an indicator"

"You two are fucked," Julian sighed.

Bubbles stepped out from behind Julian, eyes now alight with wonder. "You built this cocksucker? That's fucking amazing. It's almost like a spaceship with all these dials and controls. You gotta show me around this beauty!"

Sir Pentious froze. Had this human just...complimented his work? He couldn't stop the smile from slicing across his face at that. "FINALLY! A MAN OF CULTURE! And while this vessel doesn't "suck any cocks" I'm afraid, allow me to show you the full glory of her many other features!"

The snake supervillain excitedly slithered off with Bubbles turning to Julian and letting out several strange noises of happiness before following.

"Julain check it out! He's got little egg things to help with his ship!" Bubbles leaned down and addressed one of the Egg Bois. "Hey, there little guy, what's your name?"

"Number 119, nice to meet you Boss's friend!" Bubbles shook the egg's small black hand and let out even more strange noises.

"Bubbles, I am pleased to introduce you to my newest addition to the ship's armament. The freeze ray with the exalted title of ABSOLUTE ZERO! It can freeze any object or demon to near absolute zero temperatures. I'm sure with just a few tweaks it'll reach once thought impossible to reach a state of zero Kelvin," he explained while proudly displaying the massive ray gun he'd built atop a large platform on his zeppelin's starboard side.

"Holy fuck! You've even got spaceman guns on here! DECENT! Can I fire this cocksucker up?"

"Of course. Here, let me show you how to use her."

As Sir Pentious showed Bubbles how to use Absolute Zero, and was properly elated when he froze a city bus on his first try, he noticed Cherri and Julian making a slow approach.

"Ugh, all this egghead talk is driving me insane. How about we go somewhere else and I show you some 'features' of my own," she said in a sultry tone, raising her single eyebrow up and down at Julian.

"Yeah, no thanks," Julian replied, looking profoundly disturbed by the suggestion, before walking over to join the two by the ray gun. He was glad the man had rebuffed her offer.

Cherri didn't seem to be bothered though. Only giving a roll of the eye and a simple "Your loss" in response.

Still watching with delight as Bubbles froze several more buildings and cars below, Sir Pentious decided it was time to question the two very out of place humans.

"So how exactly did you two fellows find yourselves in Hell?"

"Well right now we're looking for our friend, Ricky. Perhaps you heard about him? Apparently, he's running with some badass guy called the 'Doom Slayer.' Stole a bunch of weed from the fucking Devil with him from what we've heard."

Both demons froze at those words, jaws going slack. That name. The Doom Slayer. He remembered it from the old tales. A human that has genocided demonkind for endless eons. He was what the Devil checked for under his bed every night. A man too angry to die. The Bane of H-

He cringed in annoyance as his internal recounting was interrupted by a gleeful shout from Cherri. "Your friend did that? You know what, Edgelord. Fuck selling these guys as sacrificial offerings. We're gonna help them find this 'Ricky' so we can smoke some of the Devil's weed!"

"Sell us as what?" Julain asked.

"While I have grown to enjoy their company, I don't see the point of going through all that trouble just to get the Devil's unwanted garden pests."

Bubbles stopped firing the freeze ray and joined the other two in giving him an incredulous look.

"He means marijuana, Sir Pentious. Like the drug," Bubbles said. Much more delicately than the other two would've no doubt.

"Ooooh I see. That does sound quite delectable," he tapped his chin thoughtfully. "But that still doesn't the question of HOW you got here."

Julian looked like he was about to speak up when Bubbles cut him off.

"Actually, I can explain this one as well. It's a fucked story and it all starts with this greasy owl prick named Stolas..."


	13. The Overlord Summit

**Author's note: This chapter takes place before the events of Chapter 12.**

* * *

Lucifer surveyed the conference room with the cold precision of a hawk. He sat on an ornate throne carved out of volcanic rock from Orodruin at the head of a massive mahogany table. His wife Lilith was usually seated in a similar throne to his right but she was out attending to some important business in the Eighth Circle. She never was one much for these meetings anyway. Filling up the seats of both sides of the table was an assortment of the most powerful demons in Hell. Twenty-three overlords, all of them minus the porn mogul Valentino.

A torrent of conversations filled the room as the overlords exhausted their talkative natures before the commencement of the summit, where Lucifer decided who spoke and who didn't. A small smile etched into his lips as he listened to the words being exchanged. Without exception, every single one was laced with the veiled threats and hidden machinations that were inevitable when this many power-hungry megalomaniacs found themselves in the same room. He should know, he's been doing it longer than anyone after all.

The only overlord not neck-deep in said conversations was the infamous Alastor, who took in the interactions around him with a mildly amused yet intelligent and observant gaze, not unlike that of Lucifer. Out of the multitude of overlords present here, the Radio Demon was one of the few that he had any respect for, ridiculous nickname aside. It was this respect that had kept him from recalling his wayward daughter Charlie back to the palace when the Vagabond had commenced its assault on the overlords. Even though his respect definitely did not translate into trust, Lucifer figured the overlord was powerful enough to defend the "Happy Hotel" alone. Besides, he had promised to leave Charlie to her own devices on her foolish errand, which had been much to Lilith's displeasure. She had always been too soft on their daughter. If she was to be so headstrong in her hotel idea, she would fall on her own accord. He knew better than anyone that falling was a greater teacher than any parent.

Lucifer's gaze drifted to the large cast-iron clock that sat above the room's entrance that would signify the commencement of the summit. Below its gothic face, a bold inscription read _"Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate"_. He always liked that statement, it was one of his favorite parts of that book. Which is saying a lot because he was a huge fan of Dante. So much so, in fact, that he had named the different districts of the capital city after his Nine Circles. Lucifer had also wanted to proudly display the inscription on the front gates of his palace, but his wife had managed to convince him it was too big of a cliche. Oh well, at least he could enjoy it now as a distraction from these petty fools that called themselves overlords.

His eyes slowly trailed down from the inscription down to the contingent of armed guards standing still as corpses at the entrance. They weren't there for any of the overlords' protection. That job was for the hundreds of guards that patrolled the thirteen levels from this underground bunker to the upper towers. No, these guards were here to escort in Vox and Stolas' "presentations." In Vox's case, extra preparation had been required in the form of extending the height and width of the doors. Lucifer would be quite annoyed if the prototype had any last-minute additions to it, something its ever dissatisfied creator was fond of, that could cause undue structural damage. He had grown quite fond of the new decorative molding that had come with the expansion.

The screams of the unfortunate sinners trapped within the clock jolted Lucifer out of his idle thoughts and signified the beginning of the summit. All the overlords hushed instantaneously in accordance with the screams and turned expectantly towards their king. He clapped his hands together loudly, causing a few of them to jump, and let his characteristic shit-eating grin spread over his face.

"Ladies and gentlemen., overlords of all ages. It is an honor to have all here today for the important matters we have to discuss. Well all barring one. It seems dear Valentino couldn't make it. No word yet from him as to why, unfortunately, but it's safe to assume the recent business with his main studio is responsible. Regardless, let the summit commence. I will start it off by illuminating some disconcerting truths about our violent interloper. Then Vox and Stolas will present their findings and solutions regarding said interloper. I trust everyone here is smart enough to understand these terms?"

Several of the more sycophantic overlords nodded, clearly missing the condescension of the final sentence. He was glad to see Alastor, Vox, and Vito Corleone mirrored his own sly grin at this.

"Excellent. Now onto Hell's new arrival. He's been going by many names recently: The Beast, Usurper, the Wendigo, and many more likely even stupider names."

Makkapitew, Lord of the Wendigos, hissed in anger. "I despise the idea of naming that fucking animal 'Wendigo.' It is no child of mine!"

"Certainly not. It's far more powerful," Lucifer snarked back at the interrupter, relishing the offended look the crossed his face. He had nothing more to add it seemed. "No, its true name, or at least what fits it best, is Vagabond. The eternal wanderer. But it is not a wanderer without a purpose. Which brings me to the most troubling revelation about it. I've been studying this Vagabond and his origins extensively for the past few days and, thanks to a generous gift from a wandsman, my theory has been confirmed."

With a wave of his hand, a screen descended from the ceiling directly above his throne. It flickered on and displayed a surveillance video of the Vagabond slaughtering several guards at Valentino's base side by side with depictions of him from ancient tomes he'd been gifted from Ickis the Wayward. In it, the Vagabond stood among a legion of horrors and abominations even Hell would find reprehensible. Above this army were seven symbols that formed a giant circle that surrounded a blood-red crown with a pair of antlers branching out of its sides.

"The Vagabond is the son of the Scarlet King."

Every single face in the room flashed with fear at the name. Even the guards looked afraid. They all have heard it in hushed whispers from far off dimensions ravaged by this Defiler of Worlds. Sometimes they even heard his voice in their dreams. Satan knows he has heard it more than once in his own. And even though Lucifer knew he had no room to be making moral judgments, the stories of what Scarlet King had done to his own daughters/brides unnerved even him. The eldritch abomination was the absolute antithesis of good and now his son was knocking on Lucifer's front door.

"I know what you're all thinking. No, he is not one of the seven Leviathans. From what little information there is on his origins, he seems to be a bastard child of some long-forgotten forest goddess. A small reassurance, all things considered."

The images on the screen changed to more depictions of Vagabond from the tome. In each one, the beast led armies of monstrosities and demons across burning worlds, crushing and tearing apart men, women, and children as they went. The final image that Lucifer let linger on the screen was that of the Vagabond standing atop a mountain of corpses, the sigil of his father blazing above his head, surrounded by monsters and humans alike who were in varying poses of supplication. Some were even offering their daughters up to him. Behind this grotesque scene, an enormous black portal had opened and revealed a blood-red smile deep within.

He overheard several audible gulps from around the room. Most of the overlords still seemed to be in shock from the revelation. Even the ever cheery Alastor had nearly lost his signature smile, while his close associate of a similar personality, Rosie, had lost her's altogether.

"If it's not clear from these lovely illustrations, it appears our dear guest Vagabond serves as a sort of vanguard for his father. But instead of securing a stronghold here or there, he conquers entire worlds for the Scarlet King and his main army to extract resources and manpower. It should be quite clear that's what he intends to do with our little home here." He paused and sat back in his chair, an indicator that the others were allowed to give their input now.

Corleone was the first of the overlords to recover from the initial shock, leaning forward and clasping his hands together in his typical mafioso manner. He spoke in a very matter-of-fact tone that was almost completely devoid of emotion.

"It is highly concerning that the Scarlet King's influence has reached this far. I'm sure we have all heard about his conquests in far off dimensions, but this distance has lulled us into an imaginary sense of safety and now he's caught us off guard. It is imperative that we get our bearings quickly and cut the head off this viper before it can make its fatal strike. For this, however, we'll need more information on how this Vagabond conquers worlds alone. If such information is available, otherwise we will be forced to work with what we have."

There were murmurs of agreement from all around the room at that. Lucifer noted that near the end of his speech, Corleone let slip a bit of emotion in the form of palpable disgust at the Scarlet King. The Devil couldn't blame him.

"I wholeheartedly agree that swift action is needed here. Unfortunately even my most powerful mages have been unable to detect his location, which is odd for a foreign being with so much power." He didn't let slip his true thoughts on the matter. Lucifer knew it had to be a powerful being hiding Vagabond's own signature. Which meant more than likely said powerful person was in the room right now. He had his suspicions on who and, in time, he had no doubt they would reveal themself. "But as for how he goes about conquering worlds, it seems to vary greatly from what spotty information there is about it. What I do know is that here he is using the average demon's contempt towards the overlords against us in the form of the hundreds of rebellions going on right now. I'm certain that he will soon take up the position of leader to these rebels. He must die before this occurs, and I believe that's a perfect segue for Vox and Stolas, who have told me they have some solutions to alleviate this issue."

He raised in hand in Vox's direction and the cybernetic overlord wasted no time in rising from his chair and putting on a presentational air, making sure to give Lucifer a courteous nod before doing so of course.

"Thank you, Lucifer. As disturbing as this new information is, I fear I have more bad news. But do not despair, it is accompanied by good news of course!" The screen on his face changed to CCTV footage very similar to Vagabond's carnage, however, the subject of this video was a very different destroyer. Lucifer had been briefed already on the Doom Slayer's arrival but he's been sure to keep it under wraps until he could release it in a controlled fashion to prevent more panic.

"This fellow might be a bit more familiar to you all. An old Hell's tale comes to life it seems. You are looking at the Doom Slayer in the flesh. As if one genocidal millennium old near godlike being wasn't enough, amiright?"

His joke only managed to garner one laugh from Velvet, who was likely too young to know the significance of who the Slayer was. Everyone else was once again gripped a fear almost as great as when Vagabond's Maury paternity test results were revealed.

"Oh yes, I remember that fellow quite well. He attacked my emporium not two nights ago. Quite a rude chap, I fear. Not one much at all for conversation," Rosie added with an uncharacteristic grumpiness.

"That he is. And he's not working alone either. As I can attest to." The screen changed to display the Slayer carrying two small imps who were desperately holding onto large metal boxes in their arms. "As you can see his choice of teammates is quite lacking. Stolas will have more on them later."

"They still managed to steal from you, Vox. You should try not and be so harsh on yourself," Alastor responded with mockery dripping in his voice. Several snickers were had at that, Lucifer's among them.

Vox didn't find it very amusing. The CCTV footage quickly disappeared from his screen and was replaced with his digital face glowering menacingly at the Radio Demon.

"So it seems, Alastor. But unlike you, I have some actual solutions to offer here. So do withhold your radio chicanery while serious topics are being discussed," Vox snarled at his mortal enemy's smiling face. Lucifer loved these meetings for this very reason, the political intrigue of these buffoons was a never-ending source of comedy.

Vox's expression switched instantly from contempt to lit with showmanship once again. "Now it's important that the arrival of these two not be seen as unrelated events. The Doom Slayer is a hunter of all things demonic and evil after all. So it should stand to reason that he is here to kill the Vagabond."

"Well, the solution seems obvious here. Let them fight. Then we'll all strike the winner when he's at his weakest. Otherwise, we have got a 'whoever wins, we lose' situation on our hands," Corleone quickly added. No doubt eager to get a point in before Vox continued on with his pitch.

"Son of the Scarlet King versus The Slayer of Doom. Now that's a gladiator match I'd love to commentate on," Alastor beamed.

"Couldn't have put it better myself, Corleone. All that's left now is to introduce this 'final strike' as you put it." Vox gestured towards the door, and the guards standing there hurriedly opened it. A loud stomping sounded from the hallway outside as a massive form lumbered into the room, thankfully able to fit through the entrance. There were several gasps from the overlords around the table, some even began to stand up and reach for weapons.

"Sit down!" Lucifer thundered at those foolish enough to attempt to draw weapons during a summit at his palace. The offending overlords recoiled at his voice and obediently sat back down, their gaze not leaving the new guest.

"Introducing the Vox-patented Cyberdemon! A perfect combination of my state-of-the-art cybernetics, demon physiology, and a bit of aetherium for flavor!" Vox sounded damn near orgasmic as he bragged about the prototype. Although, Lucifer had to admit it was quite impressive. The Cyberdemon was incredibly tall, having to stoop to keep its two massive horns from tearing into the twenty-foot high ceiling. Its musclebound frame was as wide as a barn door, further accentuated by the blue armor covering most of its grayish-pink skin. The prototype scanned the room with a surprising amount of intelligence in the four beady black eyes that sat above its gaping maw of a mouth. A massive blade scraped the floor from a wrist gauntlet on its right arm and the left was one massive rocket launcher glowing with a crackling blue light.

"Well, he certainly takes after his father in the looks department. You must be so proud," Alastor said as he nonchalantly took in the monstrous being. The joke knocked everyone out of their awe and the room quickly erupted into laughter. Vox looked furiously at Alastor which his creation copied the anger look. Lucifer worried it would act on it before Vox raised his hand in its direction. The Cyberdemon quickly settled down.

Through gritted electronic teeth, Vox continued. "Humor is a good coping mechanism for the weak. So I'll allow some indulgence of it if it makes you all feel better. Just know it will be my creation that saves all your interests when it takes down the survivor of the coming conflict. It has felled many powerful adversaries during its testing phase. Once it has proved itself in the field, I have no doubt it will pave the way for a new age of security in Hell. All the more pertinent with this new information about the Scarlet King. We need an army now more than ever and by mass producing these weapons, with the approval and allocation of resources from Lucifer of course, all of our interests will be secured indefinitely from foreign incursions such as this."

"An interesting proposition, I look forward to seeing your creation at work. However, it certainly has a lot to prove if what you're saying is to happen," Lucifer concluded. It was obvious Vox was trying to use the crisis to give himself insane amounts of control over Hell. Lucifer immediately put him at the top of his list of suspects.

His presentation concluded, Vox motioned for the Cyberdemon to leave the room and sat back down as it lurched back out into the hallway.

"Alright Stolas, let's see what you got for as regarding the Slayer's posse."

The owl lord rose in a much slower and less enthusiastic manner than Vox. He seemed exceedingly tired, but he retained his usual weirdly seductive tone as he addressed them.

"I'm afraid what I'm presenting is nowhere near as flashy as what dear Vox had to offer. Still, I believe these characters will hold your interests. For many reasons..." he let out a long sigh before continuing. "Let me preface this by saying as strange and pathetic as they appear, they are in league with a man who stole Lucifer's weed from right under his nose. Ricky LaFleur is his name and I believe he's now working with this Slayer character in the hunting of Vagabond."

"Let me just say my piece on the weed thing before you continue. The buds grew back overnight anyway so I'm not too bent out of shape over it. I'm still going to execute this Ricky character when I get my hands on him of course but just know I'm not lacking in the green department."

"I never had any doubts there, good sir. Anyways as the security footage and Vox's facial recognition software has corroborated, the Slayer is working with a group of imp assassins called the Immediate Murder Professionals or well... I.M.P."

"How exactly did a bunch of fucking imps find themselves working alongside the goddamn Doom Slayer and this Ricky guy anyway?" Overlord Ventress asked.

"That I'm not entirely sure. However, I believe these associates of Ricky from Earth, generously provided by our occult forces there, might help shed some light on the group and the possibility of them causing any more trouble for us."

Stolas motioned for the guards to open the doors in a similar manner to Vox, they obliged, and in walked four very strange humans. The leader was a muscular man in a black shirt and jeans with a glass of rum and coke in hand. Following closely behind him was a man in ridiculous glasses that made his fearful expression even more hilarious, a balding older man that reeked of alcohol, and finally, a shirtless man with a grotesquely distended gut that smelt as much of cheeseburgers as the man before him did of booze.

"Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to Julian, Bubbles, Jim Lahey, and Randy!"

"Who are these guys, Mr. Lahey?" the cheeseburger man whispered to the drunkard.

"Randy, you remember how I told you about the shit puppets. This is who's pulling the strings, boy," Lahey slurred.

"Oh fuck off with the shit talk, Jim! Now is not the time!" said the man he assumed was Julian ordered. Given that the only one that could possibly be named Bubbles was the fool with the goofy glasses.

Lucifer glanced around to gauge the other overlords' reactions. All of them looked on at the carnival-like display with mouths agape or lips upturned in sneers of disgust. Alastor was barely containing hysterical laughter, and Stolas was gazing hungrily at Julian.

"So Stolas let me get this straight, Vox brought me a revolutionary prototype of war and you bring me four drunken trailer park boys...? Excellent! Let's see what Plato, Socrates, Aristotle, and Confucius here have to say!" Lucifer said as a war waged in his mind between being outraged and intrigued by the display before him. He would let it go on for now though.

"Well I guess you're not totally wrong there, Mr... uh, Devil sir. I've read some Plato and Socrates, and I'm down with them," Bubbles said nervously.

"Ohohoho is that so? Do tell," Lucifer chuckled.

"Well I do know that Plato figured it was okay to lie if it was for the greater good of the people. Cocksucker called it the 'Noble Lie.' Figured that would resonate with you being the Father of Lies."

"Damn it's been a while since I've been called 'Father of Lies.' Perhaps I judged your intelligence too harshly. Now if you please, enlighten me on your friend Ricky LaFleur who stole some of my weed."

"Ricky stole the Devil's weed? DECENT!" Bubbles exchanged a high five with Julian as he made some strange grunting noises. Only to catch the Devil's less than amused expression and hide behind his friend.

This Julian character stepped forward to address his question instead. "Well, what I can tell you about Ricky..."

"HE IS A FUCKING SHIT APPLE! FALLEN OUT OF THE SHIT TREE AND LANDED RIGHT WHERE HE BELONGS! IN H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS!" Lahey interrupted as he stumbled forward towards Lucifer and waved his hands wildly like some insane preacher.

"Mr. Lahey calm down. That's the Devil your talking to!"

"BOBANDY I KNOW WHO THIS IS! THE DEVIL MEET THE LIQUOR, THE LIQUOR MEET THE DEVIL!" he offered his hand to shake. Lucifer refused. "I'M WARNING YOU, HE'S SELLING YOUR WEED RIGHT NOW AND MAKING A HUGE PROFIT! IT'S ALL PART OF THE SHIT PLAN, YOU SEE."

"Jim, enough with the shit talk! We're surrounded by demons in Hell for fuck sakes!"

"No please, continue, it's quite prophetic," Alastor chuckled.

"Thank you, Mr. Deer Man! Would like a little drinky p-." Lahey fell over, passed out on the floor, and proceeded to piss himself.

"Take this idiot away! And the gut one too. Julian and Bubbles will remain for now," Lucifer snarled. The guards hauled the two men off without a word. Leaving the room's inhabitants in a mix of amusement and disgust.

"Alright Julian and Bubbles, continue. Do give me some useful information, now. As funny as this initially was, I'm steadily losing my patience with the bullshit," he warned.

"Yeah sorry about those guys, they're totally fucked," Julian said, his voice straining to take on an authoritative tone. "So what I've heard about Ricky is that he's working with this Slayer guy who is hunting down this other creepy bastard named Vagabond."

"Correct."

"Well, if Ricky stole your weed and is working for a guy like that. It's got to be for some type of reward and now that fucking idiot is in way over his head."

"There is a huge bounty on Vagabond. I figured that's what would be their group's main motivation. What else are you thinking?"

This is when Bubbles spoke up, putting on a much less effective version of Julian's tone as he did. "Now uh Mr. Lucifer, I know this will sound fucky but it's the God's-h... honest truth. Ricky is gonna use your super-strong Devil Weed as a weapon for that creepy samsquanch lookin cocksucker. He probably got it in his goofy brain of his that getting the monster high off his nutsack will help them kill it easier. He also wants to get high as fuck himself too."

"That's ridic... well actually, now that I think about it, it's not a terrible idea. With the amount he stole, and if it's concentrated to the right degree, Ricky could actually make a pretty potent chemical weapon. For his sake though, he best not smoke it. Even in its regular form, a human will be put in a coma for decades at least."

"If there's any human out there that can take, it's Ricky," Bubbles said without hesitation. Julian nodded in affirmation.

"Hmm, can't wait to see that put into action. You two are dismissed. I trust Stolas will keep you close at hand for any further questioning."

"Oh trust me, I intend to," Stolas purred. Lucifer hoped the creepy owl bastard would take it easy on them. He had to admit the two had grown on him a little,

But now he was just eager to end the already too long for his taste meeting and test out the weed for himself. It had been a while since he'd indulged in his own lettuce after all. As he turned to prepare the closing statements for the summit, Lucifer caught himself smiling maniacally.

Things in Hell had gotten quite strange, and he was loving every minute of it.

* * *

_Julian's POV_

"This is a nice place you got here, Stolas," Julian observed as he took in the fancy decor of the owl demon's bedroom. He had asked Julian and Bubbles to help him move a passed out Lahey and Randy (he had gotten ahold of Lahey's flasks while waiting in the hallway during the meeting). Stolas hadn't helped them though, just watched from his luxury couch as the two men struggled to drag the sweaty bastards inside. Julian would've called him out, but this was a seven-foot tall creepy ass demon he was dealing with.

"Thank you. Place them atop those tarps in the closet, please. Don't want those piss stains seeping into any of my decor."

"Not trying to be rude or anything, but couldn't we have left these two sweaty dickweeds somewhere else?" Bubbles said as he grimaced down at the two drunken idiots.

"Oh, heaven's no. My wife is unaware I have any men staying with me tonight. Much less shirtless or...handsome muscular men. She'd no doubt have quite a few choice words with me if she knew." He rose from his couch and walked over to the two and leaned down to whisper in Julian's ear. "So let's keep this our little secret."

Julian shivered. This fucking creepy demon was coming on to him. Oh fuck no. No way in Hell was he getting banged by a giant bird.

"You think those two are handsome?" Bubbles asked in confusion.

"He isn't talking about them, Bubs," Julian sighed.

"Indeed," Stolas purred as he ran a talon up Julian's arm. Bubbles paled in realization.

"Now I believe it's due time we get truly acquainted, Julian. What did Lahey call you again? Sexian? I like that, as crude as it is. Bubbles, you can wait in the bathroom if you wish."

A plan quickly began forming in Julian's head. He was never any good with spur of the moment decision making. That was more Ricky's thing. But he had no choice now. It was either that or a fight that he and Bubbles would surely lose. He went for it.

"Stolas, before we get started, I got some of Ricky's amazing weed in my pocket. Why don't we get fucked and that way we'll all enjoy this better," Julian proposed, trying his best to cover up the nervousness in his voice.

Stolas tapped his beak in contemplation for a bit before his face split in a wide smile. "Excellent idea. I'm liking you much better than Blitzo already."

"Who?"

* * *

It didn't take long to get Stolas high out of his mind. Especially since Julian and Bubbles had been pretending to take hits for a while now. The bird demon was now lying on his bed, giggling hysterically at the puppet show Bubbles was distracting him with. It was then Julian went for the heavy-looking book he saw on the shelf and crept up behind Stolas.

As Stolas was mid-laughing fit, he swung the book full force at the demon's head, colliding with it in a thunderous crack. He dropped like a sack of potatoes onto the bed.

"Take that you greasy bastard!" Bubbles shouted.

Julian gave him a second whack for good measure before darting out of the room with his friend in tow. They made it halfway down the hallway when they nearly crashed right into a large female-looking owl demon which they assumed to be Stolas' wife.

She leaped backward, her face a mask of fear. It quickly morphed into rage, however, and Julian gulped and his mind completely blanked.

"WHO IN THE FUCK ARE YOU!" she shrieked, dragging her talons against the wall menacingly as she approached them.

Bubbles thankfully took up what was usually Ricky's position of the quick bullshit weaving. "Ma'am, I'm sorry to tell you this but your husband has got two male prostitutes in there right now that he got high and drunk with before getting frisky. My friend here and I were called to pick them up earlier and when we got here they were in the closet passed out and pissin' themselves. We were just coming to break the news to you."

"That cheating bastard! He promised no more after that fucking imp! Thank you for telling me gentleman, my guards will escort you outside." she pointed to a contingent of guards heading their way after being alerted by the screams.

After the guards led them outside of the palace grounds, Julian gave Bubbles a high-five. "That was awesome, man. Ricky would be proud of that shit you came up with."

"Aw thanks, Julian. And that was fucking awesome the way you clocked that arsehole over the head with that big fucking book. If I was in my Green Bastard costume I would've cranked him one good." Bubbles excitedly gave his friend a hug which Julian hesitantly accepted. "Now we just got to find Ricky and get the fuck out of this place!"

"Couldn't agree more, Bubs."

Off in the distance, a zeppelin cruised over the pentagram-emblazoned sky. Bubbles took notice as well and pointed it out to Julian with the glee of a small child.

"Julian, check it out! A fucking zeppelin just like that Hindenburg cocksucker! I've always wanted to cruise around in those things!"


	14. Suiting Up

The Doom Slayer was busy cleaning demon leftovers out of his wrist blade's compartment when he heard the first of I.M.P and Associates stir. He had only turned his helmet's audio receptors back on when he was sure everyone had gone to sleep and was swiftly growing uncomfortable as his receptors picked up the sleeping bag rustling behind him. He hoped Millie and Moxxie hadn't decided to get an early morning session in.

"Good morning, Mr. Slayer. I about asked you if you slept well until I remembered you got no time for that," a familiar female voice said from behind him with a giggle.

He sighed inwardly in relief and turned to face Millie. The imp couple was slowly climbing out from the tangle of the bag; Moxxie still looking quite groggy as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes and gave a half-hearted wave at the Slayer. In contrast, his wife was chipper as ever as she practically pranced over a still slumbering Blitzo to the wooden table where he sat.

"What's in those bags you got there?" she asked, her eyes clearly still unadjusted to the dark. Not having a helmet with night vision was also a factor the Slayer just considered.

He grabbed a bag from the table and handed it to her.

"You got us all food? Awww you're too sweet!" He had to repress his knee-jerk reaction to kill when the imp wrapped him in a quick hug before turning to show her husband the bag. The Slayer truly didn't understand her reaction. It was a purely practical action. There would be less time wasted on their mission if they didn't have to get food beforehand. He certainly wasn't sweet.

"Thanks, man. But where the Hell did you get the money for this?" Moxxie asked as he pulled a cheeseburger out of the bag.

Money? He pointed to his blade for what should've been an obvious answer.

"Oh. Of course."

"Did somebody say food!" Blitzo shouted as he sprang from his sleeping bag, causing Moxxie to leap back in surprise.

"Yeah the Doom Slayer grabbed some food from the Degenerate Diner. They're probably going to be short-staffed for a while though."

"Whatever, it was totally worth it," Blitzo replied before taking a burger out of the bag meant for Millie and Moxxie and chowing down. "Hey Slayer, can you get the light to wake up the other two?" the imp boss said with his mouth full.

The Slayer reached up and pulled the string dangling above the table, bathing the dingy basement in a sickly light. He glanced over the bed and quirked an eyebrow in surprise. The imps must've also noticed as he heard several chuckles behind him.

"Looks like those two assholes got pretty comfy," Moxxie laughed.

They had indeed. The hellhound was resting her head contently across Ricky's chest while the man's hand sat atop her head in a position just behind her ear. It reminded the Slayer how an owner and his dog might rest together. He highly doubted the two had done this intentionally, and he would be lying if he said he wasn't looking forward to witnessing their reaction upon waking up.

Blitzo slithered across the room towards the bed. His lanky form, long tail, and silent movements conjured the image of a rodent in the Doom Slayer's mind as he did.

The imps could barely restrain their laughter as Blitzo crouched down right to the bed, and in a single swift motion, pounced up and shouted right into calm sleeping faces of the two usually vitriolic assholes.

"GOOD MORNING, CUTIES!"

Both of them jerked awake; Loona with her usual snarl, and Ricky with a groan of "What time is it, you dick?"

"Blitzo, I swear to G..." she froze mid threat and took in the position she was in with mounting horror. The hellhound turned her head to the left and found herself only inches away from a wide-eyed Ricky. He opened his mouth to say something, but Loona threw him out of the bed before he could get a single word out. She jumped out of the bed as well, eyes blazing in fury.

"WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING?"

Ricky clumsily rose to his feet, brushing the dust off his houndstooth shirt and matched the fury in Loona's eyes. "I can ask you the same, asshole! You were on top of me! I told you not to touch me and you did! Now you're gonna fucking get it!"

With that, he charged at her and attempted a clumsy tackle that she sidestepped easily. Loona followed up by grabbing his neck from behind and pinned him down against the bed with ease. Her anger melted away into laughter at his ridiculous attempt to make good on his promise, joining that of her coworkers. The Slayer smiled.

"Fuck off, it's not funny. She was making sexual advantages on me while I was asleep and drunk! That has to break some laws even if Hell is fucked!"

"First off, this is Hell; there are no laws. Second off, I don't think your dumbass has any idea of what constitutes sexual assault," Loona scoffed.

"What the fuck does the Consitution have to do with this? And can you get your smelly do... uh ass off me already? I'm cramping up down here!" Now that was interesting. Ricky actually going back on an insult. So he can think. Loona also seemed taken aback by it, turning her head to the side quizzically before letting him up.

"You seemed awfully comfortable with someone smelly sleeping on you, Rick," Moxxie added with a sly grin.

"Stay out of this, babydick!" The Slayer was pretty sure he saw a slight blush appear on her face as she turned away from the others with a growl.

Before anyone could comment on that, a series of pounds sounded from the floor above. He drew his shotgun and prepared to leap up through the wooden planks above when an angry voice shouted from above.

"Shut the fuck up down there! You already gotta pay for the hole in the wall! I swear to Satan if there's anything else broken down there it's your ass!"

"Sorry Cicero! Lover's quarrel. Won't happen again!" Blitzo shouted back.

Lovers? He didn't know where that came from. But then again, most of the things this group said did not make sense. He decided not to think about it.

"The fuck did you just say?" Loona stomped towards Blitzo angrily while Ricky looked on incredulously from the background.

The Slayer barred her path before she could reach her owner/father. She nearly fell backward attempting to avoid a collision. He kept walking until he was right between the hellhound and Ricky. Raising both hands slowly, he smacked them both upside the head to reprimand them for their stupidity. Even though he barely put any power behind it, the two nearly toppled over with yelps of pain. Millie and Moxxie doubled over in laughter.

"Why are you hitting me, spacecock? You're the one who put the hole in the wall!"

To answer his question, the Doom Slayer feigned throwing a punch at Ricky. Who flinched back in fear before flipping him off when the man realized the Slayer was just fucking with him. For her part, Loona had the presence of mind to keep her mouth shut. All he heard from her was a couple muttered curses as she walked away rubbing her head.

"Alright, alright settle down everyone. I've got some good news for you all before we begin our next mission." Blitzo displayed his phone to everyone in between dying fit of laughter. On the screen was the bounty for the Vagabond. The price had risen to sixteen million. Everyone's faces lit up upon seeing this, but he could care less. Money meant nothing to him. Especially the dirty blood money of Hell. He was annoyed by the group's fixation on greed, but he'd tolerate it as long as it meant more moderately competent people working to kill the monster.

"It's quadrupled in only two nights!" Moxxie stated in disbelief.

"That's enough to set everyone up in the park with pepperoni, weed, and booze for thousands of years! I could also get Trinity through college so she won't grow up to be a shitapple like me. Prove that dick Lahey wrong."

Odd that out of everyone Ricky's motivations were by far the most selfless. He supposed everyone had their redeeming qualities.

"Yeah, and I can't really blame the overlords. Just look at the damage Vagabond has been causing them!" Blitzo switched tabs to a grainy video of a group of imps throwing Molotov cocktails at a truck full of Vox's mercenaries. "They're calling themselves the Imp Revolutionary Army: IRA for short. Glad some of our boys back home are sticking it to those overlord bastards. "

He was no fan of the overlords himself and would very much like to kill them eventually, but the video disconcerted him. The Slayer didn't see a simple rebellion. He saw the formation of an army. The Vagabond's plan was moving faster than he expected. They would have to move even faster if they wanted to defeat him before the plan was actualized.

"Why are these videos always filmed on potatoes?" Loona asked.

"You are so stupid, Loona. That was obviously filmed with a camera."

"Ricky, please stop talking."

"Loona, please start fucking off. Oh nice, burgers!" Ricky grabbed a cheeseburger out of one of the bags and began walking up the dilapidated wooden stairs without explanation.

"Where are you going?" Moxxie called after him.

"Getting some proper storage containers for the weed and some ingredients to get it nasty. It's way too musty and damp in here. The humidity is gonna cause mold."

"You don't even know where to buy the stuff. Plus, if you don't recall, we just stole a bunch of incredibly valuable stuff from not only Vox but the Devil himself. You're going to be a prime target for any assassin worth his shit being the only human out there."

"Well, I got to get this shit. Don't worry I still got Spaceman's gun on me and some sunglasses to disguise my identity. You can also just send somebody along to show me where the store is if you want."

The Slayer stepped forward. He was not particularly interested in escorting the buffoon to a drug store in Hell, but it could give him an opportunity to shed more demon blood and that was enough for him.

"Well there's your muscle, but who's going to show you where the store is?" Blitzo asked. He seemed to answer his own question by turning to Loona and giving a sly grin. The imp couple always looked at the hellhound, who gave them a disgusted look. Suprinsgly, she didn't object and stepped forward with her face buried in her phone.

"Oh, I almost forgot, take this." Millie pulled a massive revolver out of one of the metal boxes and handed it to Loona. She took it without looking up and nonchalantly placed the weapon into her shorts. The barrel was so long it stuck several inches out the bottom of her shorts. It's not like she had a lot of options though.

"Alright, have fun you three!" Blitzo waved with the adoration of a proud parent. The Slayer highly doubted they would unless Vox or Lucifer did decide to attack.

As he moved to follow Ricky and Loona up the stairs, he felt a hand grip his shoulder. The Hellwalker whipped his head around to find Blitzo staring at him happily. "If you don't mind, can you do some wing manning while you're out there with them?" The imp winked.

Not knowing or caring what that meant, he smacked the demon's hand away in disgust and began ascending the stairs.

* * *

Loona remained wrapped up in her phone as the odd trio left the disgusting basement and entered the slightly less disgusting street. She scrolled endlessly through all her social media feeds without actually stopping to read anything. Few things were as good a distraction and barrier for conversation as the mind-numbing flashes of a screen, and Satan knows she needed both after last night. She had dreamed of the mill again. It had been years since she put any real thought to where she grew up before Blitzo's adoption. That place wasn't exactly one to breed happy thoughts. Usually, the previously mentioned screens and the insane amount of other vices available in Hell kept the memories at bay, but last night they came back with a vengeance.

Even now the thought of the steel cages reeking of piss and blood sent shivers down her spine. Those smells had been the first thing she noticed in her dream. Then came the banging of a steel pipe against the bars of the cages ahead of her. Loona knew all too well what those bangs meant. The master was coming, and he always brought the law of club and fang in his wake. A small puppy once again, naked, cold, and deathly afraid; she backed up as far as she could before running into the cold metal of the cage. The ever-present howling and shouting of the other hellhounds caged here had ceased. Young or old, they all knew now was when you shut the fuck up.

A shadow passed over her cage. She took a chance and glanced up. What she saw sent an icy bolt of fear straight through her heart. A cruel shark-like smile greeted her, but it wasn't the usual sneer of the master. It was Blitzo staring back at her. In his hand was the pipe still stained with her kind's blood. As the dream had faded away, she'd remembered seeing the hazy image of a large horse-like creature, black as night, watching her with a smile of unnaturally pointed teeth that mirrored dream Blitzo's. Loona had gotten a distinct feeling she wasn't meant to see that part but also had no idea what to make of it.

"Loona? You alright?"

She jumped at the voice as the real world quickly faded back into her vision. The hellhound had stopped walking sometime during her recollection and was now staring blankly ahead at the Doom Slayer and Ricky Her body was now drenched in sweat. The two gave her a confused look. Or at least Ricky did, his sunglasses were raised, and she could see his kin...dopey blue eyes alight with concern. She could never tell what the Slayer was feeling, except anger of course. He was honestly one of the few people she'd ever met that truly terrified her. He never spoke but his actions and the quiet rage of his glare was all you needed to know he was not a guy you wanted to piss off.

Loona quickly marched ahead of them, mainly to cover up her embarrassment. "I'm fine. Mind your own damn business," she snapped as she stomped by. She felt slightly bad at the look of hurt that briefly crossed Ricky's face, but it was better than him noticing any weakness on her end. A holdover from her time at the mill. The law that kept her alive. Showing weakness was a quick way to get yourself killed either by the master or other hungry hellhounds.

"Well fuck you too then! Sorry for showing a little bit of concern about your PTSTD thing back there."

She didn't say anything. She just returned to her phone. That was until she felt her phone jerked out of her hand. Her mouth immediately contorted into a snarl as she whipped around to face the offender. If it was Ricky, he'd be lucky to make it out of the encounter in one piece. It wasn't. The Slayer stood only a few inches away from her with the phone clasped firmly in his hand. She gulped as her anger melted into fear.

The armored man pointed forcefully at the phone and then at the surrounding city.

"W...what do you want?" She cringed at how weak and fearful her voice sounded. Not far off from a scared puppy.

"I'm pretty sure he's wondering where the store is just like I am. So can you please get the fuck on with it. As long as that's not too much trouble, Princess I'mbetterthaneveryonebecauseI'vegotafancyphoneandaspikedcollar."

She rolled her eyes. "Oh get bent, Ricky. I was leading you to it. The place is right around the corner up ahead. Now can you give me my fucking phone back."

The Slayer kept staring at her but didn't hand her the phone. Usually, she'd snatch it back and tear the offender a new asshole. But that obviously wouldn't work here.

"I'm pretty sure he wants you to ask nicely. And apologize to me while you're at it."

She groaned but decided to give in to the stupid demands if it meant she got her phone back. "May I please have my phone back?" He didn't hand it over. "Also, I'm sorry about snapping at you, Ricky. I've just got a lot on my mind." She was shocked at how genuine the apology ended up being. Seemingly satisfied with it, he curtly handed her phone back.

Their walk resumed and this time she decided to focus on the crowd around them instead of her phone. They all gave them a mix of weird or hungry glances, mainly directed at the human in the group. She was pretty sure the only thing that stopped the demons from acting on their desires was the Slayer's intimidating presence. Every single demon quickly averted their gaze upon spotting their hulking bodyguard.

Off to her left, she noticed Ricky had caught up to her. He was casually looking around with a cigarette now lit in his mouth. She suddenly felt an urge to talk to him about something he did earlier that had been nagging at the back of her mind. Perhaps being forced to apologize to the goofy bastard had assisted her communication skills or some shit, as she actually acted on the urge.

"Hey um, Ricky. Earlier in the basement when we were arguing about that bed shit, you were about to call me a dog or something like that but changed your mind. What was up with that?" She tried to say it as casually as possible, but she feared it came off like she was trying to interrogate him. Her fears disappeared when she saw the characteristic confusion on his face. He probably didn't even remember doing it. She was an idiot herself for bringing it up.

"Oh yeah, I remember that now. I just felt that after seeing you get so pissed off at those guards for calling you a dog, it was something that really fucked with you. People here use it to say they're better than you, and I know that feeling. It fuckin sucks. Assholes always call me stupid or a shitapple or whatever because I don't got my grade ten or sleep in my car. I mean I am stupid, but I've got some things I'm smarted in, and I'm still a human being when push comes to dove. And um I'll be honest with you, I do think you're a dick, but I also don't want you feeling that same pain either." He coughed into his hand and looked away after that last sentence.

Loona couldn't help but smile a little at that. Despite all of his abrasive, rude, and stupid behavior, Ricky was actually being...sweet.

She placed a hand on his shoulder. He tensed and looked at her in fear. No doubt expecting her to mock him for his kindness. And normally she no doubt would have but never once in her life had any demon apologized for calling her a dog or some other slur along those lines. "Suprinsgly Ricky, I do get what you mean...mostly, and I appreciate it. You are stupid like ninety percent of the time, but I'll be damned again if you aren't the Tesla of rolling and talking your way out of bullshit."

He returned her smile, and she felt a warm feeling blossom in her chest that burned away the cold grip of the last night's nightmare. She welcomed it at first but quickly stomped it back down in fear of what ridiculous paths it could lead her down.

The plodding footsteps of the Slayer walking behind them stopped and drew both of their attention. Loona reached for her pistol in fear that an attack was imminent but only saw the Slayer standing stock-still and staring at them. He brought a hand up to his helmet and smacked the palm loudly against where his forehead would be. Was she stupid or did he just have an epiphany?

"What's going on, Spaceman?"

The Doom Slayer shook his head dismissively and ushered them along.

"Oh look there's the place!" Ricky exclaimed happily as he pointed to a store with a flashing weed leaf sign that pointed inside. The man darted inside, looking like a poor man that just found a banquet. Loona and the Slayer hurried to follow behind him and another smile crossed her face at the familiar smell of the building's interior.

"Alright, hurry up and get your shit, Ricky. I want to get back and try those angel weapons out."

"Angel weapons can wait. I'm getting high as fuck and eating chicken fingers."

"They don't sell those here, dumbass."

"They do sell my balls here though if you want to try, assface"

The Doom Slayer nudged her side and motioned his head towards Ricky.

"Don't you start that shit too."

* * *

Once again the Slayer found himself standing atop a roof in a derelict part of Pentagram City. Except for this time he was surrounded by all of I.M.P and Ricky as they prepared to confront their next target. The overlord's name was Velvet and she was apparently a huge icon in the social media scene of Hell. He had no idea what that meant, and Blitzo's description of it as "a bunch of cocky, vacuous shitstains with no concept of true art or talent" hadn't helped him. It sounded no different from the rest of Hell to him, but it made her easy to track because she was constantly updating her location. Regardless, they'd die all the same. Especially with the aetherium metal Moxxie and Millie were about to reveal to them all.

"Alright Moxxie, open those bad boys up!" Blitzo shouted unnecessarily loud given their mission.

"Okay but I'm warning you all. This shit is not a toy or a regular weapon. You misuse anything it generates, and you're likely to kill yourself or somebody else. So for fuck sakes try and muster all the respect you can for these weapons."

"Chill out, Moxxie. I'm not going to be banging the things."

"Well, they're going to be melding with all our minds so maybe treating them as you would a loved one isn't a terrible idea."

"You are such a little weirdo, babydick."

"Loona, don't make me muzzle your dumbass," Millie said in defense of her husband.

"Try me!"

"EVERYONE SHUT UP! For the love of all things holy and unholy, this is life or death!" Moxxie screeched, immediately ending everyone's interruptions. The Slayer was just glad they were probably too far away for any target demons to hear. "Here let me give you all a quick summary since it seems you're all incapable of understanding anything longer than a minute. This metal will mold itself according to your subconscious. You don't control the weapons and armor it creates but given how stupid most of you are it's better off than the angels call the shots. Anyway, aetherium is extremely taxing so activate it sparingly. Activation is controlled by your mind as long as you have contact with it. In its deactivated state the weapons and armor go back to its original raw form. Capisce?"

"Got it, babe." Millie looked hurt likely from Moxxie's outburst. Luckily, he noticed and walked over to assure her he wasn't directing his anger at her.

"Forty percent. Better than I expected from you, shrimp."

"Yeah, yeah we're all impressed by your five-second power trip, Moxxie. Now crack open the crates already!"

"Raw? Is it considered cooked when it's activated?"

"You'll figure it out along the way, Ricky," Moxxie sighed as he and Millie opened the latches on the crates and lifted the lids.

The Slayer thought it was a decent summary. Not that he needed it given that his weapons and armor operated on somewhat similar mechanics, but the others certainly could learn to listen. He would not have hesitated to tear their spines out if they showed him such disrespect.

The imps removed glass capsules with metal handles on each end. Inside was a golden-white metal cube, with dimensions of what he guessed was four inches, being levitated by some kind of electromagnetic fields.

"The fuck is that supposed to be? Where are the weapons and shit?"

"Ricky...just watch." The imp couple twisted each handle on the capsules and opened it. The current keeping the metal afloat continued despite this. They shared a quick look of trepidation and excitement before gripping their respective cubes and yanking them out of their containment. The imps nearly collapsed with the angelic power now coursing through them. Somehow the two managed to keep hold of the capsules. A golden light engulfed their forms and shined so bright everyone aside from the Slayer averted their gaze. When it faded, two armored and armed imps stood straight and confident in their place.

Moxxie had acquired a full set of tactical gear and bulletproof armor that looked very modern except for the visor. Which looked as if it was teleported straight out of the 22nd century. He could see all manner of data and modes flashing across it before the glass turned opaque. In his arms was a massive triple-barreled machine gun with a bipod and grenade launcher that looked far too heavy for him. The gun had no scope, but the Slayer figured that was where the visor came in.

For her part, Millie had a skintight pitch-black ninja-like suit that covered her entire body. Her eyes had blood-red lenses over them, and she wielded a stainless steel double-edged battle-ax with unconventional scythe-like blades that were nearly as long as she was tall. To top it off, the ax handle ended in a dagger. He would be lying if he said he wasn't slightly envious.

"Holy shit, it's so light!" Millie exclaimed as she spun the ax with ease.

"Yep, everything perfectly tailored. Absolutely incredible!"

Blitzo, Loona, and Ricky stood with mouths agape before diving at the crates as swift as buzzards on a fresh carcass. They all pulled out of their own capsules and opened them with reckless abandon.

"Careful with those contains, dingleberries! They're worth more than all three of your lives combined!" Moxxie shouted at deaf ears. The canisters were dropped unceremoniously to the ground. Luckily though, they didn't break. In hindsight, it made sense that they would be durable.

Light quickly shrouded them all and dissipated to reveal three very strange choices. No doubt inevitable given the subconsciouses the metals were subject to. Blitzo 's costume was also a skin-tight bodysuit similar to Millie except its design was much more that of a Victorian jester than a ninja and his face was hidden by a porcelain comedy mask. The two long points on the cap were very similar to Blitzo's horns minus the bells on their ends. His weapon of choice was a cartoonishly massive wooden hammer.

The hellhound's armor was the exact opposite of skintight; a bulky wolf-shaped tank encased Loona and increased her height to nearly eight feet tall. Massive spikes wrapped around her neck in a similar manner to her collar and continued down the back, terminating in a long tail composed entirely of said spikes. The eyes and gaping maw full of metal teeth were lit with an orangish glow as if an inferno burned within. The foot-long claws of the armor dug into the rooftop as she swiveled her head around in shock.

Of course, Ricky's new getup was the strangest of all. A bright green loose-fitting protective suit with a marijuana leaf symbol over the chest with the letters "DM" at its center. A gas mask also covered Ricky's face. Why became evident when the Slayer looked down to his arms to see two massive nozzles under his gloved hands that connected to a huge metal tank on his back. In his right hand was a hockey stick with a blade at the end. That was fitting.

"Guys, I'm Dope Man!" Ricky's excitement was muffled by the gas mask but still more intelligible than it would in a regular mask.

"You look like a psychotic lovechild of Pyro and Kermit the Frog," Loona rumbled, her voice now a deep mechanical thrum.

"I don't want to hear it from you, Iron Giant Asshole!"

Blitzo gracefully slid in between the two and spread his arms out. "I think my superhero name will be Stańczyk! Fitting right?"

"Jesus that mask is creepy," Moxxie observed.

The mask's expression changed to a frown and then a scowl. "You know in ancient times this was considered the pinnacle of high art. Not that a dream-crushing simpleton like you would know!"

"Give me a fucking break. Alright Slayer, you going?"

He nodded and walked towards the crate, much more casually than the others. Ridiculously overkill weapons were his forte after all. Although he was excited to see what the aetherium had in store for him. He reached into the crate, opened a capsule, and pulled the cube from its hold. He felt an electric wave roll over his body and shoot into his brain. A powerful sensation, but one he could easily ignore. The Hellwalker carefully placed the capsule back in the crate before the white glow covered his vision. He felt his endless rage being siphoned into the cube as it expanded and morphed. Before it was even fully formed into his weapon of choice he could already understand how to wield it as if the knowledge was innate. Not much different from how he was with most weapons though. As quick as it appeared, the light blinked to reveal the massive construct now in his hands. Collective gasps sounded from around him as the demons and Ricky backed up.

"And that's why we did this outside," Moxxe stated.

The Praetor armor had remained unchanged, aside from the damaged shoulder being repaired, as a testament to the quality of its make. What created their awe was what he held in his two gloved hands. Heavy but not nearly as much as it should be. A chainsaw black as pitch and three times the normal size. The grip was made of a partial Titan femur bone and in place of the usual metal teeth was a stream of scorching hot green plasma that whirled around a burning red blade. The ambient heat was so powerful it scorched the rooftop that was a solid two feet below it. The Slayer reached underneath the chainsaw and felt the trigger there. Above it was lever adorned with a deer skull that he jerked back. The resistance that met him easily would've been too much for even extremely strong demons, but he managed to do it with relative ease. With dizzying speed, the chainsaw's plasma blade shifted downward until it was perpendicular to its original position. A barrel was revealed that glowed with the same green plasma. Argent plasma. One the side of the chainsaw, below what the demons called "The Mark of the Slayer", was four red letters: _BFCS._

He smiled.


	15. The Gang Does Some Influencing

"Earpieces in?" Moxxie barked, or attempted to at least. Blitzo felt that his high pitched voice made it sound more like a yip.

"Yessir, Sargeant Mircopenis!" Loona responded with a mock salute, earning a snicker from himself and Ricky.

"Already starting with this shit," Moxxie sighed.

"Just ignore her honey. If she isn't properly prepared it'll be her ass."

"I've got all the preparation I need in that fucking giant metal wolf armor that breathes fire."

The ever-present arguing between the imp and hellhound began to fade into the background as Blitzo looked outside at nauseatingly bright lights advertising different "influencer" headquarters.

I.M.P. and Associates had opted for their assault setup to take place inside an abandoned apartment across the street from their target's location instead of on top of a roof. Well, it hadn't been totally abandoned. They had to do some hasty "evictions" of a few demonic squatters. Blitzo noticed some aftermath of the evictions on his sleeve and flicked it off. Thank Satan this was one of those shitty thrift shop shirts.

The group had decided on the location due to the number of cameras present in the social media district that could easily alert Vox, who was deeply connected with Velvet's empire due to the obvious relationship between technology and social media trends. Not that it was too big a concern with current armaments, but they still wanted to avoid any interruptions.

The imp hated sounding like an old conger, but he truly despised the mindless drivel peddled as entertainment in this district. What happened to true art in Hell? The plays, the operas, and most importantly the circus! Oh the unholy humani...

"You got the plan right, Blitzo?" Moxxie asked, suddenly much closer than he had been a second ago.

"What pl..., oh yeah, of course, crystal clear." Had he been internally ranting for so long that he missed the entire fucking plan? "But let's go over the whole thing one more time to cement it in everyone's minds. We're going up against not only an overlord but potentially Vagabond himself after all."

"Just admit you weren't listening the first time, sir." The weapons expert gave him a (completely unwarranted) look of disappointment.

Blitzo scoffed at the ridiculous accusation. So what if his mind wandered during Moxxie's stupid rant? It happens. "Well since you want to be so rude about it, I'll have you know I was only asking you to reiterate the plan for the slower members of our team." He not-so-subtlely nodded towards Ricky.

The human caught the nod and angrily pointed at Blitzo. "Fuck off Blitzo with your bullshit 'the o is silent' name. I got the plan perfectly. I go into the gym and do all the talking to this Velvet asshole. Then, when she doesn't give us Vaginabond's location, Spaceman and I put guns to her face, and she gives the info. Then finally we kill that creepy asshole, kill Velvet also because she's a demon and demons are asshole no offense, get the money, and finally, you suck my cock."

"Ok since neither one of you understands what we're doing here, let me explain it one more time. And one time only!" Moxxie groaned through a facepalm "Right now Velvet is doing some type of promotion for fitness models at the gym across the street. Our initial approach into the gym will be casual. No angelic armor or weapons. Ricky, I've heard you're good at making up bullshit on the spot so you'll talk to the guard at the entrance. Then once we are all inside, we'll try a peaceful talk with her and see if she'll give up any information on the Vagabond. If she doesn't, we get nasty until she either gives something useful or we execute her. She shouldn't be too tough to beat now that we've got the aetherium. In all honesty, the Slayer could just give her the French Revolution treatment with his big fucking chainsaw and that's all that will be necessary."

The Slayer looked around the room and nodded his head. Somehow managing to come off as smug without saying a word or having his face visible.

"Millie's got the plan of attack for if we actually encounter the Vagabond." He gestured towards his wife, who smiled near maniacally at the prospect of discussing methods of violence.

"Thanks, babe. Ok, so what should be obvious from the video footage is that he's incredibly fast, so the first priority for most of us, even with the fancy angel gear, will be getting some distance from the target and making way for the main bruisers to engage. Usually that would entail me but since our gear isn't combat tested, I'll leave the job to the Doom Slayer and Loona. Blitzo, you and I will be a sort of secondary class of bruisers who slip in to score a blow during a critical time and slip out before we get tagged. Moxxie will be firing from distance at his knees and other joints. If we aren't making enough headway, Ricky will flood the area in marijuana smoke to hopefully slow him down. Everyone else will clear out except for Loona and the Doom Slayer who can handle the gas due to their armor. Keep beating his ass until he's dead, get the money, the end."

Blitzo liked the plan. Not exactly the airtight one he could've come up with but whatever. He only had one serious gripe. "Huh, alright seems pretty solid, but are you sure putting Loona on the front lines next to the Mr. One Man Army is a good idea. She's still pretty inexperie..."

"BLITZO!" Loona snapped, causing the imp to jump. "I can handle myself here. I'm not your fucking dog. I can decide what I'm capable of doing and when I want to d it."

He was taken aback. The hellhound eyes seethed with barely restrained fury as she glared from across the room. He was used to her moodiness, but the amount of rage in her face seemed massively disproportionate, even for her. And where had the dog thing come from? "Loona, I'm not saying you can't make your own decisions. In fact, I'm incredibly glad you're working out in the field with us now. But you're also my daughter, and I'm just worried you might get hurt. This guy is no joke."

"Daughter? Give me a break. Don't try and guilt trip with that horse shit again. My real parents died fifty years ago in that fucking mill you BOUGHT me from."

Before Millie and Moxxie had been exchanging annoyed glances at what the probably thought were Loona's usual outbursts, but now their eyes widened in shock that nearly matched Blitzo's own. Even Ricky was surprised as his lower jaw dropped at Loona's words, nearly causing his cigarette to fall from his mouth. The Slayer was the only one who didn't seem to care. The only reaction he gave was slowly surveying the room the way he did when he grew impatient.

The imp honestly didn't know what to say. They hadn't discussed Loona's birthplace or parents in years. Having come to a rare agreement to look ahead at what the future might hold. This all seemed to come out of nowhere. He was caught between feeling sorry for and angry at his adoptive daughter. Sure he'd bought her from that horrid place, in a way perpetuating the sale of more hellhounds, but he couldn't have just left her there! Would she have preferred that?

Blitzo was about to muster up a response as best he could when Ricky suddenly spoke up, "Loona, I don't think that's what he meant. He's just looking out for you."

Jesus, how fucked up was it when Ricky was the voice of reason.

Loona whipped her head at Ricky; eyes still blazing. "Please stay out of this, Ricky. This is way over your fucking head." Her tone was still furious but softened slightly as she addressed the man.

"Alright, fuck it. You two fuckgoofs can sort this shit out." Ricky raised his hands in defeat before walking away to stand next to the Slayer.

The hellbound turned her attention back to Blitzo. "You got anything else to say? Or are you going to finally loosen my leash a bit?" she snarled. The dog allegory sent a spike into his heart. The sadness quickly boiled into a rage, and he returned Loona's angry glare.

"Alright, now you're just being fucking ridiculous! I might not have been the best father figure in all of Hell, but Satan knows I've tried to my damnedest to give you the life you deserve."

Loona stomped over towards him until she was only a few inches away. She towered over him and was quite an intimidating sight up close with fur bristling and teeth bared. Still, he stood his ground and sneered right back at her.

"Oh am I being ridiculous, asshole? Easy to take that perspective when you're standing on the opposite side of the bars!"

"That's enough, you two. If you haven't noticed, we've got a job to do. This family drama stuff can wait. Because otherwise, I'm pretty sure the Slayer is about to bash our skulls in," Millie's southern drawl interrupted their argument. The two simultaneously looked at the Slayer, who gave a nod of affirmation to Millie's observation.

"Yeah and I'm getting hungry as fuck. After we kill Vagabond, can we pick up some chicken fingers and pepperoni? Maybe some sweet empowered chicken from a Chinese joint too."

Blitzo was the first to turn to address the group. He did his best to steady his breathing and put on a more commanding appearance. Judging by the looks they gave him, it wasn't very convincing. Maybe a little humor? "Autobots, roll out!"

Not a single laugh was heard, not even from Millie. Moxxie rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly before motioning for everyone to file out of the room. Loona scoffed before walking out. She was followed by Ricky, who just said: "I don't even know what Autobots are, but that was bad."

Blitzo shoulders drooped, and he let out a defeated sigh. Admittedly, it wasn't his best material. A hand clapped down on his shoulder and damn near caused the imp to shit himself. It was the Slayer. He had forgotten all about the silent killer still being in the room and was becoming increasingly more nervous upon realizing he was alone in a room with the boogeyman of all demonkind. The Slayer raised his hand and awkwardly clapped it back down on Blitzo's shoulder a few more times before plodding off after the group. Blitzo sat confused for a second before the realization hit him. The Doom Slayer had been attempting to comfort him. Yikes, how bad had that whole altercation been to garner sympathy from a guy who has an omnicidal hatred of all demonkind? Oh well, wouldn't do to dwell. There were eldritch abominations and overlords to kill! He scurried out of the room to catch up with the rest of them.

The group was halfway across the street when Blitzo finally caught up. Or tried to catch up at least. The cars rushing by made things pretty difficult as he had to wait for an opening to dart across like a frightened animal. The conservation he had with Loona a couple of days ago came to mind as the imp dove and weaved through oncoming traffic. He couldn't imagine how she'd given him shit about not having a car with the road etiquette of Hell being the way it was. With the nonexistent traffic laws, dropping three grand on a shitbox would be a waste of money if you took it into this city. It would be totaled by the end of the day, guaranteed! Blitzo gave one final leap, narrowly avoiding a collision between a 2001 Honda Civic and a lampost.

"Learn to drive, you mongoloid waste of oxygen!" Blitzo yelled.

"Overdosed on ketamine I have," a green goblin-like creature garbled from inside in a strange syntax before passing out.

"Hurry up, sir," Moxxie hissed at his boss as they neared the entrance to the gym.

It was a large four-story complex with the name "Styx's Gym." Blitzo was no gymgoer, but the gaudiness of the lights and decorations around the building, not to mention the obnoxious pop soundtrack blaring from inside, did not give him a "bench pressing a ton" vibe.

On the other hand, the guard manning the front of the entrance managed to fit a more traditional gym aesthetic. A hulking rhino demon with large crosses tattooed on each arm. Blitzo decided the demon was probably aware of the irony of that and telling him would most likely end poorly. The guard blocked their way and held up a clipboard. Not finding them on it, he looked up and growled, "Gym's closed for regulars because of the showcase. You're not on the list so get the fuck on."

Ricky stepped forward without a moment's hesitation, still taking drags off his cigarette, and pointed angrily at the demon. "You didn't get our call earlier? We're not on the list because Michael just put us on the showcase! That's our guy right there." He pointed to the Doom Slayer, who turned his helmet in confusion. "Show this guy your guns."

The Slayer reached for his holstered shotgun.

"BICEPS, BICEPS! For fuck sakes, these bodybuilders amiright?"

The Doom Slayer nodded in understanding and detached the segments of his armor that covered the area between the shoulder and elbow, exposing his cannon-like biceps.

"Why doesn't he remove the rest of the armor while he's at it? My interest is piqued," Loona unnecessarily added.

"We don't have time for that Loo...Lahey. Showcases and all."

The guard gave an approving nod. "Sorry guys didn't know Michael had branched into the bodybuilding scene in Hell. But it makes sense he'd do it with a human. Right this way, sir." He gave Ricky an apologetic look before hastily opening the door for them. Ricky led the group by strolling through with the same confident air as he initially spoke in.

"Once again Ricky, you pulled it off perfectly. As a fellow actor, you have my respect. Your ability to feign authority to back up your bullshit is impressive," Blitzo whispered.

"Trust me if you dealed with the idiots I dealed with in Sunnyvale, you'd be good at it too."

They walked down a long hallway that was lit by fluorescent lights and smelt strongly of bleach and other cleaning supplies. From the door up ahead clangs of iron could be heard along with a multitude of voices. A single bubbly, high-pitched voice rose above all the others and was grating on his ears even from this far. That was definitely the place.

"Ew is that actually her voice? Scratch that. Let's just kill her," Millie murmured through winces.

"Amen," Blitzo agreed.

The Slayer nodded enthusiastically as well.

"Stick to the plan, guys. We'll likely end up killing her anyway," Moxxie said as he attempted to dissuade them.

"No promises," Loona said.

They entered the main gymnasium and quickly caught sight of Velvet. The grey-skinned demoness was surrounded by a gaggle of her fellow social media addicts who all dressed in a similar mishmash of bright, trendy "clothing" Blitzo didn't even want to try and comprehend. Perhaps their thrift shop clothes would help them fit in here.

A camera with no operator followed Velvet on a mobile tripod as she introduced a bulky demon sitting on a bench. One of many giant roid monkeys that populated the gym.

"Now Heaven might have Rich Piana, but Hell's got their own class of 5% naturals. Here we've got Thad Brastleberry, who will be benching TWO tons tod... Wait hold up, who the fuck are you guys?" Velvet turned her red eyes at Blitzo's group. The imp honestly couldn't tell what emotions the maniac eyes were showing, but her face was still alight with her characteristic wild smile.

"Hi, I'm George Green and I'm..." Ricky proclaimed as he stepped forward again, but Blitzo's raised his hand to stop him midsentence.

"I've got this, Ricky. We can drop the act now."

Ricky shrugged and pulled a joint from his pocket and lit it.

"Our company is called I.M.P and Associates, startup assassination group, you might've heard about us from the commercials?"

"Uh, no. I've got adblock on everything," Velvet said before turning to the camera and pointing aggressively. "Not that any of you guys should! Remember that Vox restricts all use of adblockers on my websites. If any of you are caught trying to bypass those restrictions. Well, you can guess," she finished off the threat with a giggle.

"Um, alrighty then. Regardless, we're just here to ask you some questions about a certain character that's been causing a lot of problems for you overlords. Goes by the name Vagabond. Big, tall, ugly as sin with a deer-skull for a face, and probably smells like shit."

"Yeah I know him, but he's got no business with me. Now can we talk about this later? As you can see, I'm very busy right now and if you don't get the fuck out of here I swear I'll skin you all alive," she said with a smile while producing two long blades suddenly from the recesses of her sleeves.

Thad jumped off his bench and angrily stomped towards them. "Yeah get the fuck out of here, bro! Trying to mess with my showcase, little man? I swear I'll fuck you up!" he shoved Blitzo back and nearly caused the imp to fall and bust his ass.

In one quick motion, the Slayer stepped forward, gripped the barbell the demon had been about to bench and swung it like a baseball bat. It collided with the bodybuilder's head with a thunderous crack, pulverizing the entire thing into mush. The Doom Slayer then threw the barbell, weights and all, as if it were a spear at another demon bodybuilder. The barbell slammed into the demon's chest and sent him flying across the room into the mirrored wall a good thirty feet away. The wall shooks and all the mirrors shattered as the demon smashed into them at the speed of a moving car, blood spewed from his mouth as he went limp.

"Well so much for a peaceful discussion," Blitzo said with a shrug before drawing an angelic pistol and unloading into the crowd of influencers. Funny how he picked them as his first targets. Such a strange coincidence. The imp smiled. The rest of the group engaged the other bodybuilders that now barreled them.

"What the fuck! Those were some of my top-earning models!" Velvet shouted, still somehow retaining her giddy tone from earlier, as she darted towards the group at lightning speed. Blitzo raised his pistol at her only to drop it when a stabbing pain gripped his hand. He looked down to see a steel dagger with a smiley face on it lodged in his hand. Fuck, she was fast. Magic Angel Metal time! He gripped the cube in his pocket with his other hand.

Velvet was momentarily stunned by the flash of white light caused by his suit's manifestation and tripped over a bench. This gave Blitzo enough time to get a handle of his insanely huge wooden mallet and swing it right into the overlord's chest. A resounding boom sounded as a concussive explosion occurred upon colliding with Velvet. The force of air being displaced sent equipment all around him flying, and Velvet herself cartwheeling through the air before slamming hard into a squat rack damn near all the way across the gym. The explosion was way more powerful than a simple swing of big wooden mallet should've been, but Blitzo knew that was because it was an Angel Mallet!

Now bereft of her swords, Velvet unsteadily rose to her feet and shook her large poof of hair around like a dog to regain her bearings.

"Damn that hammer packs a punch! I can't wait to take it from your corpse!" The blood running from her nose spurted out as she shrieked at Blitzo before charging him.

"Bring it, you low-brow sorry excuse for an entertainer!" He decided to meet her charge, the aetherium boosting his speed and strength considerably as he ran across the room at nearly the same speed as her. Before colliding with her, the imp grabbed a plate from a rack and threw it into the air. He then smashed it with his mallet and sent the metal disc flying at a bullet-like velocity towards Velvet's head.

Unfortunately, the overlord ducked at the last second and narrowly avoided getting her skull ventilated. With a demonic cackle, she picked her swords off the ground and lunged at Blitzo. He swung his mallet, but she ducked and raked her swords across his midsection. The armor kept them from penetrating, but the force still knocked him off balance. Noticing this, Velvet kicked out and sent him falling to the ground.

She was about to descend upon the imp with her blades when something large and green gripped her throat. The blood-drenched Slayer lifted the overlord off the ground and chokeslammed her down hard enough to create a crater on the gym floor and knock both swords out of her hands.

Velvet eyes took a bit to refocus, and when they did, she briefly attempted to escape but soon realized there was no point. She was still smiling crazily up at the Slayer, not the least bit bothered that she was about to die.

"Oooooh, I recognize you guys now! You're that Doom guy from that video Vox showed us! And this must be your gang of idiots!"

"Yeah, these guys are pretty dumb," Ricky called from the bench he was lying on, still smoking a joint.

Ignoring him, Velvet continued," I really wanted to meet you after seeing that vid! You looked so strong and violent in the video. Glad to see you don't disappoint." Her voice was practically a purr by the end of the sentence. He shivered at the similarities the tone change had to that creepy owl dick, Stolas.

"Tell you what. I'll agree to an interrogation if Mr. Doomguy here gives me a private one in the back." She giggled and opened her mouth so her long snake-like tongue could emerge. The organ slithered all the way up the Slayer's arm and licked his exposed bicep.

"This bitch is crazy," Millie said in disgust.

"And she doesn't know how interrogations work either," Loona added.

The Slayer's wrist blade unsheathed from its gauntlet, and he raised his arm to impale the overlord's skull. Blitzo rushed forward and gripped his arm.

"Wait, hold up! We need her alive!"

The Hellwalker snapped his helmet towards the imp and jerked his arm free.

"Sorry, I panicked. Didn't mean to grab you."

The Slayer stared for a little longer before giving a slight nod and turning back to Velvet, who was still smiling. The blood from her nose had found its way into her mouth and gave her a red smile to match her psychotic eyes.

Blitzo sighed, "Look just tell us what you know about Vagabond. We know he hasn't caused into major damage to your enterprise and that's awfully suspicious, one might say."

"Well, one might also say that your sorry imp ass should check the news more often. Because that deer freak attacked Instahell's HQ last night!"

"Oh uhhh, Moxxie can we get a fact check on that?" Usually, he would call on Loona for such a task because her phone was always out, but he decided against it for obvious reasons.

"She's right, sir. Last night at four-thirty AM, to be exact."

"Goddamnit, Moxxie! Do better research next time!"

"What? Why just me?"

"Aaaanyway, you still got to come up with some info to give us or the Doom Slayer here is going to end your miserable existence right here and now. Because I'm pretty sure your affections aren't reciprocated."

"Ugh, whatever. Be no fun I guess. What I can say if that Vox thinks it's probably the Radio Demon. Think about it. Hiding in plain sight 101. A goofy fucking idea for a hotel that constantly has the news focused on it! Who would ever expect him to be there? Well, they should! The kind of power Alastor has isn't one you just get from being a really nasty guy in life. That power comes from deals with beings of incredible power. Beings that will call in favors later on."

"Huh, that's actually some pretty solid info. Why would you give it up so willingly?"

"Eh, I'm no fan of that arrogant prick. I'm looking forward to this mean motherfucker right here tearing him a new one. So are we done here?"

Blitzo looked around and saw hesitant nods of approval from everyone except Ricky; who was now passed out on the bench.

"Yeah, we're done. I really did not expect it to be that easy. You guys think we should let her g..."

The Doom Slayer jerked Velvet to her feet, hand still clamped around her throat like a vice, grabbed a large plate lying next to him, and slammed it into the ground. Without any warning, he placed the overlord teeth-first down on the metal, raised his boot, and slammed down on the back of her head.

* * *

**Author's notes:**

**The next chapter will be a return to the hotel where Vagabond will give an important announcement and a gift.**


	16. The Hotel Bids Farewell to a Guest

Charlie made her way through the crowd in the hotel's lobby, exchanging excited greetings with the patrons as she went. Upon reaching the edge of the crowd, she wheeled around and took in the entire scene. The Hazbin Hotel staff, mainly her in all honesty, had decided that a little party would help liven up the place. An air of unease and fear had settled over the Hotel for a while now due to Vagabond's rampages against the overlords and their retaliation. The number of mercenaries roving the streets had grown, and their battles against the thousands of rioters occurring all over Pentagram City also grew more violent by the day. The fact that the hotel was being run by an overlord and the daughter of the King of Hell definitely didn't help ease their stress.

Despite all this, the number of hotel guests had been steadily growing. Alastor had theorized, as ironic as it was, that his presence here was the main reason behind it. Given that it was under the "protection" of the most powerful demon in Hell, the Hazbin Hotel is one of the best places for the average demon to find refuge from the chaos warring outside. Vaggie had been hesitant to agree with Alastor, but Charlie honestly couldn't disagree. At the thought of the two, she searched the crowd to find what her co-owners were up to.

After a quick scan, she spotted her girlfriend in the middle of a conversation with Baxter. They looked to be talking about something funny due to the giant smiles plastered on their faces. She couldn't help but let loose a smile of her own at the sight. She had been wracked with guilt at letting the cause of everyone's fear live right underneath them, so it was nice to see the party was drawing even the most reclusive of demons out of their shells.

She continued searching and easily found Alastor's bright scarlet form seated at the bar, grinning as always, and overlooking the party with an observant gaze. In his right hand was a glass of suspiciously red liquid that she hoped was wine. But the rumors she'd heard about his diet gave her enough reason to doubt that's what was, unfortunately. She shivered. To take her mind off that uncomfortable thought, she decided to go talk to Angel Dust.

The spider demon was seated at the exact opposite side of the bar from Alastor (which was definitely the Radio Demon's intention) flirting with Husk; who just looked straight ahead with a sneer as he chugged a bottle of "Cheap Booze." She waved to Angel Dust to get his attention and began walking towards him. It took him a bit before he finally noticed and waved back. During her walk over to him, she nearly tripped over Nifty as the little demoness zipped around the crowd, obsessively cleaning even the most minor of spills. Charlie chuckled as she snapped at the leg of one of the patrons who had the audacity to stand in the way of a puddle on the floor.

"Hey, Angel! Enjoying the party?"

"A bit tame for my taste but it'll do. Anything beats that bunker Val had me locked in. Can you thank that Vaga-whatever guy when you get the chance? Haven't heard a word from Val since I got that text that I was free to leave. I'd do it myself if I didn't think the creepy bastard would rip my face off."

Usually, she would have motioned the loudmouth pornstar to wait until later to discuss that particular guest, but she was confident the din of the party would cover up their conversation.

"Yeah uh, next time I see him I will. The guy doesn't really come out of his room very much."

"Sticking to his promises. I can respect it." Angel reached for the shot seated on the counter behind him and downed it. He craned his long neck to face Husk and smiled, gold tooth shining in the light of the bar. "Thanks, babe."

"Stop talking to me. If I'm going to suffer through this shit can I at least do it in silence?"

"Oh, you have such a way with words, Husky."

Husk slammed his face down hard on the countertop and let out a groan of defeat.

"You guys have a very endearing relationship going," she said with an eye roll.

"Eh, could use a little work."

Charlie was about to add that "little" was an impressive understatement when she heard a low creak sound from far behind her. It barely registered over the commotion, but it was sound that had become etched into her mind. The opening of the basement door.

Charlie snapped her head towards the stairs at whiplash-inducing speeds. Sure enough, the squat wooden door hung open with a single massive clawed hand wrapped around the frame. The rest of Vagabond's body was nowhere to be seen, but she wasn't going to dick around until it showed.

"Al!" She hissed to get his attention, but the demon was already standing, eyes wide with surprise.

"Well, this is about to get interesting."

Charlie turned back around just in time to see the white skull rise over the top of the door. The head continued rising until it was above the banister midway up the staircase. Satan, he was tall.

Angel took notice and his eyes widened, but he didn't look especially concerned. "Looks like you can thank him now, toots."

His appearance hadn't gone unnoticed to the guests and the conservation died instantaneously. A silence fell like a heavy curtain over the entire lobby. Vagabond stared back, still in his original position with his hand still on the door. What did he want? A sinking feeling gripped her at the thought that Vaggie's concerns had been right. She had put her trust in something she didn't truly understand and now they were all about to pay the price. All these demons looking for redemption were about to...

As if to vanquish her fears, Vaggie appeared next to her, spear in hand. She exchanged a brief look with Charlie that betrayed her fear before her face hardened again and she turned to face the beast again.

"No need to fear everyone! Just an old friend of mine stopping by for an unplanned visit!" Alastor's voice caused everyone to nearly jump out of their skin as it tore through the silence. As he confidently strode forward out of the crowd, spinning his mic as he went, Charlie took notice of his shadow slinking by the entrance to the hotel. With an intangible hand, the shadow drew a large pentagram over the door frame which flashed a bright red and emblazoned itself upon the wood.

"Alastor, what the fuck is going on with that?" she snapped at him and pointed at his shadow's antics.

Alastor quirked an eyebrow at her and looked where she was pointing. "Just ensuring no unexpected losses occur, darling. And I'd suggest you avoid swearing. It doesn't suit you."

'Stop dicking around, Alastor! What's going on?" Vaggie snarled.

"That is exactly what I am trying to figure out myself. Do try and pay attention, dear."

"I have a message to convene," Vagabond suddenly spoke from across the room.

His harsh voice instantly dashed the tension between the Radio Demon and Vaggie. Even the crowd was affected as several gasps and murmurs broke their omnipresent silence. Charlie swore she heard Nifty ask "Is that a man?"

"And what would that be, dear fellow?"

"I am departing from this hotel."

Charlie froze. The secret was out to everyone in the entire hotel! By Vagabond's own words that spelled doom for all. She could already feel the horns beginning to protrude from her head as the fire within her prepared for a fight. A fight they most likely wouldn't win.

Even Alastor was made unsure by the announcement. His outward appearance didn't give this away, but Charlie could tell by the way his shadow bristled at the entrance.

"Well, I hope your stay was satisfactory. Although I do believe this means our deal has come to an end." Alastor's smile grew to enormous proportions as he extended a hand wreathed in green flame. "Let's shake on it."

Vagabond finally moved out from behind and began walking slowly towards the door. All the hotel guests instinctively shrunk back, moving closer and closer to the exit. Vaggie raised her spear and took on a fighting stance.

The towering entity didn't seem interested in any of this. His attention was solely on Alastor. The Radio Demon'sstance didn't falter even as Vagabond stopped only a few feet in front of him. He looked down at the offered hand and back up at the scarlet demon. In a very robotic movement, he raised his hand and extended one long claw into the air.

"There is one thing left before our deal has concluded. A gift bestowed for keeping to your promise."

"I didn't take you for the gift-giving type."

"Only a fool fails to realize the importance of rewarding allies. The gift takes the form of a symbol carved above the entrance to this establishment. It holds great power and will grant protection for what is to come."

"And what exactly is coming? I hate these vague statements," Vaggie interrogated. Angel snickered in the background.

The skull turned to meet Vaggie. "The end," he stated simply. As if that explained everything.

"Wow, that explains absolutely not..."

Charlie put her hand on her girlfriend's shoulder to calm her down. "He's giving us a gift, Vaggie, and while I'm...concerned about what 'the end' means exactly, we shouldn't jump down his throat so aggressively. He did keep to his word this entire time. He even brought Angel back from Valentino."

"It's true. Thanks for that by the way," Angel called from the bar, sounding legitimately grateful.

Vaggie deflated with a sigh but still kept her spear held high. "Alright."

Having mostly overcome her initial fear, Charlie addressed the Vagabond directly. "So, when do you plan on putting this symbol up?"

"It is already in place. I only grant Alastor the deal's conclusion if he ensures that the symbol remains in place as long as the hotel still stands."

"Seems fair to me. A gift from the Vagabond is not something you get very often after all. I'd be fine with displaying it."

"Very well."

His massive hand enveloped Alastor's and the room was briefly awash in a bright green and scarlet flash that caused everyone present to cringe and shield their eyes. Once it dissipated and Charlie regained her sight, she saw that Vagabond had already turned and begun walking towards the basement. Odd, but it wasn't crazy to assume he had an exit down there somewhere. It would actually make sense given that she'd never seen him come or go from the hotel.

"Just like that?" She regretted the words the second they left her mouth. Vaggie was right, she did let her brain take a backseat to her mouth a lot.

Vagabond stopped midstride and turned to face her. He held her gaze for several moments that dragged as if they were centuries. Then his serrated teeth parted.

"I do have one thing to say. To all of you. There is no redemption for what any of you have done. I know far better than most." He splayed his palms out before them. She swore the claws had grown since he'd first appeared. "The blood of billions rests upon these hands. There is no redemption for me and there shouldn't be. All those men, women, and children will never see it so why should I? I have accepted my role in the universe for there is no other path. So I urge you all to look back on those you have harmed and ask yourselves not if the redemption you seek is possible, but if it is just."

Charlie stood speechless. You could have heard a pin drop in that lobby.

"Couldn't have said it better myself," Alastor agreed.

Without another word, the being plodded towards the still-open basement door, slipped through with speed and gracefulness that shouldn't be possible for something that large, and was gone. The door creaked closed.

The sound of the door closing seemed to break the spell everyone that had settled upon them. Her relieved sigh was joined by more than a few demons.

"Well, that was intense," Angel laughed nervously.

"Uh yeah that an understatement and a half," she agreed. "Let's go check out that 'gift' of his I suppose."

Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed the shadow Alastor hastily wipe away the pentagram on the door.

"Let's, indeed," Alastor said with a twirl of his microphone. "Oh and Nifty, do hold off on cleaning the basement for now." Charlie hadn't even noticed that the small demoness had begun scurrying to the room to clean up after their departing guest. Nifty looked depressed but gave an understanding nod.

Upon exiting the hotel, it didn't take them long to find the symbol. It sat conspicuously right above the front door.

"That's an...interesting design."

"Figures he'd see himself as a king. Arrogant douche," Vaggie snarked.

"I'm afraid that symbol isn't referring to himself," Alastor noted almost somberly.

The circular symbol that was about as big around as a dinner plate depicted flames surrounding a scarlet crown with black antlers protruding from the top.

* * *

The Slayer and his group crested the hill and took in the hotel the late Velvet had spoken about.

"There it is!" Blitzo exclaimed, once again too loud than was necessary. "Yeesh, what an absolute clusterfuck of architectural design."

"Blitzo, nobody is interested in your 'artistic critiques' right now," Moxxie grumbled.

"I think it looks cool as fuck. I mean it's tall but not too wide. Pretty good for a hotel if you ask me. The name is pretty stupid though. What the fuck is a 'Hazbin'."

"Don't trouble your little mind about it, Ricky. Save that brain cell for the dope," Loona mocked.

"One more than you, asshole," Ricky replied and blew a cloud of cigarette in her face. She responded by smacking him upside the head.

"Hey idiots, we're about to go up against the most powerful overlord in Hell. Try and focus!" Moxxie hissed.

The Slayer tuned out their stupidity and zoomed in on the hotel with his helmet. As he scanned the soon-to-be-battleground, his mind wandered to the hotel's purpose. Redemption for demons. He'd never heard such steaming bullshit. If these beings could be redeemed, they wouldn't be here in the first place. Even the demons he'd formed an uneasy alliance with had few redeemable qualities between them. Granted, they still had more than he thought demons ever could but still not enough for 'redemption' to be possible.

He froze when he spotted it. Freezing in surprise was something he never did, but the sight of the symbol centered right above the entrance to the hotel was more than enough. It was the symbol that had set him on this warpath. The symbol of his greatest failure. An entire universe destroyed and billions of lives lost because he couldn't stop the Vagabond, and the apocalypse the beast had ushered in. The thought of all those innocent lives lost made his vision go red. Raw fury began pumping through his veins, and he had to struggle tremendously to restrain himself from taking out his rage on the demons next to him. He glared deep into the symbol and knew with one hundred percent certainty that it would never happen again. The Earth of this universe will not die.

He smacked Moxxie on the shoulder, nearly knocking the imp off his feet, and pointed towards the symbol. Moxxie activated his aetherium armor and peered through the scope of his triple-barreled machine gun.

"You're pointing to the symbol, right?'

He nodded.

"What? Does it mean Vagabond's there?'

He gave another stronger nod.

"Fuck me," the imp looked noticeably paler from what little of his skin was visible under the armor.

"Alright everyone, this is the real deal here. Remember the plan?" Blitzo announced, trying his best to sound confident, but the nervous tinge to his voice didn't go unnoticed to the Slayer.

"Hit em' hard. Hit em' fast," Millie responded while brandishing her aetherium ax. "Let's fucking do this!"

Loona activated her cube and took on her giant quadrupedal wolf form. "Let's get this cash," she thundered.

Ricky just shrugged and put his cigarette out on her metal armor before activating his aetherium armor.

"Slayer, remember you're going straight for Alastor and taking him out so we can all focus on Vagabond," Moxxie unnecessarily reminded.

The Slayer materialized the BFCS and cracked his neck.

* * *

**Author's Note: **The next chapter will take place the night before this one and will focus on Vagabond. It's already pretty much complete, so I can focus mostly on chapter 18.


	17. A Meeting of the Monsters

**Author's Note:** Note that this chapter takes place on the night between Chapters 14 and 15.

* * *

HABIT strolled out of the elevator into his penthouse with two female casino patrons in the crooks of his arms. He was on cloud nine after spending the past couple hours torturing more of those inconsiderate dickheads that kept showing up at his casino asking stupid questions. And the carnage was going to continue through the night with the arrival of these dumb broads (he'd already forgotten their names.) They had actually believed him when he said they looked like classy girls! He couldn't wait to see the looks on their faces when he showed them the backr...

He stopped mid-thought when he spotted a tall, dark shape standing directly in front of his favorite desk that overlooked the cityscape of Pentagram City. Oh, this was gonna be fun. This poor bastard had no idea whose house he was trespassing in. HABIT manifested his two favorite hatchets and prepared to lob them at the intruder. The two demon girls quickly ducked for cover after they also spotted the intruder.

"YOU PICKED THE WRONG HOUSE FOOL!"

The hatchets nearly left his hands when the bleach white of a skull caught the moonlight streaming through the window. He sighed and tsk-tsked at the intruder that he knew all too well.

"Hey, isn't that the guy from the news?" one of the demon girls said.

"Yes indeed, darling."

He walked over to where they hid behind one of his many recliners and jerked back the ponytail of the demoness who had spoken. In a single deft slash of his blade across her neck, he slit her throat wide open. Her friend didn't even have time to scream before he planted the second ax in her skull. They both collapsed to the floor with a pair of echoing thuds. The hatchets weren't of angelic make so the demonesses would heal. Although they're going to wish they hadn't when they eventually wake up. HABIT reached down for one of the demons and tore off one of the few blood-free parts of her dress. He rose to his feet and calmly wiped the axes off. As he cleaned them, he decided to calmly address his uninvited guest.

"Vagabond, you dickhead! Look at this mess! You see this is what happens when you don't make appointments. You get messes! Bloody fucking messes! Must run in the family because your dad is the same way." At the mention of his father, the beast leaned forward slightly. Somehow managing to promise violence in only one small movement. He decided a subject change was in order. "But regardless, how you doin' buddy? It's been a while. Love what you did with your face or lack thereof."

Vagabond stepped forward. Usually, a massive being with blank, soulless eyes walking towards someone would be pantsshittingly terrifying, but HABIT was quite accustomed to such things. Hell, he has perfected several of his own forms of intimidating approaches over his many years.

"HABIT," he replied flatly with only a slight nod of acknowledgment.

"Eeesh. I see you've still got the sense of humor of a graham cracker. Whatever, let's just get this over with. What brings you here?" He teleported to the chair behind his desk to get comfy for old Vagabond's explanation.

The hulking figure's head snapped around a full one hundred and eighty degrees to face HABIT in his new location. Slowly, the body twisted to realign itself with the head with a multitude of sickening cracks and pops.

"Might want to see a chiropractor about that," HABIT noted.

"I know you talked to the Slayer and his group recently."

"You'd be correct, just as you said. Let me tell you, he pulled up with one of the oddest groups of misfits I've seen in a while. Fucking Ricky from Trailer Park Boys was there! That caught me by surprise. And I'm tens of thousands of years old, so trust me when I say, I don't surprise easy. I mean what kind of fucknut could predict the Doom Slayer teaming up with demons and Ricky? I wonder if Bubbles and Julian are going to show."

"Did you tell them what I told you to say."

"Yeah, yeah I did. They know about the hotel and Alastor. My guess is they'll be there soon. They've been busting ass lately! Got the aetherium already from one of Vox's armories."

"Well done. You have always been an exemplary ally of mine. And servant of the Scarlet King. Trust that you will be handsomely rewarded."

"Damn right I have. Do you have any idea how long I've been sitting around in this shithole waiting for the King to make his move here?"

"Long enough to make a chain of casinos."

HABIT loudly clapped his hands together. "There we go! I knew you had a little bit of humor in you. Keep it up and soon we'll be having some actual conversations," he exclaimed, legitimately proud of the bonehead. "Hey by the way, when shit hits the fan and you tear them all apart, can you spare Ricky? The show really wouldn't be the same without him. Dude's harmless anyway. Complete fucking idiot."

"If he gets in my way, he dies."

HABIT sighed. "Hopefully that fool will know what's best for him and realize he's in way over his head. If you can't promise me his safety, could you at least bring me the hellhound? Dead or alive doesn't really matter, as long as she's mostly in one piece." A sly smile spread across his face.

Vagabond walked over to the window overlooking the city. His hooves making loud clops on the floor as he did. Hopefully, he didn't scuff them too much.

"This Loona is an important fulcrum for the tests the Slayer's group shall be put through. Not only must they be tested physically but mentally as well," Vagabond replied, completely ignoring his request.

He never understood why the Vagabond insisted on doing these "tests" everywhere he went but coaxing an explanation from the beast was like pulling teeth. His own teeth that is. Other people's teeth were surprisingly easy to pull with the right tools.

"How do you plan on doing that?"

"It wouldn't do to tell all. What I can say is that the Dreamwalker is assisting me in peeking into the inner workings of her mind and exploiting old terrors."

"Oh, I hate that horse bitch. Always rambling on and on about her bullshit family problems and talking in that stupid fucking voice. I swear next time I see her I'm turning her into glue."

"She has her faults, but she also helped free me from the Foundation. I will not have any harm come to her."

"It was a joke, you fucking stick-in-the-mud." He rubbed his face in exasperation before deciding to change the subject. "How was your stint with those spooks at the Foundation anyway?" HABIT had heard quite a lot about the SCP Foundation of Universe Sakçy, as the Scarlet King called it. Never encountered them though. The King himself oversaw that neck of the woods, and not even he was crazy enough to muscle into the boss's turf without explicit say-so from him.

"Brief yet highly illuminating. I discussed a great many things with several of my father's minions that are contained there. Some will even be assisting me in the tests I conduct on the Slayer and his group."

"That's a huge basket of freaks and monsters to pick from. Who all did you decide on?"

"As I said before, all secrets cannot be revealed. However, I will say that the Old Man will be among them."

"Damn. The Old Man? That's 106, right? Fuck man, that's one hell of a test for those idiots. Almost feel bad for them." He began tossing an old skull he had lying on his desk into the air and catching it again. "Actually, not really. I guess I just feel bad that I won't be getting Loona back in one piece after all."

"The Wearer of Anguished Mask also had much to say. He asked me to send you his regards."

"When does that porcelain freak not have a ton to say? One of the few entities out there that can rival my ability to talk people to suicide."

"Right now, I would still say you're firmly in the lead."

"Don't get too carried away with the humor now. You could legitimately hurt my feelings." HABIT faked a sad pout which Vagabond, unfortunately, didn't seem to notice. The bastard seemed fixated on staring at the city outside.

"Like what you see out there? It is pretty at night sometimes I'll give it that. But then again, Hell isn't supposed to be pretty. I like the other universes' versions much better. You know, the real fire and brimstone types. Where the demons are all completely heartless monstrosities bent on bloodshed. The 'demons' here have way too much emotion. Hell, those two broads bleeding out over there were talking my ear off about getting their act together and working towards redemption at that ridiculous fucking hotel. DEMONS talking about redemption! Can you believe that? Good Lord Above, I can't wait for your father to arrive and turn this entire place into ..."

"Do you think they will be able to defeat me?"

Vagabond's voice jolted HABIT right out of his rant. He'd honestly almost forgotten he was still there. His strange question didn't help quell the surprise either.

"What?"

"The Slayer and the group he's forming. Do you think they have a chance to defeat me?"

"That's a pretty weird fucking question man, not gonna' lie. Uh, well the Slayer might give you some trouble, especially since he's bonded with the angel metal now. But you're a son of the Scarlet King for fuck's sake, and you've beaten him before."

"I wouldn't call it a definitive win. Our actual fight was brief. Granted, I did have the upper hand, but that was only after he fought like Hell through everything I threw at him. He was alone and still felled hundreds of thousands of my army before the Red Shah arrived and annihilated the universe. Even the Slayer had to flee then."

"For simplicity's sake, I'm still tallying that as a win. Don't worry your little eldritch head about it. His little posse is all going to die brutally and horrifically." The thought brought a smile to HABIT's face. He'd have to find an ideal spot to watch the final battle with some popcorn at hand.

The moonlight shifted and glinted off the blindingly white of Vagabond's skull, causing a reflection to form in the glass that he stared into. Black voids delving into black voids.

" There is no other path," he said with what HABIT guessed was the closest he could come to a sigh.


End file.
